Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

God doesn't make mistakes

I keep hearing people say that the perfect man will come along. I'm 32 with no prospects, no close friends, and what makes me cry the most is that God doesn't make mistakes.
It's not rare for people to walk into my life become my friend or companion and then leave just as fast as they walked in but with no desire to be a part of my life any longer. It keeps me insecure because it happens way too often. I am not perfect so I know it's not their fault; it's my own.  I just wish someone would talk to me and help me be a better person that someone...anyone...would want to spend time with.
God doesn't make mistakes! He created me to have a love language of quality time. Interesting since He created me that way and then made sure that no one filled that desire consistently.
It's confusing and it hurts but it will all be ok.  My life may be lonely and miserable with no one to share it with but I plan to live this life of misery for my Savior Jesus Christ if that is His plan for my life.  I don't understand it at all but my life belongs to Him and it's not really mine to understand and I probably never will.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014


Someone reminded me last week that I never blog anymore.  So I'm sorry to anyone who actually likes reading this mess I call my journey. :)  I'll try to be better. I promise!

Life has been a lot of ups and downs as usual since I last posted.  Grad school, work, and the little social life I have generally tends to be a big mess though for the most part.  God really is working hard on me to rely fully on Him.  It is a struggle daily though.  Some days I seriously think I need to get professional help because of how down and antisocial I have become.  Most people on the outside see a happy person but then the hermit mode kicks in after I get off work and on the weekends.  I have literally gone a whole weekend without speaking at all.  The devil has really been convincing me of my unworthiness.  He has been really pushing in my brain that people don't care about me and that I am easily forgotten.   He's pretty good at it too because as I have withdrawn from those around me...they have been withdrawing from interactions with me as well.  Literally just trying hard to keep my focus on God.

I know God is with me and for me and will never forsake me and never leave me alone.  That is where my comfort is and that is where my strength is.  I may not have tremendous super close relationships with anyone and I may be a horrible friend sometimes and that is why people withdraw from me but I have a friend in Jesus.  He is enough!  He is my portion forever!

I'm not saying that I have no friends because that is not true.  I have tons of friends!  Tons of people who care even if they don't show it much or call or ever visit, they are still friends.  I'll take what I can get.  Also, It is only by the Grace of God that through these friendships is it even possible for me to travel to Nicaragua this year.  Through their prayers and their financial support, I get to go.  That makes them pretty good friends, i'd say!

Despite my struggles with myself God has also definitely been throwing out the D word a lot lately.  Discipleship that is. :)  Basically He is saying Love your neighbors.  So yes, I can lean on God all day long alone but unless I love on others and give them that message of hope that they too can lean on God even in the hard times then what good is it.  So I am working on being way more intentional about loving others.  I'm not saying i'm out there every day seeking someone new to love but I am trying to love more.  Withdrawing from my surrounding will get me nowhere and I know that.  Even in the nowhere where I can focus on God, He wants me to let Him lead me to higher grounds.
So this is me....all over the place as usual...just trying to keep my focus on God and not the words of the devil and trying to follow the path God has for me.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Another day

I haven't blogged in ages.  Since May actually and it was short.  That was 4 months ago.  A lot has happened since then.  Here is a synopsis.
I decided to attend grad school.  CBC offered to pay for it but encouraged that I drop some responsibilities and drop some hours (including pay) to be successful in grad school.  I agreed that in order to be successful I would need to step back from a lot of things.  I was very hesitant about letting go of Student Activities because that is what brought me to CBC and that is how I keep a close relationship with all the students.  BUT I do enjoy housing more and hope to develop the housing department here at CBC so this is my avenue to step in to concentrating on that.
So I did that.  Signed my contract.  Took almost $500 a month pay cut.  That has hurt.  I bought ramen noodles and stopped eating out as much.  I even had to withdraw my giving to charities.  But i'm making it and my bills are getting paid.
I went to OMP.  That was great as usual.  I probably should've blogged right after that and I still may do a recall blog.  I'll have to pull my journal out and recap.
I went on several outings with family just because I needed the getaway.
Still talked to Jimmy pretty heavily over the summer.  It has been going no where.  I'm tired of trying with this boy.  He's sweet and a great man of God but he has no motivation to make any kind of change to better himself and has made very little effort to advance our relationship.  So I have stopped talking to him.  A 32 year old man who is living with his mom and has no job with no motivation to get a job or move out is not very attractive to pursue.  I message him on occasion to check on him but I stopped the daily conversation.  It wasn't healthy anyways.
Res life moved in the first weekend in August and it has been crazy ever since.  Training, then MUD week, the school started, then grad school started.  It has definitely slowed down since then but it's still crazy.
Just one day after another.  I hope to get myself back into blogging because I sure do feel better when I write out my problems and worries and struggles and victories.
Hopefully you will see something from me again soon.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Journey Within

The journey of within is a journey no one but you and God ever get to see.  
However, God gives us a new morning for a new beginning, a new struggle, a new endeavor, but with the Lord by our side we can overcome any challenges and turn obstacles into stepping stones.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Sleepless night

I'm thankful for all the people in my life. They remind me how good life is and how worse it could be.  They understand...mostly. I'm so thankful for what I do have even though many days it feels like nothing.

Lots on my mind lately.  This is night two of sleepless nights.
Watched two movies tonight that had a lot of tragedy in them. Lots of people losing loved ones. Ive lost a lot of love ones buy it makes me think mostly of my Granny!
Oh I ache that I miss her so much. And it's been 14 years since she went home to heaven.  It still hurts like yesterday. I watched her battle a long hard fight with cancer. In the end she was never afraid of death. I'm thankful she is no longer in pain and she is home safe with Papa.

I just finished watching a movie and at the end credits from a song I've never heard before it says this:

Stay strong, my little girl
Look up to heaven, they tell you it's alright
That everything's alright

Just lay down, little girl
Eyes up to heaven, they tell you it's alright
Everything's alright

Just a little message from heaven telling me to relax because its ok.
It's funny how God chooses to speak to us sometimes.
I can't wait to one day be in heaven worshiping my Lord and Savior at His feet alongside my sweet Granny.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

shake me!

Literally some days I need someone to shake me and tell me
You is kind, you is smart, you is important... And that they love me.

Those simple words make a big difference when having a bad day...or week!