Spring Break Countdown

God doesn't make mistakes

I keep hearing people say that the perfect man will come along. I'm 32 with no prospects, no close friends, and what makes me cry the most is that God doesn't make mistakes.
It's not rare for people to walk into my life become my friend or companion and then leave just as fast as they walked in but with no desire to be a part of my life any longer. It keeps me insecure because it happens way too often. I am not perfect so I know it's not their fault; it's my own.  I just wish someone would talk to me and help me be a better person that someone...anyone...would want to spend time with.
God doesn't make mistakes! He created me to have a love language of quality time. Interesting since He created me that way and then made sure that no one filled that desire consistently.
It's confusing and it hurts but it will all be ok.  My life may be lonely and miserable with no one to share it with but I plan to live this life of misery for my Savior Jesus Christ if that is His plan for my life.  I don't understand it at all but my life belongs to Him and it's not really mine to understand and I probably never will.

Focus

Someone reminded me last week that I never blog anymore.  So I'm sorry to anyone who actually likes reading this mess I call my journey. :)  I'll try to be better. I promise!

Life has been a lot of ups and downs as usual since I last posted.  Grad school, work, and the little social life I have generally tends to be a big mess though for the most part.  God really is working hard on me to rely fully on Him.  It is a struggle daily though.  Some days I seriously think I need to get professional help because of how down and antisocial I have become.  Most people on the outside see a happy person but then the hermit mode kicks in after I get off work and on the weekends.  I have literally gone a whole weekend without speaking at all.  The devil has really been convincing me of my unworthiness.  He has been really pushing in my brain that people don't care about me and that I am easily forgotten.   He's pretty good at it too because as I have withdrawn from those around me...they have been withdrawing from interactions with me as well.  Literally just trying hard to keep my focus on God.


I know God is with me and for me and will never forsake me and never leave me alone.  That is where my comfort is and that is where my strength is.  I may not have tremendous super close relationships with anyone and I may be a horrible friend sometimes and that is why people withdraw from me but I have a friend in Jesus.  He is enough!  He is my portion forever!

I'm not saying that I have no friends because that is not true.  I have tons of friends!  Tons of people who care even if they don't show it much or call or ever visit, they are still friends.  I'll take what I can get.  Also, It is only by the Grace of God that through these friendships is it even possible for me to travel to Nicaragua this year.  Through their prayers and their financial support, I get to go.  That makes them pretty good friends, i'd say!

Despite my struggles with myself God has also definitely been throwing out the D word a lot lately.  Discipleship that is. :)  Basically He is saying Love your neighbors.  So yes, I can lean on God all day long alone but unless I love on others and give them that message of hope that they too can lean on God even in the hard times then what good is it.  So I am working on being way more intentional about loving others.  I'm not saying i'm out there every day seeking someone new to love but I am trying to love more.  Withdrawing from my surrounding will get me nowhere and I know that.  Even in the nowhere where I can focus on God, He wants me to let Him lead me to higher grounds.
So this is me....all over the place as usual...just trying to keep my focus on God and not the words of the devil and trying to follow the path God has for me.

Another day

I haven't blogged in ages.  Since May actually and it was short.  That was 4 months ago.  A lot has happened since then.  Here is a synopsis.
I decided to attend grad school.  CBC offered to pay for it but encouraged that I drop some responsibilities and drop some hours (including pay) to be successful in grad school.  I agreed that in order to be successful I would need to step back from a lot of things.  I was very hesitant about letting go of Student Activities because that is what brought me to CBC and that is how I keep a close relationship with all the students.  BUT I do enjoy housing more and hope to develop the housing department here at CBC so this is my avenue to step in to concentrating on that.
So I did that.  Signed my contract.  Took almost $500 a month pay cut.  That has hurt.  I bought ramen noodles and stopped eating out as much.  I even had to withdraw my giving to charities.  But i'm making it and my bills are getting paid.
I went to OMP.  That was great as usual.  I probably should've blogged right after that and I still may do a recall blog.  I'll have to pull my journal out and recap.
I went on several outings with family just because I needed the getaway.
Still talked to Jimmy pretty heavily over the summer.  It has been going no where.  I'm tired of trying with this boy.  He's sweet and a great man of God but he has no motivation to make any kind of change to better himself and has made very little effort to advance our relationship.  So I have stopped talking to him.  A 32 year old man who is living with his mom and has no job with no motivation to get a job or move out is not very attractive to pursue.  I message him on occasion to check on him but I stopped the daily conversation.  It wasn't healthy anyways.
Res life moved in the first weekend in August and it has been crazy ever since.  Training, then MUD week, the school started, then grad school started.  It has definitely slowed down since then but it's still crazy.
Just one day after another.  I hope to get myself back into blogging because I sure do feel better when I write out my problems and worries and struggles and victories.
Hopefully you will see something from me again soon.

Journey Within

The journey of within is a journey no one but you and God ever get to see.  
However, God gives us a new morning for a new beginning, a new struggle, a new endeavor, but with the Lord by our side we can overcome any challenges and turn obstacles into stepping stones.

Sleepless night

I'm thankful for all the people in my life. They remind me how good life is and how worse it could be.  They understand...mostly. I'm so thankful for what I do have even though many days it feels like nothing.

Lots on my mind lately.  This is night two of sleepless nights.
Watched two movies tonight that had a lot of tragedy in them. Lots of people losing loved ones. Ive lost a lot of love ones buy it makes me think mostly of my Granny!
Oh I ache that I miss her so much. And it's been 14 years since she went home to heaven.  It still hurts like yesterday. I watched her battle a long hard fight with cancer. In the end she was never afraid of death. I'm thankful she is no longer in pain and she is home safe with Papa.

I just finished watching a movie and at the end credits from a song I've never heard before it says this:

Stay strong, my little girl

Look up to heaven, they tell you it's alright

That everything's alright

Just lay down, little girl

Eyes up to heaven, they tell you it's alright

Everything's alright

Just a little message from heaven telling me to relax because its ok.

It's funny how God chooses to speak to us sometimes.

I can't wait to one day be in heaven worshiping my Lord and Savior at His feet alongside my sweet Granny.

shake me!

Literally some days I need someone to shake me and tell me
You is kind, you is smart, you is important... And that they love me.

Those simple words make a big difference when having a bad day...or week!

My own worst enemy

I am my own worst critic. 
I have "junk in the trunk", baggage, or whatever you want to call it that no one knows about. (well maybe one or two people if that)
I have trust issues with everyone mainly because I have them within myself.
I often do not love myself so I believe that is why I don't feel that others love me even when they say they do.
I smile and say I'm good when I'm really not.
I keep busy and help others because that keeps me distracted from my own disappointments.
I do not ask for help.  
I do not ask why.  
I'm hard headed and selfish.
Why would anyone want to be friends with or love this?
I am my own worst enemy!


Hebrew 4:15 says "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin."
First of all...Wow! Only a perfect God could be tempted in ALL things that we are/have and not sin. I am not one to lash out at others in words or actions but the lashings are sometimes in my mind and that may be just as bad or worse than criticizing them to their face.  So sin is the natural human reaction when you're being beaten on by those around you.

So I have to dwell on 1 John 1:9 that says "But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins to cleanse us from all wickedness."

Again with the word ALL....cleanse us from ALL wickedness!
All the things that hang over my head...all the things that I carry on my back...all the wickedness that the devil has fed my brain that lingers every day. He forgives our sins and cleanses us from that...from ALL of that.

God has already forgiven every sin I have ever committed and ever will. He waits for us to gratefully choose to receive His amazing grace of forgiveness. I thank Jesus for paying my debt for my sin and for forgiving me and for loving me! I know He did and I know He does love me. I'm just not sure why. But sometimes we don't get to figure out all the whys in life. I just fall back on the fact that He continually says that He does love me, that He does forgive me, that He will never leave me.
Ephesians 1:5 says "God decided in advance to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. This is what He wanted to do, and it gave Him great pleasure."
Verses and songs that remind us that He chose us and has adopted us almost always make me cry. Why in the world would He want me in His family? Why in the world would this give Him great pleasure? Hello...why me? I'm not that great.
Then He throws John 16:33 at me saying "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world"
And Hebrews 12:7 that says "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?"
God has adopted me. God has overcome all trials and troubles. He disciplines us like his children. Sharpening us and encouraging us to be less like the world and more like Him. 

So today when the devil is speaking loud in my ear of the wickedness of my past and pointing out the flaws in my present state, I am trying to hard to lean on God. If I can trust anyone at all, I trust God. The rest is a work in progress but I am trying. Through Him all things are possible. So I look to Philippians 4:8 which exclaims "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. It is so hard to see things that are excellent on days that all the negative things are pouring in. But it's there. One true thing is my Savior. He's all I need to make it to tomorrow. Some days clinging to the cross as a tornado of the world passes through is what we have to do.  He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. ~ Isaiah 40:29-31

Nicaragua

Nicaragua Spring Break 2013 trip Journal entries...
(This is basically just a log of what we did.)

Sunday, March 17th/Monday, March 18th 1:15am
The plane rides weren't as bad as I expected.  They seemed fairly quick and the turbulence wasn't bad either.  When we arrived in Managua everyone was tired.  We made it through security and through customs fairly quickly and headed out to meet our wonderful interpreters Chico, Melvin, Jessica, and Cairo...and our driver Franklin. They all seemed very nice and Ken, Tommy and the others who were returners to Nicaragua had met them before.  It was fun getting to listen to them reminisce and catch up since their last meeting.  We had a 2 hour van ride to get to Rivas from Managua and it was getting late so we were a pretty quiet group and many people were dozing.  We about had a hard attach when Franklin hit his breaks and swerved to avoid a man that was walking down the middle of the road.  That guy had to have been drunk or sprung out on something.  It was crazy but got us all alert for sure.  It was really dark so I didn't get to see much of the countryside on our drive to Rivas but it just seemed like the flatland country of eastern Arkansas to me.  The hotel is nice.  It has hammocks and rocking chairs everywhere.  The rooms weren't bad either.  It was way better conditions than I expected.  Char and I were given a room together and we went in got settled and ready for bed. We lost an hour because Nicaragua doesn't observe Daylight Savings Time.  We knew our 6:30am wake up call was going to come early.  I have enjoyed spending time with Char!  She is a great woman and I look forward to getting to know her better this trip.  
My prayer tonight is that God's will be done in whatever He has for us this trip.

Monday, March 18th 11:00pm
Day 1 of work in Nicaragua is about to be complete as I lay in bed.  The vegetation is simply amazing here!  Trees upon trees of fruit.  Papaya, lemons, avocados, bananas, star fruit, pineapples, coconuts, plantains...etc.  Anna has tons of fruit trees on her property and we have tons at our hotel as well.  The Papayas are starting to ripen and have been falling from the trees hitting the metal roof at the hotel all evening.  It is loud and scared several of us the first few times.
Poverty is the norm here for sure.  Small brick, stone, or metal scrap made buildings many without doors or windows made up their houses.  Many appears to be one room possibly two and many had several people outside them as if they all lived there.  We say many people washing their clothes in whatever water they had in a bucket and hanging them up to dry sometimes on a nearby barbed wire fence.  These barbed wire fences around their properties were what kept the big animals and help keep intruders out.  Anna said that she needed a barbed wire fence around her plants to keep the cows from destroying them.  She did not have cows.  Later today I noticed random herds of cows just roaming down the street not being herded by anyone.  This is what she is talking about I suppose.  The guys started  working on digging post holes for the fence and the rest of us began to clean up and get ready to paint.  Someone from our church picked out a beige color for us to paint the kids center.  We knew as soon as it was delivered that it did not fit in with the central american style.  We started painting anyways because we knew we could at least us it as a primer.  The room was clay bricks so it was really dark and had lots of deep crevices in between each brick.  It took us all day to finish up the one coat but I think we did a great job for the amount of time that we completed the task.  We didn't see much of Anna today. She was out and about busy gathering supplies for feeding for that afternoon.  She did stop in for a bit and she expressed her dislike as well of the beige color and explained that painting a few different colors would be good and brighten the place up.  "This place is for the kids" she said.  "They will like something bright and colorful".  So we plan to buy 3 different colors and make the place colorful tomorrow.  It was hot but breezy so it wasn't too awfully bad.  I was definitely sweaty and dirty though.
Several kids arrived in the afternoon and ran straight for the baseball gear.  It was fun to see them so passionate about something I know a lot about.  However they didn't pay much attention to us.  Since I don't speak Spanish, I just observed them and took a few pictures.  It was fun watching them rag on each other and cheer and even argue over a play.  They are just like any american country kids.  The few little kids were funny.  One little boy that lives there at the center with his family who are like the center caretakers, his name was Josua (translated to Joshua but said like Ho-s-weigh).  He was super cute and wasn't very friendly in the morning but was giggling and playing with us in the afternoon.  
As we drove home we noticed the lake so close to our hotel and in the distance a volcano on an island in the middle of the lake.  Franklin drove us down there and we took a few pictures from the van window.  Once we all got back and took showers, Ken wanted to walk down to the lake to see it.  The lake was beautiful and big with waves like an ocean.  The volcano was pretty cool too.  We waded a little and the water was nice.  We observed the beauties for a bit.  Ken told a few stories about past trips some good and one tragic.  Then we cam back and got ready to go to a restaurant and I ordered the grilled shrimp.  I thought I better play it safe to avoid any stomach issues and I figured the shrimp were probably good in a place like this. It was good too!  I had a great time fellowshiping with these wonderful people.  We got back around 8:30 and everyone was on their phones talking and emailing and facetiming.  We decided to switch up the room assignments since Char and I were working at different places each day and Char needed to communicate with Jessica about the slides and translation of her teachings for the next few days.  It didn't matter too much for me because I knew we would only be in the room to sleep and shower.  So we switched rooms and then relaxed.  I didn't really have anyone to facetime and I didn't really have anyone that I couldn't wait to tell about my day.  I relaxed though in a rocking chair for a while and a hammock for a while and then excused myself to bed.  I am now rooming with Loi but she was outside facetiming with what seemed to be like all of her friends and family.  She is nice and speaks fluent Spanish so it will be helpful to have a friend like her here.  So here I am tired and thankful to have had a full days work making a difference in a "place for the kids".  :) 
My prayer tonight is for God to break down my walls of fear and the walls of language barriers so that I may feel more comfortable loving on these kids.

Tuesday, March 19th 9:15pm
Today was a quick but good day of working!  We had plans to drive to the Pacific coast for dinner which was about a 45 minute drive from Rivas so we had to leave a little earlier than yesterday.  Today we painted the beautiful colors on the walls of the center.  The colors just lite up the place and you could tell that Anna and the kids were happy to have it.  The guys worked hard at digging more post holes and setting the posts and stringing barbed wire today.  The ground is so dry and rocky that it takes several of them taking turns to accomplish one post hole.  I was amazed again at the amount of work that we accomplished with this short work day.  It had to be God!  He was making all things fall together and work out just as He wanted.  We didn't see many kids today except for the few that live there.  Josua was cranky again this morning but after noon he came to life and played and giggled.  I would take him home if they would let me.  :)
We left early but apparently it wasn't early enough.  Loi was in the shower when Cairo came by explaining that we are leaving for the ocean in 15 minutes...WHAT???  I hadn't been in the shower yet and I was dirty and sweaty in desperate need of at least a little water and soap and definitely new pair of clothes.  By the time it was my turn to get in I had 5 minutes to shower and change.  That was the fastest I've ever gotten ready in my life!  The van ride to the beach was an easy 30 minute trip and Anna had joined us for the evening.  Once we arrived we were all in awe of the beauty of the ocean and beach.  The translators said that this was Gringo town because it is often a tourist town where Americans and Europeans come.  There were definitely many more white people and obviously more tourists here than in Rivas for sure.  However, besides the beautiful beach the buildings weren't at all impressive and the hotels appeared similar to ours in Rivas.  We walked down to the water and Colton and I got in for a bit.  He went all the way under and swam a bit but I never got my hair wet and just waded about chest deep.  The water was so cold but felt nice in the sunshine.  The other girls were prepared to get in but never did because the water was so cold.  I couldn't pass up the opportunity to swim in the Pacific ocean.  I may never get the chance again.  It was absolutely gorgeous!  We only stayed in for about 20 minutes and then decided to go clean up and join the rest of the crew.  After changing, us girls decided to take a look around so we took a stroll down the street.  There were many booths along side the street many with trinkets and things.  I wasn't impressed with the pricing of anything so I didn't buy anything.  When we got back I sat beside Anna and Melvin at the dinner table and got to interact with them a bit.  I found out that Anna is about to turn 30 and she is excited for a big party.  They are funny and great people.  They are such good examples of Christ driven people. It was a good night and great food.  The service was medicre but it made for great fellowship time.  I heard many army stories on our end of the table between Roger, Johnny, and the very knowledgeable Colton.  It was pretty interesting though.  The drive back seemed quick and we were back at Hotel Hammackas before I knew it.  Of course people went straight for the hammocks and the rocking chairs so I joined them.  I called Julie and Abby.  It was a little late but I got to talk to them for a few minutes.  It was good to talk to them.  Abby was asking me why i was in Nicaragua.  Then she told me about her Lamby (that I got her).  Now I lay here in bed tired from a wonderful day of work and sightseeing.  Praying for a great day tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 20th 8:45pm
Day 3 was a good one.  We had planned to clean up our paint mess and finish the final touches on that.  Also we planned to start working on planting the plants and grass that we had bought for the front fenced in areas.  We got to Anna's and there still was no water.  The guy was there waiting on us to help him try to work on the well.  So we all went back there to help.  They tied a rope to him and lowered him down in the well.  Then we pulled up the rope and lowered down a bucket of tools.  This well was probably 40 foot deep and maybe 3 foot around.  The guy wasn't down there but for about 5 minutes maybe less.  He spoke to Cheeko a few things in Spanish and Cheeko yelled for us to get him out quick that the guy couldn't breathe.  So all the guys grabbed the rope and pulled this guy out.  He was wet with sweat and water and exhausted yet accomplished nothing.  He said that there simply was no air circulation down there and it was so hot that it is suffocating and you just can't breathe.  I know I wouldn't want to be down there but this is a guy that specifically worked on wells...you would think that he knew how to work in these conditions.  He told us that he will have to wait until it rains or becomes cooler before he could accomplish anything in the well.  This is the start of summer for them...They can't go all summer without water!  Kind of disgusted at the lack of progress with the well, We all went back to the feeding center and the guys went to work more on the 
fence while the rest of us attempted to clean up spilled and splattered paint in the feeding center.  We didn't have water or many rags.  We had a water bottle with paint thinner so a couple got rags dabbed them in paint thinner and began to scrub the floor.  It needed more scratching than wiping and the paint thinner was strong so we decided that scraping it up and sweeping would be more logical.  Except we didn't have anything to scrap with.  One of the guys had a pocket knife so he was scraping with that.  I grabbed a plastic bottle top just to see if it would work and not scratch the tile real bad.  It worked!  It made a screeching noise and took a while to do one area but it worked.  Before I knew it there were three of us using bottle caps but it was getting that paint up good.  We scraped all morning.  It got it up though and it looked good.  Then we attempted to mop with the only water we could find and it was like smearing mud around but it did look better.  The colors on the walls kept your attention away from the floors anyways.  :)
The guys finished the fence mid morning and was waiting for dirt to be delivered to fill the area with dirt so we could plant the plants.  After lunch...we waited and waited...but nothing came.  We cleaned more and organized more and visited with each other...the dirt still didn't come.  A few of us wanted to walk down to the dump just to see what it was like so we walked down the dirt road about a 1/4 mile till we reached the edge of the dump.  It was just fields and fields of trash.  Piles that looked like hills in the landscape of just trash.  You could see in the distance several people out there moving around and there was a little family close to the edge where we were...A man working hard, a woman sorting with a baby on her hip and a small toddler following close behind her with plastic bottles in his hand.  I kinda wanted to continue walking to see more but the rest of the group stopped and some of them even started walking back.  I didnt take any pictures of the dump because the group kept saying how awkward it was to be watching these people rummage through trash.  Cheeko stood at the edge with his hands on his hips obviously heart broken for these people.  I stood beside him kindof hoping he wanted to walk more and maybe talk to some of these people.  Cheeko told me that the children in the dump and even children living nearby are always sick.  He said that a 10 year old child will sometimes only appear to be 5 years old because illness has taken over their body preventing them from growing properly.  That is sooo sad.  Cheeko has a 3 year old son so it was obvious that his heart was broken for these children.  He turned around as to walk back in disgust so I turned and went with him.  We walked back and not much conversation was had.  I took several photos of trees and flowers on the walk.  When we got back to the center, there was still no dirt.  
This was the day that we planned to stay later and help feed the kids and pass out our donated flip flops.  Some of the kids showed up and played baseball in the street.  Some of the kids were swinging.  Some were playing board and card games.  Some were attempting to play frisbee.  We all just played with the kids.  Anna went around to all the houses down her road and near the dump inviting people to come to the party.  She bought 2 pinatas and we filled them with candy.  We set up tons of chairs and benches back close to her house.  We organized the shoes by size.  And played with the kids more.  More kids and women started showing up.  Kids started moving their chairs really close to us.  It was funny.  They were all so cute!  One little boy was trying so hard to talk to me but I had no idea what he was saying.  Anna picked several kids out and they played a few games of tug-o-war.  They had a blast doing that and some of the adults joined in to help the losing team.  It was funny and we shared lots of laughs.  Then we strung up the pinatas and the girls had one then the boys had one.  The kids had a blast and boy did they attach that candy when it hit the ground.  I even saw a few of the adults down there scrambling for some.  Then we went inside to get ready to hand out flip flops.  Anna sent in four at a time so it wouldn't get too crazy and we took their current shoes off them if they had any and fitted them for the right size.  These kids were so grateful, thankful, excited, and precious.  They loved the gifts!  There were a lot of kids there so me and a few others continued fitting kids for shoes and all the others helped hand out bowls of food (the manna rice meals).  After the final kids had gotten their shoes, I walked out of the house and the 80 or so people that were there were all gone and the sun was beginning to set.  What seemed like a slow workday had so many little God moments!  
Of course we went back to the hotel, showered, then went downtown for dinner.  I got seafood again.  I enjoyed it though very much.  You could tell it was fresh and they don't add any crazy seasonings to it which I love.  Just straight grilled with olive oil and garlic. :)  Also The vegetables were simply amazing.  You can obviously tell they are fresh and these people probably just cut them up and cooked them just now.  It appeared to be carrots, squash, and zucchini.  But some of it was colored different and cut differently than in America so I just assumed what vegetable it was.  It was super yummy though!  It was fun to fellowship with the whole crew after a long but great day.  Then we went back to the hotel for hammock swinging and rocking chair rocking. That's where I'm at now.  Swinging in a hammock almost ready for bed.
Thankful for a great day!  It's so humbling that these kids with worn clothing, worn shoes (if any), living in shacks and poverty and how happy and full of life they are.  It's really a slap in the face at how good I have it and yet I complain all the time about things and what i don't have.

Thursday, March 21st 9:15pm
Last day in Revis...it was a short work day. Started with the usual breakfast of rice and beans. We had sweet plantane also which was yummy. Char did devotion and it was great! She talked about Jeremiah 1 and how we often make mistakes to avoid the things on our heart that the Lord calls us to and how she avoided Ken's invitation to teach with him in Nicaragua. She just really hit the nail on the head with topic for me. 
We knew it would be a short work day but how short depended on if the dirt would be delivered or not. We wanted to at least go say goodbye though and to see if there was anything else we could do for Anna. We prayed that the dirt would be delivered in time for us to complete the planting project that we prepared for but the way Anna talked it didnt look to hopeful. As we drove up to the feeding center there at the end of the drive was a very large pile of dirt. We were so happy! Anna told us that they normally dont make deliveries until after lunch but today they delivered our dirt at 7am. :) God again proves that He provides above and beyond what we expect and need! 
We all got to work. There were several kids there because they let school out for vacation and they wanted to help us. They brought more shovels and buckets of water which they played in. They were such a blessing. With everyone and the kids working, we were able to get the dirt moved and everything planted in less than 2 hours just in time before we had to leave. It was kind of surreal that we were leaving. We hugged a few necks and was rushed in the van to leave before much emotion could set in. What a wonderful place this is and the sweet people will always be in my heart. 
We stopped at the bible institute to eat lunch. It was a nice place and it was so good to see so many people there hearing the word of God and learning how to apply and teach others themselves. Charlotte went with us to check out of the hotel and get our bags. We then headed to the Market for shopping. This was Charlotte's favorite thing to do. Everyone else wasnt quite excited. We got there and it was kinda like what you see at Toad Suck under one roof like a flea market. They were all homemade products and some very unique. I enjoyed walking around and seeing it all. Charlotte found a lot of  deals and after 2 hours she was finally happy and done shopping. We then headed to Managua to meet the others at our hotel for the night since we our flight leaves at 6am tomorrow. The countryside was beautiful. Lots of farm land. I literally starred out the window the whole hour and half drive to Managua.  We got to the hotel and this hotel was like the Ritz compared to what we had been used to this week. It is gorgeous. There is a beautiful courtyard and pool with tons of trees. The rooms were super fancy too. We all cleaned up then went to dinner at this hole in the wall place that Ken loves. It was pretty good. The meats cooked on the grill were great but everything else was just ok. It was super cheap though. I paid like $5 with tip for my meal and i had way more than i needed. After dinner we went back to the hotel and hung out. We said goodbye to all the interpreters and now I'm sitting out by the pool reflecting on this wonderful trip and sad that the week was already over. All the others were excited to get home to their families but i know nobody is anticipating my return and i will go home to an empty dorm. I doubt I receive a single phone call assuring my safe return either But thats the life i have and I'm proud God has me where He does and glad He helped me out of the pit i dug and put myself in not so long ago. I have enjoyed being the hands and feet of Christ. I loved being a part  a team that loves the Lord and wants nothing more but to share that love and serve others. I hope to get this opportunity again soon and it makes me look forward to OMP even more.
Good night and God bless!

Friday, March 22nd 8:30pm
Made it home. Its cold here! The flights were good this morning. We went through security pretty fast. There were several other mission teams mostly youth group ages on our flight to Houston. They were all nice people. In Houston we went through customs and we were trying to rush to make our flight and lost Colton. He had been held back with customs for having alcohol in his bag. They did let him go and surprisingly they let him keep the alcohol. Charlotte had a little bit of a freak out moment and made sure someone stayed with him the rest of the trip. We all made it to the terminal to grab a sandwich and catch the plane to little rock. I dozed most of the trip and it seemed like minutes rather than hours. Landed in Arkansas and it was dreary and cold. Char and I stopped and got a Starbucks coffee when we got off then we proceeded to baggage claim where Emily's family were there waiting with my bags ready to go. So i hugged Char and Ken and then left with the Allison family.They are a sweet little family and i was appreciative of the ride. I made it home to my empty dorm and curled up on my couch to rest. I fell asleep and 4 1/2 hours later i woke up went and rented a few movies and now here i am. Is it possible to already miss Nicaragua and the team? I guess it is bc I do.

God is so good and as I finish typing up these journal entries from the Nicaragua the flood of faces and God's work are so fresh on my brain. I'm still humbled that people gave money so much money to make it possible for me to be able to go. I'm so thankful! I will never forget this trip and i hope to get to be able to go again some day. Praying for all of you out there and encouraging all of you to step out of your comfort zone to work a mission trip. All you have to do is prepare your heart and be prepared to work...God does the rest!

What if

Today I have been running a lot of "What if"s in my head.

What if ...God has something way bigger planned for me for this trip than I can imagine. (which I'm sure He does)
What if ...He is calling me to more than just this trip.  Am I ready or prepared for that?
What if ...He has kept me single for this exact moment for a reason. What if He calls me to move there?
What if ...
What if ...He is preparing my heart for adoption. What will that look like?
What if ...He is simply humbling me about the realities of the world. How can I make a difference?
What if ...He is opening my eyes. He works through ALL situations!
What if ...He introduces me to the man of my dreams. What?
What if ...
What if ...Jimmy never makes a move. He probably won't.  Nice only goes so far. Get off the couch boy!
What if ...they decrease my pay at CBC. It could happen.
What if ...I move out of the dorm.  Do I get a roommate? It has consumed my life the past four years. If I'm lonely now, if I move out how lonely would I be then.
What if ...God simply strengthens me, changes me, grows me.  I sure hope so!

I keep running these scriptures through my head. 

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. - Deuteronomy 31:8

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:34

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-7

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

Welcome to today's thoughts.... :)

On my heart

In October 2010, Fellowship was seeking individuals to join the mission team for a week long trip to go help at an orphanage in Nicaragua in November that year.  Right then God reached out and shook me.  He got my attention that I didn't have to be a gifted teacher to go on a mission trip.  They really needed people to go show the love of Christ to these Nica children.  I thought to myself....I could do that!  I love kids!  Yet I made excuses about timing and work and other things.  I even touched on the topic (along with many other things) in a blog I posted on November 7th, 2010.

God has kept this on my heart though.  

Every time another opportunity arose, the church would advertise that they were putting together a team for another trip and that there was a spot for everyone who was being called to go. Yet I made up excuses about timing and other things every single time...and maybe the timing was wrong.  

But He kept it on my heart.

A year ago almost to the date I met with Ken (my pastor) to talk about baptism.  I had really been focusing on my walk with God and digging into the word and wanted to fulfill all that God calls me to do and at that time I felt God pushing me to make that declaration of faith through baptism even though I was not a "new" believer.  I want to be obedient to all that God is calling His people to do.  So I talked with Ken after I had thought about it, researched it, prayed about it, and after talking with Ken I committed to do it.  I then got to ask a few very special people to join me on stage as I made this declaration of faith in front of the church.  And it was beyond a blessing. (I blogged about it on March 25th, 2012).

My point in bringing that up is to say that God had something on my heart and I didn't leave it be.  I planned then to start not letting the ways of this world get in the way of what He was, is, and is going to do in my life.  And when He speaks to listen.  But then came trials...

I haven't blogged in a long time because I'm going to throw out the excuse of being busy.  However, The true answer is God has blessed me with many different things and many different people in my life and along with that of course comes trials especially when some of those people are not following God.  I'm not going to blame others for my faults because I am just as much of a sinner as others.  But when the time arose that I was able to blog throughout the past year, most of the time I had negative feelings about my situation and about myself.  I chose not to vent because even though venting is good it also stirs negativeness in the soul.  If I didn't have anything nice to say I chose to not say anything at all.  In some cases it has been that I could not even see God's hand in making my situation better and that wasn't a good place to be.  The devil has been working super hard to change my mind from what I know God has convicted me of not letting the world get in the way of what He is doing.  Some days I let the devil get too much of me.  But every day I'm clinging to the cross!

Deep down He still had it on my heart...

January 2013....The church announced that the early 2013 trip to Nicaragua would be during spring break.  God shook me...Again!  "Sarah this is your chance."  The church had an interest meeting but I had an event during that time with my Res Life staff for spring training which was something that I couldn't miss because I was leading it.  But this time it was very heavy on my heart to go.  So I needed more information.  I knew that my friend and mentor Charlotte was going and had been before so I texted her to get information.  I had already planned to have lunch with her the next week so she said she would just bring me information about it then.  She also told the pastor that I was interested and he sent me information.  At this point I have only one excuse holding me back from this trip...I had already booked and made plans for spring break.  I was excited about it too.  Daytona Beach! Beachside condo!  A week of relaxing!  However, after hearing about the Nicaragua trip, I wasn't as excited about the beach.  To lay quietly on the beach or make a difference in a child's life....is there really an option?  The beach is amazing and I could always use some time of rest BUT will the timing ever fit perfectly in my work schedule to go on this Nicaragua trip.  Well while I was eating with my friend and as she was telling me about the trip, our associate pastor approached us for a moment and he just asked me if there really was anything that's holding me back.  I just don't have a good enough excuse.  The condo could be canceled.  Yes I would lose some money but is a little bit of money really worth stopping me from going on what may be a trip of a lifetime or the start of a journey of many trips...who knows what God has planned.  I prayed and thought about it.  If I went and laid on the beach, I would have regretted every minute.  God has it on my heart for a reason. So I said yes! 

The world and the devil want to consume me but they lose that battle because I am His!  God has been teaching me that prayer and faith in Him will result in Him showing me "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21). 

I sent out letters for support and prayer for my trip just a few weeks ago.  I prayed over those letters and talked with God about it for a long time.  I just asked that people give what they can but most importantly pray!  I knew that a large percentage of who I sent the letters to would not be able to send much if any at all.  I also knew that a large majority of the people loved me but may not normally give to church functions.  So I had faith that the trip was going to be taken care of even if that meant me digging into some of my savings for part of it.  I knew God had it taken care of one way or the other even if He had blessed me with the ability to have some money in savings to be able to use on this trip.  Well, I was notified on Tuesday that my trip is completely paid for through what I have received in support.  I literally am speechless still!  Ephesians 3:20-21 in real life!  Wow, God!  Wow! God!  Thank you!!!  I'm so very thankful that my family and friends gave so much...I just can't explain or express the appreciation I have for this.  You are all a true blessing!!!

I pray that God's will be done in this Nicaragua trip and that we don't let ourselves get in the way of what He has planned.  I pray for the people who gave to my trip that they may reap blessings themselves that bring them to their knees in thanksgiving the way these blessings have brought me.  And I pray that He keeps placing things on my heart and that I listen and obey.

I love you all!
Sarah Headley

Blogging

I want to apologize to the blogging world.  Last year I only blogged like 5 or 6 times the whole year of 2012.  This year I want to blog more.  So be prepared. :)  I hope to blog at least once a month.  I would really like to get into the habit and blog once a week.

I haven't blogged a lot lately because I've been busy and when I want to blog I tend to have negative things on my mind and there are already enough negativity in this world so I just haven't shared at all.

I'm going to work on a blog post to put up by the end of the week.  Until then....happy blogging.  

FEEL

In day to day things, I don't ask for help even though I usually need it every day!

I know I am loved by many...but I fight a battle to convince myself this every day because I so often don't feel loved.

I know Jesus was sent here with me in mind to die for ME...I know this...That is true unconditional love!  Yet, even though my brain and my heart know and understand this unconditional love and even though I know beyond a doubt that I am far more blessed than many and far more blessed than I deserve....I still fight with myself every day because I desire to FEEL love.
So every day I pray.  Every day I ask God to give me strength.  Every day I ask Him for help.  Every day I rely on my faith to keep me sane.  Some days I end up in tears on my knees begging for comfort begging for relief begging for love begging to have closer relationships with those around me.
I believe in the love my wonderful Savior has for me and am comforted by his word in Psalm 37:4 that says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  I pray this every day.  I seek Him and trust in Him and His plan for me.  What that is and the timing of how everything will come about is only from Him.  The human nature in me struggles with being patient.  So I just pray and seek Him more for help.
If you are out there struggling with God's timing in your life, you are not alone.  

Be still

Another OMP has come and gone.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  Every year at OMP, I allow myself to be open to what God is saying and I am more open to actually hear Him.  I don't have cell service at the camp, the camp surroundings are very beautiful, and the christian environment and purpose we are all there shines through every person.  I can't imagine going to an OMP and not seeing God all in and through it.

I was excited about camp ahead of time but I don't think I ever prepared my heart for it.  I went into it with excitement knowing what was required of me job wise and looking forward to meeting and hanging out with all these amazing campers and staffers.  I did have a great time and got to meet some awesome people and got to hang out with some campers and staffers that I've been at camp with before.  I also got to spend a little time with some awesome ladies who I love so dearly...the cooks.  :)

It was a great week!  However, I feel like each day flew by and I didn't get to do and go and serve in all the entities that I have in past years.  I'm just not sure where the time went.  I did get to visit with a few neighbors though and I did get to haul lumber, use a hammer, a paint brush, and got dirty so it wasn't a week wasted.

However, I should've prepared my heart more...I didn't expect my heart to be broken and to ache so much for some of the people we were serving.  I didn't prepare myself to have to fight tears back as one of the campers explained to our group at sharing time that the little boy at their house didn't know who Jesus was.  I didn't expect songs that I have heard a thousand times to knock me off my feet into prayer. 

I'm not sure that I have ever prayed as much as I did during that week of OMP.  I often found myself on the dock at the lake praying, worshiping with prayer, starring at the canopy of trees outside with the sun peaking through...praying, in a car full of people...I was praying.  I just was full of thankfulness and mainly found myself constantly thanking Him for all the people and things around me.

OMP's theme this year was Call Out and the theme verse was Psalm 88:1-2 "Lord, you are the God who saves me; day and night I cry out to you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry."
I could tell my heart was crying very loudly to God and it wasn't something I prepared and planned to do.  He was crying out to me through all these people and things as well.


I've been struggling lately really my whole life with feeling love.  I'm just one of the worker bees that blends in with the crowd.  I don't stand out with my looks or my actions.  I blend in.  In a world where it is cool, encouraged, and praised to be one who stands out and are extreme.  I find it harder to see my importance in everything I participate in because I don't stand out.  Even though I notice this I still don't desire to change to assure that I get noticed.  I know God made me the way He made me for a reason and I don't want to be anyone but me and I refuse to change myself for anyone but Him.  Months ago He called me to step out in faith for Him so I got baptized.  That was an amazing experience!  I may be the only one that remembers that day and that's ok.  It was for Him.  After that experience, I'm not sure why in the back of my mind I expected life to get easier.  In fact it quickly became harder and is still hard.  Being the stubborn person I am...I refuse to ask for help.  The encouraging people in my life are busy and I don't get to see them as much as I feel their need in my life.  God has pushed me and continues to tell me through scripture and did through OMP that He is all I need.  He has been there since my first disappointment...since my first pain...since my first tear.  His word is the encouragement that I need.  Sure friends and fellow believers who build each other up are a blessing but not a necessity for difficult times or any time for that matter.


I wish I could remember the names of the songs that sent tears rolling down my face at OMP.  I have racked my brain but it isn't coming to mind.  I can't even remember the exact words of the lyrics.  It basically pretty much said or whatever it said spoke directly to my heart saying I AM here.  I got you.  Everything is going to be ok.  There is nothing wrong with you because I made you.  Yes you are a sinner but bring it to me and let me have it.  Quit holding the burdens of your sin after you confess them.  Let go.  I have been with you this whole time even when it seemed as if everyone left.  I AM here for you. I am yours and you are Mine.  Call out to Me for help.  I will always be right here.


As you can tell, I'm still a work in progress and I don't want anyone to ever think that just because I work at CBC, step out and get baptized as an adult, work at mission project camps, and crave to serve anyone and everyone I can that I have it all together.  I don't!  Quite far from that actually.  I do crave to grow and be better though because many days of my life I do feel like He is all I have...but He is all I need so I want to strive to be closer to Him. 


OMP this year didn't necessarily teach me any specific thing that wasn't already stirring in my heart.  The speakers were wonderful and encouraging and challenging though and I will forever carry their words with me through daily life.  The staff were great and our meetings and prayer sessions were such an amazing blessing.  The simple time spent and conversation with my sweet friends (the wonderful cooks) were so comforting.  I feel so relaxed and at home with them even when they are full of energy and silliness.  I love them so much and I can't even describe why.  God just put them in my path and I love them more every single day like they were my family.

I may not have come out of the week with an amazing new insight and mission but it sure was a wonderful time for me to be still and just be me.  To actually hear Him and to actually listen.  To be with Him and His people.  I'm so thankful for my amazing heavenly Father, His amazing people, and His grace filled days that He blesses us with.

Love...

God blessed me with the ability to love others easily.  Sometimes it is a good thing...sometimes a hurtful thing.  Unfortunately my ability to FEEL love myself is where the devil strikes hardest because he knows it's so important to me and my relationship with God and His people.
I read in the book The Vow....after a tragic accident this girl is in a coma. As she is in a wake stage of the coma, her husband tells her he loves her and she immediately responds back "I love you".  This girl has been in a coma for days and hasn't spoken, does not know what is going on, and is not alert...yet she spoke those words.  The doctors told him that it was her brain's natural reaction and she did not know what or even that she said that and it was not a sign of recovery but a simple sign that the brain is still working and responding.
I believe that sometimes out of an act of kindness or maybe just a simple natural reaction of the brain we say these things every day.  I hear the words and give the words mostly every day myself...words of love. They come so easy and sometimes make people feel better so why wouldn't people especially people of God say them often.  This makes an act of kindness, a natural reaction of the brain, and/or a real statement of love hard to distinguish though.
It only makes sense that the devil has been on full attack mode since I am seeking more boldly to have an even closer relationship with Christ.  It only makes sense for the devil to attack my heart and try to convince me that I am unlovable...incapable of true love...He's pretty good at convincing.  Mainly because I know a lot of people and a lot of people tell me they love me.  It's not my place to judge whether that is a true statement or act of kindness or a natural reaction to my love for them.  But...it makes it a more convincing argument when people who supposedly love you never show interest in wanting to be with you for more than a few moments and if I didn't initiate conversation or love first... days and even weeks would go by and I'm just not sure if anyone would miss that i was gone.  It's a believable argument bc it's true.  Sure they would miss me at work...bc the work wouldn't be getting done...but that would last a day or two and they would just find someone else to do it...anyone could do it.  They might miss me at Jazzercise bc I wouldn't be there to class manage but Judy would be there and she would just think i was working....anyone can enter names into a computer.  They wouldn't miss me at church...i'm just one person in a big crowd there...one person that sits on the back row.  I don't have any friends that call...I don't have any friends that text.....if i receive a call or text it is because someone needs something...they don't necessarily need me...they just need help with something and they know i will help no matter who or what it is.  I was really aware of this when I was sick a week ago.  No one was in the dorm...i got a few text messages but...if would have passed out (which I felt I was very near this at many occasions) or become unconscious, I probably would've gone days before someone realized i was unconscious.  It just became a scary thought.
It's funny that my love language is quality time...it's what i feel that i have the least of right now....that's why it's easy for the devil to convince me that i'm unlovable bc no one shows an interest in wanting to be with me.
The devil chose to first hit me hard with this on Good Friday.  It's funny that it proves that God already won this battle.  It's funny that no matter how much the devil yells this crap in my ears...God is still going to be right beside me never leaving me...always desiring to spend more time with Me.  Me?!
Jesus led a wonderfully amazing life to be brutally beaten, thrashed, skin ripped from his flesh, kicked, ridiculed, spit upon, humiliated...even when he carried his own cross they whipped him and continued to yell and torture him yet he kept going...when he would stumble and fall they would beat him more...yet he got up and went on.  When he could barely hold his head up...with a little help he got up and continued on...still being beat on and yelled at.  When he fell flat on his face after making it to Calvary...they yelled at him...kicked him...taunted him...told him how lousy he was...yet He got up and did what they asked of Him...only to be nailed to the cross and hung to die.  He didn't curse back at them...but He prayed for them!  He did this so that we can be saved from our sin.  He did this as a sacrifice for us...as a symbol for His absolute love for us.  He did this for you!  He did this for me!  Now that's love!  That's a love that will forever be with me.  That's a true love that the devil will never be able to convince me is not real.
The devil can bring tears to my eyes and sorrow in my heart because I'm a failure at earthly relationships but he will never get my full heart.  He doesn't win...God does!  It's only through God's word and the Holy Spirit that I feel comfort that He is with me holding me when I hurt and loving me the way I need to be loved.  He is there also reminding me that through Him I find comfort and that I should never seek love through the world for it is only through Jesus that true love is found.  If earthly relationships don't have a Christ center then they will most likely cause heartache and pain.
That's why when I start to feel the overwhelming loneliness and hurt of my heart...when it is evident that even those that voice their love don't really want to love...I reach to Him more.  I realize that hurt is most likely caused by the devils words.  Love is love...regardless.  I'll take whatever bc I know I've got God and that's enough and anything more than that is bonus...a blessing.

*Disclaimer* - I'm not saying that everyone in my life is doing the wrong things because they aren't.  I'm not trying to encourage others to change to make me feel better.  I am not trying to and don't want to force guilt on anyone!  I hope this does not give this message.  I'm just simply stating the facts of my life.  I'm just trying to make myself aware by releasing emotion and facts...by forcing myself to face truth and to reiterate to myself that no matter what awesome or crappy hand I'm dealt with that God gives me each day for a reason and it starts and ends with Him and that alone is a blessing!

Strategist

Definition: Strategist - an expert in strategy or planning

The way life has been going lately can only have been put together by a strategist...and that person is definitely not me.
God is pretty amazing how all the crazy things going on right now that among that and through that He is giving me peace and blessings that I just cannot explain.  At a very busy part of life, He led me to this Women on a Mission bible study and not only made it possible but twisted things around in my schedule to make it happen.  Wow!  At the time when my schedule was beginning to be twisted around, I did not understand.  I was actually angry.  Little did I know that I needed that change to take place to make room for this bible study.  God's hand was truly in that.  He is definitely present each week when I do the homework and attend the meeting.  Each week we are encouraged to dig deeper to find out more about ourselves, why God strategically placed some things in our lives, and where He is leading us through that.  I'm now so aware of my past, present, and all that God has done through it all....and it makes it so much easier to be open to the future He has for me not the one the world is pushing me to have.  My plan is unique...as is yours.  How great a strategist is God that the millions and millions of people in this world that He has a unique plan, path, journey for every single one of our lives and He takes time to love us to our core and bless us beyond comprehension.

On top of a busy lifestyle, a wonderful bible study, and God revealing Himself through and despite that, God was tugging at my heart to look more into baptism.  See I have never been baptized even saved as an eight year old...it just didn't happen.  Even becoming involved with a church when I was in senior high...it didn't happen.  Even five years ago when I rededicated my life to living for Him...it didn't cross my mind.  It was just recently that it really started to stir in my heart.  So I started to read in my bible and a lot online about it.  Articles and articles arguing whether it is part of truly being saved or not. Arguing the fact that God calls us to be baptized or that the Spirit washes over us when we accept Christ in our life symbolizing a Spirit baptism. I searched and searched the bible...Truthfully I was seeking a loop hole.  I was trying to avoid it if at all possible.  I didn't really care for the idea of getting on a stage in front of a room full of people and being dunked in water...have you ever seen a wet cat... hideous!  Well that's how I picture myself looking after this process.  But scripture kept on showing itself to prove that God calls us to make that declaration of faith publicly.  Then I kept hearing these proclamations that we are to be bold in our faith and should step out to lead a life for Him....It's not about us...It's not about me...It's about Him and that relationship!
The stirring only got stronger...and I knew what God was wanting me to do.  I sent an email to the pastor of my church asking some questions and telling him my concerns.  We even scheduled a chat session together to talk about this.  Before I even walked in the door I already knew that God was calling me to be baptized but I still wanted some questions and concerns answered.  My pastor, Ken, and I don't really know each other that well so I filled him in on me and some of my story and how I had ended up in his office at that very moment.  He confirmed that scripture even though it is sometimes confusing specifically states that God asks us to make the declaration of baptism to represent our lives changed through Him and by Him.  He confirmed that No...you don't have to be baptized to be saved and that many different people falsely interpret that from scripture.
As someone who has and is continually trying hard to change my life to be more like Christ and less like the world, I want nothing more than to be as obedient as I possibly can to Him and His word.  So I made sure that Ken knew that I was thankful for his knowledge and confirmations in what I believed deep down I already knew.  I told him that I wanted to be obedient to what ever God is calling me to do and that I knew He had placed this in my heart because it is important to Him.  I told Ken that I indeed wanted to be baptized.  We talked about a few other things and he placed an idea in my head to include some special people that have been a blessing in my walk with the Lord.  I totally agreed so he sent me on my way to confront those people to see if it would be something they would like to be a part of before we set any dates.
When I met with Paige and Alicia, I guess I expected there to be some hesitation.  I guess I was preparing myself for them to say no.  I didn't want them to feel like they were being pressured into something.  I didn't want to coax them into pleasing me...I really just wanted them to be there even if they were just in the audience.  It was so funny because they didn't even hesitate for a moment.  They were flattered and became just as excited as I was.  I can't explain how blessed I am to have these girls in my life and to have them be a part of something that I have been so hesitant about doing for a long time was even more of a blessing.  God sure has used them to help make me become stronger and more bold.  I still see His light shinning right through them every time I'm around them.

Well...today was the day!  The day I got baptized.

It is funny that it ended up that I would have a week of relaxation away from every day life before this event.  That strategist knew He wanted it this way.  He was working on me every day throughout the week...through the wind..the sound of the waves...through a book that clearly declared that we can all be loved no matter how unlovable we make ourselves feel.  God loves us and through Him is the greatest relationship we will ever have.  Being bold and going outside of our comfort zone is exactly what He wants.  The silence and lack of stress in my life made it such a perfect time for Him to speak and for there to be no distractions for me to listen.  And I did!
I just love people and relationships.  God knows that and uses it but I also use it to get in the way sometimes.  I abuse it.  I often make myself feel unlovable when I'm not helping someone...when I'm not constantly surrounded by people.  Even though I really have known this for a long time, God really reiterated to me this week that I have to make sure that I make some alone time (like what I was currently doing) with Him.  He knows that I don't like to be alone.  He proved that I'm never really alone and that it could be fun and really enjoyable just being with Him.  I even went on a hiking trip by myself after we returned back to Arkansas.  It was an awesome day!  An awesome day that I spent with Him.

It was hard to go to sleep last night because of the excitement the morning would bring.  I even woke up before my alarm sounded...even after staying up late the night before. (I like sleep so that is a big deal)  I went to the early service to assure that I got to catch the whole message because I knew I might miss some of the second service getting changed after being baptized and what not.  The service was awesome!  The music was awesome!  God was sure doing some talking....then the last song of the service before my baptism of course it was...Never once. The song proclaims that never once did we ever walk alone, never once did He leave us on our own.  Carried by His constant grace held within His perfect peace we never walk alone.  I guess He just wanted to make it even more clear that I'm not alone...not only has he strategically placed people in my life but that He is always right there whispering sweet things in my ears.  Tears were so near because many years I spent feeling so very much alone.  I am so thankful that He is with me...He always was but I just didn't acknowledge him before.  I'm glad that He is guiding me closer to Him and helping me fight off that loud obnoxious voice of the devil.
I changed clothes and then within minutes Ken approached to give me the run down of how the service would go.  He told me that He was going to try it a little different this time.  Something not traditional.  He said that he wanted to do the baptism during a song as the body sang and as the band played.  He said that he would introduce me and describe to the body what was going to happen then I would go up and be baptized as the body worshiped...the baptism was my worship.  (Only God could have used music that I so clearly relate most to Him through and Ken didn't know of this information about me - oh that strategist God and His unique plans).  I think the song they played was Christ is Risen...but to be honest I didn't hear it at all.  I was focused on the task.  I got up there and the stage didn't seem like a stage...and I didn't feel the presence of the audience.  I heard music but I wasn't listening to the words...I saw the sweet faces of my wonderful friends there beside me and Ken as he spoke some sweet words and baptized me in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit.  We prayed...then it was over.  I felt an immediate sense of relief...a sense of weight cast off my shoulders.  Alicia cryed...Paige jumped up and down and cheered with excitement.  I was simply content and calm with relief not that it was over but that the representation of washing away the sin made it feel so much more real...that whatever I was holding on to...I released it to Him.  An unexplainable feeling that just soothed my soul.  I was so thankful that Paige and Alicia got to share that experience with me!  Their emotions of joy and excitement were exactly how I felt inside but the only thing that was coming out was a calmness that I still can't even explain....oh and of course a grin that wouldn't go away.  Even though the devil really tried hard to steal my joy after church was over...it didn't happen.  God knew the devil was going to try though and God knew that even through my newly gained strength that I was going to need some extra help...and He had some amazing people around me at the right time.  It was no accident.  And that grin that God gave me...it's still there. :)  Ain't nobody stealing my joy!

Sometimes that strategist God does things we can't explain...sometimes He rocks our world to the core...sometimes He puts people in our lives because they need to be there for specific reasons...sometimes everything changes just so that our world turns to point directly to Him.  Sometimes He pushes us to do things we don't want to do...He pushes us to be bold and courageous. All we have to do is show up!  He really did all the work today....It wasn't about me...it was about Him!  It wasn't my day...it was His!  I am just so grateful that He called me to be a part of it.

Just remember...even in the hard times and even when you're angry at how something is going...stop and think...maybe this is the strategist God altering life so that you may glorify Him better!

New Year

It's a new year.  Each year brings new things.  It's a time for starting something new or just trying to refresh/restart the old normal things by spicing them up and trying different approaches on things.  Many people make new years resolutions.  I used to do that.  I still kinda do I guess.  I've never been good at keeping them though.  I never make a big deal about it probably because I know that I'm not likely to keep them.  I always say that I'll try to diet or loose weight or give up sodas or something along those lines.  It usually lasts about a month then I give up and all goes out the window.  They are always things that I know I need to do but I don't always have the want or excitement about doing them so it doesn't last.
This year I figure I can still attempt changing my eating habits but the real resolution/commitment I have made for 2012 is that I started January 1st is Read through the Bible in a year.  I am using my bible app on my phone which is super handy and has the plan laid out for me for every day of the year.  It even has an audio version that is awesome if i want to listen in the car or something.
I've never read through the entire Bible before so I am excited to accomplish this task.  I'm excited to see what God shows me through His word.  I'm excited to be spending 2012 learning more about Him!  I'm excited!  Did I mention that I'm excited? :)
I pray that God uses this experience to bring me even closer to Him and that through that He uses me to further His kingdom.
Please keep me in your prayers as I go on this journey. :)

Path

Well, I haven't blogged in a long time...since August actually.  The semester is over now.  I'm so glad it is too and I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. 

This has probably been the worst and most stressful semester of my four years here.  The students aren't extra bad...none of that.  Just many things have gone wrong, many things have taken place that hurt my heart personally, and the devil is pushing in and attacking in all areas of my life causing me to fail easier in other areas that I usually have no problem.  It has not only affected me but people around me.  I hate that my issues and personal struggles are affecting others.

Lately I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe I need to make some changes in my life because if life continues the way it has gone this semester then I may indeed go crazy and if I'm affecting others I need to change before it gets worse for them.  With this feeling comes uncertainty and confusion and apprehension about the direction of my life and my job.  I know God is with me.  I know whatever or wherever I end up He will still be there with me.  I'm doing a lot of praying right now and could use prayers from anyone who reads this.  

Four years ago I felt God leading me to this campus.  Three years ago I felt God pushing me to take the Resident Director position.  I know God wanted me here and I have thoroughly enjoyed working for Him these past few years.  I never felt like I was working for a business...I felt like I was working for God.  Almost like it would be if I worked at a church I guess.  It has never been about money for me either.  I could care less as long as I have food on the table and the bills are paid.  I haven't cared about moving up the line in titles of the business.  I don't care that I work numerous hours outside of what is required of me and not get paid for that time...I do it voluntarily and will continue to do it because I enjoy putting extra time into these student's lives.  I care about being a part of what God is doing here and through the students and people here and what can be done for His glory.  But lots of things are happening in my life right now and I'm struggling with the questions of Does He still want/need me here or does He want me to move on.  I'm struggling with distinguishing whether the devil is trying to push me away from doing the work I feel so strongly that God led me here to be a part of and to do or if God is giving me reasons to move on from this place or maybe in my sinful human nature I have screwed up what God intended for me to do and His plans are now directing me elsewhere.

Please help me pray for peace and direction.  I don't want to leave but I don't want to be the reason someone is affected in a negative way...I want God's will for me and where he wants/needs me not what is easiest and most convenient for me.  The school is amazing and has been blessed and been a blessing in so many ways...the students that God sends here are amazing too.  Watching them grow and develop into such Godly young adults amazes me every day and I am so glad to be a tiny piece of helping them.  So I don't want to just be running from my troubles.  Our troubles will find us no matter where we end up.  The devil will always attempt to bring us down but God always wins in the end.  With faith, dedication to the word of God, and love we can achieve anything.  I know I probably have a long life ahead of me but I am holding tight to the truth that God has a beautiful and wonderful painless future for me in Heaven and this is just our temporary home.  Praise Jesus!!!  It's times like these that I pray Jesus returns soon though because this world is hard.  Until then...lots of prayers, faith, and trust in God focusing only on Him and that only through him will I be on the right path of life...His path.

an empty cup

Ya know...you think with age and wisdom life would get easier. Well...it doesn't!
I'm not saying that i am this great wise person that deserves a great life. I've seen and gone through enough trials and tribulations to have learned a few things in my 30 years. And I definitely do not deserve anything. Sure...I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have more than what I need. I have a wonderful family that loves me. God blessed me with a job that I love where I get to see great college students develop and grow in Him and into the people He wants them to be. It's wonderful!
Of course it's not all bright and shiny and sparkly good...but God is still using it to help me grow.
Some days I think...God, I can not handle any more! I just need a chance to breathe!
That has been how the past 2 weeks have been...not just one day but weeks. Just one thing piled on top of another and just when one thing gets worked out here comes 3 more things. I feel like I am emptying my cup to lots of people and things and as it begins to get filled back up I'm emptying it before I really get built back up.
Of course the more that is piled on my plate the more I want to control it to make sure it gets done. Well we all know how and where controlling things ourselves usually gets us. No where.
So here I sit...no where...with an empty cup.
Just praying....
God fill me up and continue to use me! I know you have good things that will come out of all of these difficult times. Romans 8:28. I know you have great plans for my life. Plans that are good and not harmful. Jeremiah 29:11. I pray that you just please keep me strong..build me up...I don't want to fail you any more than what I already do. I pray that Your grace continues to overwhelm my brokenness. Thank you Lord for never leaving my side even when many times I push you away.
Thank you!

Attack

Satan knows exactly when to attack. When he isn't attacking he is watching and waiting for the perfect time to strike. He knows me well. He knows my weaknesses and even though I try hard to stay as close to Jesus as I can, I still have my weak moments.
Usually once a month when my hormones are more excessive than usual is the prime time for attack. It's when it is easy for satan to convince me that I'm worthless. Or when I am super stressed dealing with work stuff to the point of major exhaustion...physically and emotionally. Well guess what...that time is now. So the pity party begins...
Right now he is saying...you are leaving no legacy, Sarah! You have ZERO close friends...how can someone with no close friends and no boyfriend be leaving a legacy. You are a failure at relationships!
That is all mostly true so that's why it's hard for me to swallow. So that's what my pity party is about...so I'm praying...
God please use me so that I may leave a legacy for You!...God, can that be done through a person who sucks at relationships? I'm good at loving but not good at relationships. I am quiet and often blend into a crowd almost invisible...how can I be leaving a legacy when i'm invisible sometimes even to my friends?...
I know God has great things in store for me. I know God is, has, and will continue to use me to glorify His name and grow His kingdom. I know He wins and Satan is defeated in the end! I know this life is not about me...it's definetly about Him and His glory through His creation!
Am I being too hard on myself...probably. Do I need to seek Him more and spend more time in the word and praying during these times...Yes.
He is all I need! With Him I am given everything I need to survive. He allows us to have a new day each morning. I am thankful for that even on days when I am feeling attacked and weak and emotions flying everywhere. I am thankful that He reminds me He is there even when it seems no one else is. Satan continues to attack...but as long as we cling to God...God will always win!