Well, I haven't blogged in a long time...since August actually. The semester is over now. I'm so glad it is too and I'm not going to sugar coat it for you.
This has probably been the worst and most stressful semester of my four years here. The students aren't extra bad...none of that. Just many things have gone wrong, many things have taken place that hurt my heart personally, and the devil is pushing in and attacking in all areas of my life causing me to fail easier in other areas that I usually have no problem. It has not only affected me but people around me. I hate that my issues and personal struggles are affecting others.
Lately I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe I need to make some changes in my life because if life continues the way it has gone this semester then I may indeed go crazy and if I'm affecting others I need to change before it gets worse for them. With this feeling comes uncertainty and confusion and apprehension about the direction of my life and my job. I know God is with me. I know whatever or wherever I end up He will still be there with me. I'm doing a lot of praying right now and could use prayers from anyone who reads this.
Four years ago I felt God leading me to this campus. Three years ago I felt God pushing me to take the Resident Director position. I know God wanted me here and I have thoroughly enjoyed working for Him these past few years. I never felt like I was working for a business...I felt like I was working for God. Almost like it would be if I worked at a church I guess. It has never been about money for me either. I could care less as long as I have food on the table and the bills are paid. I haven't cared about moving up the line in titles of the business. I don't care that I work numerous hours outside of what is required of me and not get paid for that time...I do it voluntarily and will continue to do it because I enjoy putting extra time into these student's lives. I care about being a part of what God is doing here and through the students and people here and what can be done for His glory. But lots of things are happening in my life right now and I'm struggling with the questions of Does He still want/need me here or does He want me to move on. I'm struggling with distinguishing whether the devil is trying to push me away from doing the work I feel so strongly that God led me here to be a part of and to do or if God is giving me reasons to move on from this place or maybe in my sinful human nature I have screwed up what God intended for me to do and His plans are now directing me elsewhere.
Please help me pray for peace and direction. I don't want to leave but I don't want to be the reason someone is affected in a negative way...I want God's will for me and where he wants/needs me not what is easiest and most convenient for me. The school is amazing and has been blessed and been a blessing in so many ways...the students that God sends here are amazing too. Watching them grow and develop into such Godly young adults amazes me every day and I am so glad to be a tiny piece of helping them. So I don't want to just be running from my troubles. Our troubles will find us no matter where we end up. The devil will always attempt to bring us down but God always wins in the end. With faith, dedication to the word of God, and love we can achieve anything. I know I probably have a long life ahead of me but I am holding tight to the truth that God has a beautiful and wonderful painless future for me in Heaven and this is just our temporary home. Praise Jesus!!! It's times like these that I pray Jesus returns soon though because this world is hard. Until then...lots of prayers, faith, and trust in God focusing only on Him and that only through him will I be on the right path of life...His path.
