Life has been a lot of ups and downs as usual since I last posted. Grad school, work, and the little social life I have generally tends to be a big mess though for the most part. God really is working hard on me to rely fully on Him. It is a struggle daily though. Some days I seriously think I need to get professional help because of how down and antisocial I have become. Most people on the outside see a happy person but then the hermit mode kicks in after I get off work and on the weekends. I have literally gone a whole weekend without speaking at all. The devil has really been convincing me of my unworthiness. He has been really pushing in my brain that people don't care about me and that I am easily forgotten. He's pretty good at it too because as I have withdrawn from those around me...they have been withdrawing from interactions with me as well. Literally just trying hard to keep my focus on God.
I know God is with me and for me and will never forsake me and never leave me alone. That is where my comfort is and that is where my strength is. I may not have tremendous super close relationships with anyone and I may be a horrible friend sometimes and that is why people withdraw from me but I have a friend in Jesus. He is enough! He is my portion forever!
I'm not saying that I have no friends because that is not true. I have tons of friends! Tons of people who care even if they don't show it much or call or ever visit, they are still friends. I'll take what I can get. Also, It is only by the Grace of God that through these friendships is it even possible for me to travel to Nicaragua this year. Through their prayers and their financial support, I get to go. That makes them pretty good friends, i'd say!
Despite my struggles with myself God has also definitely been throwing out the D word a lot lately. Discipleship that is. :) Basically He is saying Love your neighbors. So yes, I can lean on God all day long alone but unless I love on others and give them that message of hope that they too can lean on God even in the hard times then what good is it. So I am working on being way more intentional about loving others. I'm not saying i'm out there every day seeking someone new to love but I am trying to love more. Withdrawing from my surrounding will get me nowhere and I know that. Even in the nowhere where I can focus on God, He wants me to let Him lead me to higher grounds.
So this is me....all over the place as usual...just trying to keep my focus on God and not the words of the devil and trying to follow the path God has for me.
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