Path

Well, I haven't blogged in a long time...since August actually.  The semester is over now.  I'm so glad it is too and I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. 

This has probably been the worst and most stressful semester of my four years here.  The students aren't extra bad...none of that.  Just many things have gone wrong, many things have taken place that hurt my heart personally, and the devil is pushing in and attacking in all areas of my life causing me to fail easier in other areas that I usually have no problem.  It has not only affected me but people around me.  I hate that my issues and personal struggles are affecting others.

Lately I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe I need to make some changes in my life because if life continues the way it has gone this semester then I may indeed go crazy and if I'm affecting others I need to change before it gets worse for them.  With this feeling comes uncertainty and confusion and apprehension about the direction of my life and my job.  I know God is with me.  I know whatever or wherever I end up He will still be there with me.  I'm doing a lot of praying right now and could use prayers from anyone who reads this.  

Four years ago I felt God leading me to this campus.  Three years ago I felt God pushing me to take the Resident Director position.  I know God wanted me here and I have thoroughly enjoyed working for Him these past few years.  I never felt like I was working for a business...I felt like I was working for God.  Almost like it would be if I worked at a church I guess.  It has never been about money for me either.  I could care less as long as I have food on the table and the bills are paid.  I haven't cared about moving up the line in titles of the business.  I don't care that I work numerous hours outside of what is required of me and not get paid for that time...I do it voluntarily and will continue to do it because I enjoy putting extra time into these student's lives.  I care about being a part of what God is doing here and through the students and people here and what can be done for His glory.  But lots of things are happening in my life right now and I'm struggling with the questions of Does He still want/need me here or does He want me to move on.  I'm struggling with distinguishing whether the devil is trying to push me away from doing the work I feel so strongly that God led me here to be a part of and to do or if God is giving me reasons to move on from this place or maybe in my sinful human nature I have screwed up what God intended for me to do and His plans are now directing me elsewhere.

Please help me pray for peace and direction.  I don't want to leave but I don't want to be the reason someone is affected in a negative way...I want God's will for me and where he wants/needs me not what is easiest and most convenient for me.  The school is amazing and has been blessed and been a blessing in so many ways...the students that God sends here are amazing too.  Watching them grow and develop into such Godly young adults amazes me every day and I am so glad to be a tiny piece of helping them.  So I don't want to just be running from my troubles.  Our troubles will find us no matter where we end up.  The devil will always attempt to bring us down but God always wins in the end.  With faith, dedication to the word of God, and love we can achieve anything.  I know I probably have a long life ahead of me but I am holding tight to the truth that God has a beautiful and wonderful painless future for me in Heaven and this is just our temporary home.  Praise Jesus!!!  It's times like these that I pray Jesus returns soon though because this world is hard.  Until then...lots of prayers, faith, and trust in God focusing only on Him and that only through him will I be on the right path of life...His path.

an empty cup

Ya know...you think with age and wisdom life would get easier. Well...it doesn't!
I'm not saying that i am this great wise person that deserves a great life. I've seen and gone through enough trials and tribulations to have learned a few things in my 30 years. And I definitely do not deserve anything. Sure...I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have more than what I need. I have a wonderful family that loves me. God blessed me with a job that I love where I get to see great college students develop and grow in Him and into the people He wants them to be. It's wonderful!
Of course it's not all bright and shiny and sparkly good...but God is still using it to help me grow.
Some days I think...God, I can not handle any more! I just need a chance to breathe!
That has been how the past 2 weeks have been...not just one day but weeks. Just one thing piled on top of another and just when one thing gets worked out here comes 3 more things. I feel like I am emptying my cup to lots of people and things and as it begins to get filled back up I'm emptying it before I really get built back up.
Of course the more that is piled on my plate the more I want to control it to make sure it gets done. Well we all know how and where controlling things ourselves usually gets us. No where.
So here I sit...no where...with an empty cup.
Just praying....
God fill me up and continue to use me! I know you have good things that will come out of all of these difficult times. Romans 8:28. I know you have great plans for my life. Plans that are good and not harmful. Jeremiah 29:11. I pray that you just please keep me strong..build me up...I don't want to fail you any more than what I already do. I pray that Your grace continues to overwhelm my brokenness. Thank you Lord for never leaving my side even when many times I push you away.
Thank you!

Attack

Satan knows exactly when to attack. When he isn't attacking he is watching and waiting for the perfect time to strike. He knows me well. He knows my weaknesses and even though I try hard to stay as close to Jesus as I can, I still have my weak moments.
Usually once a month when my hormones are more excessive than usual is the prime time for attack. It's when it is easy for satan to convince me that I'm worthless. Or when I am super stressed dealing with work stuff to the point of major exhaustion...physically and emotionally. Well guess what...that time is now. So the pity party begins...
Right now he is saying...you are leaving no legacy, Sarah! You have ZERO close friends...how can someone with no close friends and no boyfriend be leaving a legacy. You are a failure at relationships!
That is all mostly true so that's why it's hard for me to swallow. So that's what my pity party is about...so I'm praying...
God please use me so that I may leave a legacy for You!...God, can that be done through a person who sucks at relationships? I'm good at loving but not good at relationships. I am quiet and often blend into a crowd almost invisible...how can I be leaving a legacy when i'm invisible sometimes even to my friends?...
I know God has great things in store for me. I know God is, has, and will continue to use me to glorify His name and grow His kingdom. I know He wins and Satan is defeated in the end! I know this life is not about me...it's definetly about Him and His glory through His creation!
Am I being too hard on myself...probably. Do I need to seek Him more and spend more time in the word and praying during these times...Yes.
He is all I need! With Him I am given everything I need to survive. He allows us to have a new day each morning. I am thankful for that even on days when I am feeling attacked and weak and emotions flying everywhere. I am thankful that He reminds me He is there even when it seems no one else is. Satan continues to attack...but as long as we cling to God...God will always win!

Show up

Every year that I go to OMP (Ozark Mission Project) God shouts at me. Not in a bad way but in a humbling moving way. Every year it's something different.

I've always heard and even used the saying "God showed up and showed off!". One of the speakers this week pointed out that God is always here. He is already there and been there and knows the outcome. It is us that has to show up in order for God to use us in a way that shows Him off...It is us that has to be open to His word and His greatness to be moved in and by the Spirit.

This really has been working on me. I have been living my life waiting for moments that God will show up and show off. Sure He does some times...but it's the times that I let myself go and am open to let Him work in and through me that it actually happens. Stupid Sarah....He's right here just waiting on you to actually show up every moment of every day.

This past week our group at OMP did almost 40 projects. I may not have been a driver working directly with the neighbors but I got to see a little piece of several of the projects and neighbors. It was enough to leave a mark on my heart. Mrs Jumper praising God constantly even though she had a huge hole in her roof from a fallen tree. Little Terry who could not even speak but was more concerned about us workers getting enough water than he was about himself basting in the heat of the sun. Another lady thankful to have a place to live after theft, fire, and flood only to praise God that this is only our temporary home. These people even with hardly anything to their name, living in rough conditions, and some with severe illnesses praise God for all that they have.
How many times do I myself cry and weep and whine about my situation in this life when really it's not that bad. It's actually pretty darn good.

God is really working on me to quit being selfish in my wants and desires and to put it all I have, all I want, and all I desire back into glorifying and exalting Him. He continues to use people and things in my life whether it be through a speaker at OMP or a friend just giving wise advise or a book that gives a detailed observation of the trinity or maybe a song or a devotional booklet or whatever it may be. God is there working and each day from here on out I refuse to sit in the shadows and watch as God moves around me. I chose to Show Up and let Him move in me and through me each and every day!

i dont want to go

You changed my world when you came to me. You drove passion in my soul down deep. Lord, to follow You in everything. I don't want to go somewhere if i know that You're not there 'cause I know that me without You is a lie. And I don't want to walk that road and be a million miles from home 'cause my heart needs to be where You are! So I don't want to go. So come whatever I'll stick with You. I'll walk You'll lead me. Call me crazy or a fool for forever I promise You that without Your touch without Your love filling me like an ocean for Your grace is enough. Enough for me to never want to go somewhere if I know that You're not there.
- I don't want to go by Avalon

This song really speaks to me. Because i personally have stopped walking down some roads because I know that He won't be glorified there but rather condemned. Sometimes that means distancing friendships to almost an end.
It's not that I don't care because I do. It's just that I need to stop trying to force my love on people who don't want it. I would give it to them in 10 years if they asked for it even though they have forsaken me. I'd still give it to them. I would!
I'd rather walk closer to Him than go down a path away from Him just to be someone's friend.

I've been reading Radical by David Platt. He encourages us to lead a life pursuing and growing God's kingdom and not to live our lives wanting to fit into the American Dream. The American dream is selfish always wanting more for yourself and to be comfortable. David Platt points out that Jesus' life was not comfortable. He did not have everything. If we are all called to be like Him then why do we so strongly desire all these worldly things.

I know this blog is titled i don't want to go....but the song that it's referring to says "I don't want to go somewhere if you're not there". The more I think about it...we don't go anywhere that He is not already there. He is always with us. Of course steering away from people and things that ask us to leave God behind and pursue sin first is probably smart. However, isn't that what God is asking of us...to take Him to those places...the dangerous places...the lost people...if they do not know Him then they will always be dangerous and lost and He is calling us to ALL nations, tribes and tongues.

As easy as it is to stay at home and to take the easy road of the American dream...what will we get from that? Will God be satisfied that we just bathed in His creation but didn't share it with others? Maybe you are...maybe you don't feel called (like me) to go to the nations. What about just with love? There is always a way to share God's love even if our gift isn't teaching or preaching. How about sharing God's love by simply loving others....down the street....in the next town....in the next state...in another country. Love on others by sharing the gospel...by sharing the American wealth..by simply caring enough to show up when God calls.

I'm not saying God is calling me to sell everything and move to a different country. But He may one day. I'm just making a point that we have to at least care enough for those around us who are less fortunate than us or lost to love them the way that God has called us to. Love on your neighbors!

I don't want to go...without You, Oh Lord!

imprint on my heart

I haven't blogged in FOREVER! Sorry. It's not that I haven't felt lead to..it's just that when I get time to I've been way too exhausted. Plus we had some major internet issues in the dorm. I still don't get internet in my bedroom and that's where I normally no my best blogging. ;)
Anywho, it has been a great semester regardless of internet issues. Challenging but great!

Every year I'm here at CBC I meet some amazing people. Amazing people that I hope to have in my life for a long time preferably forever!
Even though I knew for a while that the group of newcomers this year was a good one, it wasn't until toward mid-spring semester that I realized that sure enough it's another really amazing group! The semester was a lot of fun but there were also many days that simply put an imprint on my heart.

I know I'm suppose to be here to mentor these kids and help them grow and make them feel at home. I love this job! Every year it's the students that force me to continue to grow...even though they may not even know it. I'm still growing just like they are but some of them are simply amazing. I can see God flowing inside and out of them.

God uses us in ways that we don't understand sometimes. He definitely keeps pushing me to step outside of my little comfort zone almost as soon as I get settled into it...Constantly He keeps doing this. :) Not only was I blessed with great students who I look up to in their walk with God but this semester He called me to disciple one of them. Me?...really? Ok?!. (It's hard to say No to God). Well... I'm pretty sure I failed. But I bought her a good book if that counts for anything. We ran out of semester and she isn't coming back to school here. So I'm a failure at discipleship because I use the world to fill my time leaving no time for such things. AWFUL!!! I hope He gives me another chance.

He also has forced me to cut ties that I wasn't really ready to cut. I know it is for the best. It's still hard sometimes. He has greater things in store and more great people for me to meet.

I have a lot of emotions about this semester from the sadness of possibly not ever seeing some of these students again, the gladness that all their drama is not in my life and in my dorm for the summer, and the emotion of not really having much of a life outside of this place.

I'm really looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me this summer. I don't really have much planned but with a willing servant heart who knows what will happen. :)

God knows!

Beth Moore said In His sovereign wisdom, God requires His children to exercise the will and action to deliberately take what He graciously gives. - He often lays out gifts but He wants us to push ourselves through the fear of ourselves..through the fear of failing...He will make sure that we get the gifts but we have to reach for it..we sometimes have to crawl through the fear and pain to get to it.
God is developing muscle in us to hang on, to defend what He gives us. He gives but we have to go get it. Take what we've been given. The enemy often plays "Chicken" with us. Hold straight. Trust the path. Do not look left or right. Stay straight and trust.

I typed this up several weeks ago in the midst of doing "The Inheritance" Beth Moore bible study. It obviously means a lot. Beth Moore is amazing. I read this again today and I laughed. Oh God...He is a funny guy! What Beth Moore shared with me a few months ago means so much now.
God not only gives us gifts and asks us to get off our lazy butts and go get them. But He does it again and again. It's funny after you crawl through a period of life and then stand with bloody elbows and dirt on your face...it's pretty great to realize that God got me through that!!...I'm too reserved, uneducated, and self conscious to have done that just by myself bc just by myself I wouldn't have done a thing. It was all Him.

Everyone has ups and downs...yes some of those ups are amazing for some people and for some it's just good times of wonderful contentment and yes some of those downs are harder on some people than others to an extent we may not understand.
"The will of God will never take you to where the grace of God will not protect you" is a quote I always reflect on. God rescues and protects me(us) from all harm. Psalm 91:9,10 If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling.
So no matter what crap we go through or what happiest of happy moments we get. God is the only thing that never changes. So even when we are searching for who we really are and who we are suppose to be in this world. God knows! We may think we do and sometimes we get real comfortable and confident about our path...sometimes when things are good and our heads get too big to get in the door...He throws in a kink to the plan...makes this life hard again. Well guess what...life is hard! It's going to be hard! Like Beth said...We have to exercise our faith. Keep building that muscle. Deflate that swollen head and come back to reality...it hurts a little less when we get slapped in the face if we have a God formed strong willed head on our shoulders.
We can't control what God or the world throws us. Sure we can hide from it. I do that sometimes. But even hiding doesn't change anything. God is still giving us gifts that we need to step up and take responsibility for. And the world always seeps into the cracks and finds us too. God placed us here to be a part of this place. There is a reason we are here now. Sometimes in the world the bad stands out and pull at us more than the good...but we got to stay strong, got to stay on that path, we can't look left or right and dwell on the bad, we have to stay straight on that path God lays for us each day!
1 Corinthians 2:9-10 says No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him...but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.

I say all this because I question my own path often. I'm not criticizing you for your life or your choices. I'm talking to myself mostly and maybe it will help you too.
But I get unsure because I still feel so new and I'm not this super Christian who breathes out scriptures (i have to research and look stuff up and then the next day I may have to look it up again) and I'm not real outspoken and still working on be comfortable with praying aloud. Yet God placed me in a situation that I have to speak up. That I have to help others in ways that I don't really know how. God has me here for a reason...His reasons not my own. Sometimes I see it...sometimes it takes a good friend to tell me what I can't see. But I'm on the path! I'm building muscle and holding tight. It's pretty scary at times! But He is working through me...ME. I don't feel like I deserve to be used to help others when I still have so much to work on myself...but it's not my choice. He knows what we are capable of. He gives those gifts and if we step up and take it He will use us when and where He needs us. He will reveal it to us by his Spirit!

Sorry if this is a little jumbled and confusing at times...I'm not a writer. I'm just a girl sharing a journey.