God blessed me with the ability to love others easily. Sometimes it is a good thing...sometimes a hurtful thing. Unfortunately my ability to FEEL love myself is where the devil strikes hardest because he knows it's so important to me and my relationship with God and His people.
I read in the book The Vow....after a tragic accident this girl is in a coma. As she is in a wake stage of the coma, her husband tells her he loves her and she immediately responds back "I love you". This girl has been in a coma for days and hasn't spoken, does not know what is going on, and is not alert...yet she spoke those words. The doctors told him that it was her brain's natural reaction and she did not know what or even that she said that and it was not a sign of recovery but a simple sign that the brain is still working and responding.
I believe that sometimes out of an act of kindness or maybe just a simple natural reaction of the brain we say these things every day. I hear the words and give the words mostly every day myself...words of love. They come so easy and sometimes make people feel better so why wouldn't people especially people of God say them often. This makes an act of kindness, a natural reaction of the brain, and/or a real statement of love hard to distinguish though.
It only makes sense that the devil has been on full attack mode since I am seeking more boldly to have an even closer relationship with Christ. It only makes sense for the devil to attack my heart and try to convince me that I am unlovable...incapable of true love...He's pretty good at convincing. Mainly because I know a lot of people and a lot of people tell me they love me. It's not my place to judge whether that is a true statement or act of kindness or a natural reaction to my love for them. But...it makes it a more convincing argument when people who supposedly love you never show interest in wanting to be with you for more than a few moments and if I didn't initiate conversation or love first... days and even weeks would go by and I'm just not sure if anyone would miss that i was gone. It's a believable argument bc it's true. Sure they would miss me at work...bc the work wouldn't be getting done...but that would last a day or two and they would just find someone else to do it...anyone could do it. They might miss me at Jazzercise bc I wouldn't be there to class manage but Judy would be there and she would just think i was working....anyone can enter names into a computer. They wouldn't miss me at church...i'm just one person in a big crowd there...one person that sits on the back row. I don't have any friends that call...I don't have any friends that text.....if i receive a call or text it is because someone needs something...they don't necessarily need me...they just need help with something and they know i will help no matter who or what it is. I was really aware of this when I was sick a week ago. No one was in the dorm...i got a few text messages but...if would have passed out (which I felt I was very near this at many occasions) or become unconscious, I probably would've gone days before someone realized i was unconscious. It just became a scary thought.
It's funny that my love language is quality time...it's what i feel that i have the least of right now....that's why it's easy for the devil to convince me that i'm unlovable bc no one shows an interest in wanting to be with me.
The devil chose to first hit me hard with this on Good Friday. It's funny that it proves that God already won this battle. It's funny that no matter how much the devil yells this crap in my ears...God is still going to be right beside me never leaving me...always desiring to spend more time with Me. Me?!
Jesus led a wonderfully amazing life to be brutally beaten, thrashed, skin ripped from his flesh, kicked, ridiculed, spit upon, humiliated...even when he carried his own cross they whipped him and continued to yell and torture him yet he kept going...when he would stumble and fall they would beat him more...yet he got up and went on. When he could barely hold his head up...with a little help he got up and continued on...still being beat on and yelled at. When he fell flat on his face after making it to Calvary...they yelled at him...kicked him...taunted him...told him how lousy he was...yet He got up and did what they asked of Him...only to be nailed to the cross and hung to die. He didn't curse back at them...but He prayed for them! He did this so that we can be saved from our sin. He did this as a sacrifice for us...as a symbol for His absolute love for us. He did this for you! He did this for me! Now that's love! That's a love that will forever be with me. That's a true love that the devil will never be able to convince me is not real.
The devil can bring tears to my eyes and sorrow in my heart because I'm a failure at earthly relationships but he will never get my full heart. He doesn't win...God does! It's only through God's word and the Holy Spirit that I feel comfort that He is with me holding me when I hurt and loving me the way I need to be loved. He is there also reminding me that through Him I find comfort and that I should never seek love through the world for it is only through Jesus that true love is found. If earthly relationships don't have a Christ center then they will most likely cause heartache and pain.
That's why when I start to feel the overwhelming loneliness and hurt of my heart...when it is evident that even those that voice their love don't really want to love...I reach to Him more. I realize that hurt is most likely caused by the devils words. Love is love...regardless. I'll take whatever bc I know I've got God and that's enough and anything more than that is bonus...a blessing.
*Disclaimer* - I'm not saying that everyone in my life is doing the wrong things because they aren't. I'm not trying to encourage others to change to make me feel better. I am not trying to and don't want to force guilt on anyone! I hope this does not give this message. I'm just simply stating the facts of my life. I'm just trying to make myself aware by releasing emotion and facts...by forcing myself to face truth and to reiterate to myself that no matter what awesome or crappy hand I'm dealt with that God gives me each day for a reason and it starts and ends with Him and that alone is a blessing!
