Strategist

Definition: Strategist - an expert in strategy or planning

The way life has been going lately can only have been put together by a strategist...and that person is definitely not me.
God is pretty amazing how all the crazy things going on right now that among that and through that He is giving me peace and blessings that I just cannot explain.  At a very busy part of life, He led me to this Women on a Mission bible study and not only made it possible but twisted things around in my schedule to make it happen.  Wow!  At the time when my schedule was beginning to be twisted around, I did not understand.  I was actually angry.  Little did I know that I needed that change to take place to make room for this bible study.  God's hand was truly in that.  He is definitely present each week when I do the homework and attend the meeting.  Each week we are encouraged to dig deeper to find out more about ourselves, why God strategically placed some things in our lives, and where He is leading us through that.  I'm now so aware of my past, present, and all that God has done through it all....and it makes it so much easier to be open to the future He has for me not the one the world is pushing me to have.  My plan is unique...as is yours.  How great a strategist is God that the millions and millions of people in this world that He has a unique plan, path, journey for every single one of our lives and He takes time to love us to our core and bless us beyond comprehension.

On top of a busy lifestyle, a wonderful bible study, and God revealing Himself through and despite that, God was tugging at my heart to look more into baptism.  See I have never been baptized even saved as an eight year old...it just didn't happen.  Even becoming involved with a church when I was in senior high...it didn't happen.  Even five years ago when I rededicated my life to living for Him...it didn't cross my mind.  It was just recently that it really started to stir in my heart.  So I started to read in my bible and a lot online about it.  Articles and articles arguing whether it is part of truly being saved or not. Arguing the fact that God calls us to be baptized or that the Spirit washes over us when we accept Christ in our life symbolizing a Spirit baptism. I searched and searched the bible...Truthfully I was seeking a loop hole.  I was trying to avoid it if at all possible.  I didn't really care for the idea of getting on a stage in front of a room full of people and being dunked in water...have you ever seen a wet cat... hideous!  Well that's how I picture myself looking after this process.  But scripture kept on showing itself to prove that God calls us to make that declaration of faith publicly.  Then I kept hearing these proclamations that we are to be bold in our faith and should step out to lead a life for Him....It's not about us...It's not about me...It's about Him and that relationship!
The stirring only got stronger...and I knew what God was wanting me to do.  I sent an email to the pastor of my church asking some questions and telling him my concerns.  We even scheduled a chat session together to talk about this.  Before I even walked in the door I already knew that God was calling me to be baptized but I still wanted some questions and concerns answered.  My pastor, Ken, and I don't really know each other that well so I filled him in on me and some of my story and how I had ended up in his office at that very moment.  He confirmed that scripture even though it is sometimes confusing specifically states that God asks us to make the declaration of baptism to represent our lives changed through Him and by Him.  He confirmed that No...you don't have to be baptized to be saved and that many different people falsely interpret that from scripture.
As someone who has and is continually trying hard to change my life to be more like Christ and less like the world, I want nothing more than to be as obedient as I possibly can to Him and His word.  So I made sure that Ken knew that I was thankful for his knowledge and confirmations in what I believed deep down I already knew.  I told him that I wanted to be obedient to what ever God is calling me to do and that I knew He had placed this in my heart because it is important to Him.  I told Ken that I indeed wanted to be baptized.  We talked about a few other things and he placed an idea in my head to include some special people that have been a blessing in my walk with the Lord.  I totally agreed so he sent me on my way to confront those people to see if it would be something they would like to be a part of before we set any dates.
When I met with Paige and Alicia, I guess I expected there to be some hesitation.  I guess I was preparing myself for them to say no.  I didn't want them to feel like they were being pressured into something.  I didn't want to coax them into pleasing me...I really just wanted them to be there even if they were just in the audience.  It was so funny because they didn't even hesitate for a moment.  They were flattered and became just as excited as I was.  I can't explain how blessed I am to have these girls in my life and to have them be a part of something that I have been so hesitant about doing for a long time was even more of a blessing.  God sure has used them to help make me become stronger and more bold.  I still see His light shinning right through them every time I'm around them.

Well...today was the day!  The day I got baptized.

It is funny that it ended up that I would have a week of relaxation away from every day life before this event.  That strategist knew He wanted it this way.  He was working on me every day throughout the week...through the wind..the sound of the waves...through a book that clearly declared that we can all be loved no matter how unlovable we make ourselves feel.  God loves us and through Him is the greatest relationship we will ever have.  Being bold and going outside of our comfort zone is exactly what He wants.  The silence and lack of stress in my life made it such a perfect time for Him to speak and for there to be no distractions for me to listen.  And I did!
I just love people and relationships.  God knows that and uses it but I also use it to get in the way sometimes.  I abuse it.  I often make myself feel unlovable when I'm not helping someone...when I'm not constantly surrounded by people.  Even though I really have known this for a long time, God really reiterated to me this week that I have to make sure that I make some alone time (like what I was currently doing) with Him.  He knows that I don't like to be alone.  He proved that I'm never really alone and that it could be fun and really enjoyable just being with Him.  I even went on a hiking trip by myself after we returned back to Arkansas.  It was an awesome day!  An awesome day that I spent with Him.

It was hard to go to sleep last night because of the excitement the morning would bring.  I even woke up before my alarm sounded...even after staying up late the night before. (I like sleep so that is a big deal)  I went to the early service to assure that I got to catch the whole message because I knew I might miss some of the second service getting changed after being baptized and what not.  The service was awesome!  The music was awesome!  God was sure doing some talking....then the last song of the service before my baptism of course it was...Never once. The song proclaims that never once did we ever walk alone, never once did He leave us on our own.  Carried by His constant grace held within His perfect peace we never walk alone.  I guess He just wanted to make it even more clear that I'm not alone...not only has he strategically placed people in my life but that He is always right there whispering sweet things in my ears.  Tears were so near because many years I spent feeling so very much alone.  I am so thankful that He is with me...He always was but I just didn't acknowledge him before.  I'm glad that He is guiding me closer to Him and helping me fight off that loud obnoxious voice of the devil.
I changed clothes and then within minutes Ken approached to give me the run down of how the service would go.  He told me that He was going to try it a little different this time.  Something not traditional.  He said that he wanted to do the baptism during a song as the body sang and as the band played.  He said that he would introduce me and describe to the body what was going to happen then I would go up and be baptized as the body worshiped...the baptism was my worship.  (Only God could have used music that I so clearly relate most to Him through and Ken didn't know of this information about me - oh that strategist God and His unique plans).  I think the song they played was Christ is Risen...but to be honest I didn't hear it at all.  I was focused on the task.  I got up there and the stage didn't seem like a stage...and I didn't feel the presence of the audience.  I heard music but I wasn't listening to the words...I saw the sweet faces of my wonderful friends there beside me and Ken as he spoke some sweet words and baptized me in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit.  We prayed...then it was over.  I felt an immediate sense of relief...a sense of weight cast off my shoulders.  Alicia cryed...Paige jumped up and down and cheered with excitement.  I was simply content and calm with relief not that it was over but that the representation of washing away the sin made it feel so much more real...that whatever I was holding on to...I released it to Him.  An unexplainable feeling that just soothed my soul.  I was so thankful that Paige and Alicia got to share that experience with me!  Their emotions of joy and excitement were exactly how I felt inside but the only thing that was coming out was a calmness that I still can't even explain....oh and of course a grin that wouldn't go away.  Even though the devil really tried hard to steal my joy after church was over...it didn't happen.  God knew the devil was going to try though and God knew that even through my newly gained strength that I was going to need some extra help...and He had some amazing people around me at the right time.  It was no accident.  And that grin that God gave me...it's still there. :)  Ain't nobody stealing my joy!

Sometimes that strategist God does things we can't explain...sometimes He rocks our world to the core...sometimes He puts people in our lives because they need to be there for specific reasons...sometimes everything changes just so that our world turns to point directly to Him.  Sometimes He pushes us to do things we don't want to do...He pushes us to be bold and courageous. All we have to do is show up!  He really did all the work today....It wasn't about me...it was about Him!  It wasn't my day...it was His!  I am just so grateful that He called me to be a part of it.

Just remember...even in the hard times and even when you're angry at how something is going...stop and think...maybe this is the strategist God altering life so that you may glorify Him better!

New Year

It's a new year.  Each year brings new things.  It's a time for starting something new or just trying to refresh/restart the old normal things by spicing them up and trying different approaches on things.  Many people make new years resolutions.  I used to do that.  I still kinda do I guess.  I've never been good at keeping them though.  I never make a big deal about it probably because I know that I'm not likely to keep them.  I always say that I'll try to diet or loose weight or give up sodas or something along those lines.  It usually lasts about a month then I give up and all goes out the window.  They are always things that I know I need to do but I don't always have the want or excitement about doing them so it doesn't last.
This year I figure I can still attempt changing my eating habits but the real resolution/commitment I have made for 2012 is that I started January 1st is Read through the Bible in a year.  I am using my bible app on my phone which is super handy and has the plan laid out for me for every day of the year.  It even has an audio version that is awesome if i want to listen in the car or something.
I've never read through the entire Bible before so I am excited to accomplish this task.  I'm excited to see what God shows me through His word.  I'm excited to be spending 2012 learning more about Him!  I'm excited!  Did I mention that I'm excited? :)
I pray that God uses this experience to bring me even closer to Him and that through that He uses me to further His kingdom.
Please keep me in your prayers as I go on this journey. :)

Path

Well, I haven't blogged in a long time...since August actually.  The semester is over now.  I'm so glad it is too and I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. 

This has probably been the worst and most stressful semester of my four years here.  The students aren't extra bad...none of that.  Just many things have gone wrong, many things have taken place that hurt my heart personally, and the devil is pushing in and attacking in all areas of my life causing me to fail easier in other areas that I usually have no problem.  It has not only affected me but people around me.  I hate that my issues and personal struggles are affecting others.

Lately I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe I need to make some changes in my life because if life continues the way it has gone this semester then I may indeed go crazy and if I'm affecting others I need to change before it gets worse for them.  With this feeling comes uncertainty and confusion and apprehension about the direction of my life and my job.  I know God is with me.  I know whatever or wherever I end up He will still be there with me.  I'm doing a lot of praying right now and could use prayers from anyone who reads this.  

Four years ago I felt God leading me to this campus.  Three years ago I felt God pushing me to take the Resident Director position.  I know God wanted me here and I have thoroughly enjoyed working for Him these past few years.  I never felt like I was working for a business...I felt like I was working for God.  Almost like it would be if I worked at a church I guess.  It has never been about money for me either.  I could care less as long as I have food on the table and the bills are paid.  I haven't cared about moving up the line in titles of the business.  I don't care that I work numerous hours outside of what is required of me and not get paid for that time...I do it voluntarily and will continue to do it because I enjoy putting extra time into these student's lives.  I care about being a part of what God is doing here and through the students and people here and what can be done for His glory.  But lots of things are happening in my life right now and I'm struggling with the questions of Does He still want/need me here or does He want me to move on.  I'm struggling with distinguishing whether the devil is trying to push me away from doing the work I feel so strongly that God led me here to be a part of and to do or if God is giving me reasons to move on from this place or maybe in my sinful human nature I have screwed up what God intended for me to do and His plans are now directing me elsewhere.

Please help me pray for peace and direction.  I don't want to leave but I don't want to be the reason someone is affected in a negative way...I want God's will for me and where he wants/needs me not what is easiest and most convenient for me.  The school is amazing and has been blessed and been a blessing in so many ways...the students that God sends here are amazing too.  Watching them grow and develop into such Godly young adults amazes me every day and I am so glad to be a tiny piece of helping them.  So I don't want to just be running from my troubles.  Our troubles will find us no matter where we end up.  The devil will always attempt to bring us down but God always wins in the end.  With faith, dedication to the word of God, and love we can achieve anything.  I know I probably have a long life ahead of me but I am holding tight to the truth that God has a beautiful and wonderful painless future for me in Heaven and this is just our temporary home.  Praise Jesus!!!  It's times like these that I pray Jesus returns soon though because this world is hard.  Until then...lots of prayers, faith, and trust in God focusing only on Him and that only through him will I be on the right path of life...His path.

an empty cup

Ya know...you think with age and wisdom life would get easier. Well...it doesn't!
I'm not saying that i am this great wise person that deserves a great life. I've seen and gone through enough trials and tribulations to have learned a few things in my 30 years. And I definitely do not deserve anything. Sure...I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have more than what I need. I have a wonderful family that loves me. God blessed me with a job that I love where I get to see great college students develop and grow in Him and into the people He wants them to be. It's wonderful!
Of course it's not all bright and shiny and sparkly good...but God is still using it to help me grow.
Some days I think...God, I can not handle any more! I just need a chance to breathe!
That has been how the past 2 weeks have been...not just one day but weeks. Just one thing piled on top of another and just when one thing gets worked out here comes 3 more things. I feel like I am emptying my cup to lots of people and things and as it begins to get filled back up I'm emptying it before I really get built back up.
Of course the more that is piled on my plate the more I want to control it to make sure it gets done. Well we all know how and where controlling things ourselves usually gets us. No where.
So here I sit...no where...with an empty cup.
Just praying....
God fill me up and continue to use me! I know you have good things that will come out of all of these difficult times. Romans 8:28. I know you have great plans for my life. Plans that are good and not harmful. Jeremiah 29:11. I pray that you just please keep me strong..build me up...I don't want to fail you any more than what I already do. I pray that Your grace continues to overwhelm my brokenness. Thank you Lord for never leaving my side even when many times I push you away.
Thank you!

Attack

Satan knows exactly when to attack. When he isn't attacking he is watching and waiting for the perfect time to strike. He knows me well. He knows my weaknesses and even though I try hard to stay as close to Jesus as I can, I still have my weak moments.
Usually once a month when my hormones are more excessive than usual is the prime time for attack. It's when it is easy for satan to convince me that I'm worthless. Or when I am super stressed dealing with work stuff to the point of major exhaustion...physically and emotionally. Well guess what...that time is now. So the pity party begins...
Right now he is saying...you are leaving no legacy, Sarah! You have ZERO close friends...how can someone with no close friends and no boyfriend be leaving a legacy. You are a failure at relationships!
That is all mostly true so that's why it's hard for me to swallow. So that's what my pity party is about...so I'm praying...
God please use me so that I may leave a legacy for You!...God, can that be done through a person who sucks at relationships? I'm good at loving but not good at relationships. I am quiet and often blend into a crowd almost invisible...how can I be leaving a legacy when i'm invisible sometimes even to my friends?...
I know God has great things in store for me. I know God is, has, and will continue to use me to glorify His name and grow His kingdom. I know He wins and Satan is defeated in the end! I know this life is not about me...it's definetly about Him and His glory through His creation!
Am I being too hard on myself...probably. Do I need to seek Him more and spend more time in the word and praying during these times...Yes.
He is all I need! With Him I am given everything I need to survive. He allows us to have a new day each morning. I am thankful for that even on days when I am feeling attacked and weak and emotions flying everywhere. I am thankful that He reminds me He is there even when it seems no one else is. Satan continues to attack...but as long as we cling to God...God will always win!

Show up

Every year that I go to OMP (Ozark Mission Project) God shouts at me. Not in a bad way but in a humbling moving way. Every year it's something different.

I've always heard and even used the saying "God showed up and showed off!". One of the speakers this week pointed out that God is always here. He is already there and been there and knows the outcome. It is us that has to show up in order for God to use us in a way that shows Him off...It is us that has to be open to His word and His greatness to be moved in and by the Spirit.

This really has been working on me. I have been living my life waiting for moments that God will show up and show off. Sure He does some times...but it's the times that I let myself go and am open to let Him work in and through me that it actually happens. Stupid Sarah....He's right here just waiting on you to actually show up every moment of every day.

This past week our group at OMP did almost 40 projects. I may not have been a driver working directly with the neighbors but I got to see a little piece of several of the projects and neighbors. It was enough to leave a mark on my heart. Mrs Jumper praising God constantly even though she had a huge hole in her roof from a fallen tree. Little Terry who could not even speak but was more concerned about us workers getting enough water than he was about himself basting in the heat of the sun. Another lady thankful to have a place to live after theft, fire, and flood only to praise God that this is only our temporary home. These people even with hardly anything to their name, living in rough conditions, and some with severe illnesses praise God for all that they have.
How many times do I myself cry and weep and whine about my situation in this life when really it's not that bad. It's actually pretty darn good.

God is really working on me to quit being selfish in my wants and desires and to put it all I have, all I want, and all I desire back into glorifying and exalting Him. He continues to use people and things in my life whether it be through a speaker at OMP or a friend just giving wise advise or a book that gives a detailed observation of the trinity or maybe a song or a devotional booklet or whatever it may be. God is there working and each day from here on out I refuse to sit in the shadows and watch as God moves around me. I chose to Show Up and let Him move in me and through me each and every day!

i dont want to go

You changed my world when you came to me. You drove passion in my soul down deep. Lord, to follow You in everything. I don't want to go somewhere if i know that You're not there 'cause I know that me without You is a lie. And I don't want to walk that road and be a million miles from home 'cause my heart needs to be where You are! So I don't want to go. So come whatever I'll stick with You. I'll walk You'll lead me. Call me crazy or a fool for forever I promise You that without Your touch without Your love filling me like an ocean for Your grace is enough. Enough for me to never want to go somewhere if I know that You're not there.
- I don't want to go by Avalon

This song really speaks to me. Because i personally have stopped walking down some roads because I know that He won't be glorified there but rather condemned. Sometimes that means distancing friendships to almost an end.
It's not that I don't care because I do. It's just that I need to stop trying to force my love on people who don't want it. I would give it to them in 10 years if they asked for it even though they have forsaken me. I'd still give it to them. I would!
I'd rather walk closer to Him than go down a path away from Him just to be someone's friend.

I've been reading Radical by David Platt. He encourages us to lead a life pursuing and growing God's kingdom and not to live our lives wanting to fit into the American Dream. The American dream is selfish always wanting more for yourself and to be comfortable. David Platt points out that Jesus' life was not comfortable. He did not have everything. If we are all called to be like Him then why do we so strongly desire all these worldly things.

I know this blog is titled i don't want to go....but the song that it's referring to says "I don't want to go somewhere if you're not there". The more I think about it...we don't go anywhere that He is not already there. He is always with us. Of course steering away from people and things that ask us to leave God behind and pursue sin first is probably smart. However, isn't that what God is asking of us...to take Him to those places...the dangerous places...the lost people...if they do not know Him then they will always be dangerous and lost and He is calling us to ALL nations, tribes and tongues.

As easy as it is to stay at home and to take the easy road of the American dream...what will we get from that? Will God be satisfied that we just bathed in His creation but didn't share it with others? Maybe you are...maybe you don't feel called (like me) to go to the nations. What about just with love? There is always a way to share God's love even if our gift isn't teaching or preaching. How about sharing God's love by simply loving others....down the street....in the next town....in the next state...in another country. Love on others by sharing the gospel...by sharing the American wealth..by simply caring enough to show up when God calls.

I'm not saying God is calling me to sell everything and move to a different country. But He may one day. I'm just making a point that we have to at least care enough for those around us who are less fortunate than us or lost to love them the way that God has called us to. Love on your neighbors!

I don't want to go...without You, Oh Lord!