FEEL

In day to day things, I don't ask for help even though I usually need it every day!

I know I am loved by many...but I fight a battle to convince myself this every day because I so often don't feel loved.

I know Jesus was sent here with me in mind to die for ME...I know this...That is true unconditional love!  Yet, even though my brain and my heart know and understand this unconditional love and even though I know beyond a doubt that I am far more blessed than many and far more blessed than I deserve....I still fight with myself every day because I desire to FEEL love.
So every day I pray.  Every day I ask God to give me strength.  Every day I ask Him for help.  Every day I rely on my faith to keep me sane.  Some days I end up in tears on my knees begging for comfort begging for relief begging for love begging to have closer relationships with those around me.
I believe in the love my wonderful Savior has for me and am comforted by his word in Psalm 37:4 that says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  I pray this every day.  I seek Him and trust in Him and His plan for me.  What that is and the timing of how everything will come about is only from Him.  The human nature in me struggles with being patient.  So I just pray and seek Him more for help.
If you are out there struggling with God's timing in your life, you are not alone.  

Be still

Another OMP has come and gone.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  Every year at OMP, I allow myself to be open to what God is saying and I am more open to actually hear Him.  I don't have cell service at the camp, the camp surroundings are very beautiful, and the christian environment and purpose we are all there shines through every person.  I can't imagine going to an OMP and not seeing God all in and through it.

I was excited about camp ahead of time but I don't think I ever prepared my heart for it.  I went into it with excitement knowing what was required of me job wise and looking forward to meeting and hanging out with all these amazing campers and staffers.  I did have a great time and got to meet some awesome people and got to hang out with some campers and staffers that I've been at camp with before.  I also got to spend a little time with some awesome ladies who I love so dearly...the cooks.  :)

It was a great week!  However, I feel like each day flew by and I didn't get to do and go and serve in all the entities that I have in past years.  I'm just not sure where the time went.  I did get to visit with a few neighbors though and I did get to haul lumber, use a hammer, a paint brush, and got dirty so it wasn't a week wasted.

However, I should've prepared my heart more...I didn't expect my heart to be broken and to ache so much for some of the people we were serving.  I didn't prepare myself to have to fight tears back as one of the campers explained to our group at sharing time that the little boy at their house didn't know who Jesus was.  I didn't expect songs that I have heard a thousand times to knock me off my feet into prayer. 

I'm not sure that I have ever prayed as much as I did during that week of OMP.  I often found myself on the dock at the lake praying, worshiping with prayer, starring at the canopy of trees outside with the sun peaking through...praying, in a car full of people...I was praying.  I just was full of thankfulness and mainly found myself constantly thanking Him for all the people and things around me.

OMP's theme this year was Call Out and the theme verse was Psalm 88:1-2 "Lord, you are the God who saves me; day and night I cry out to you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry."
I could tell my heart was crying very loudly to God and it wasn't something I prepared and planned to do.  He was crying out to me through all these people and things as well.


I've been struggling lately really my whole life with feeling love.  I'm just one of the worker bees that blends in with the crowd.  I don't stand out with my looks or my actions.  I blend in.  In a world where it is cool, encouraged, and praised to be one who stands out and are extreme.  I find it harder to see my importance in everything I participate in because I don't stand out.  Even though I notice this I still don't desire to change to assure that I get noticed.  I know God made me the way He made me for a reason and I don't want to be anyone but me and I refuse to change myself for anyone but Him.  Months ago He called me to step out in faith for Him so I got baptized.  That was an amazing experience!  I may be the only one that remembers that day and that's ok.  It was for Him.  After that experience, I'm not sure why in the back of my mind I expected life to get easier.  In fact it quickly became harder and is still hard.  Being the stubborn person I am...I refuse to ask for help.  The encouraging people in my life are busy and I don't get to see them as much as I feel their need in my life.  God has pushed me and continues to tell me through scripture and did through OMP that He is all I need.  He has been there since my first disappointment...since my first pain...since my first tear.  His word is the encouragement that I need.  Sure friends and fellow believers who build each other up are a blessing but not a necessity for difficult times or any time for that matter.


I wish I could remember the names of the songs that sent tears rolling down my face at OMP.  I have racked my brain but it isn't coming to mind.  I can't even remember the exact words of the lyrics.  It basically pretty much said or whatever it said spoke directly to my heart saying I AM here.  I got you.  Everything is going to be ok.  There is nothing wrong with you because I made you.  Yes you are a sinner but bring it to me and let me have it.  Quit holding the burdens of your sin after you confess them.  Let go.  I have been with you this whole time even when it seemed as if everyone left.  I AM here for you. I am yours and you are Mine.  Call out to Me for help.  I will always be right here.


As you can tell, I'm still a work in progress and I don't want anyone to ever think that just because I work at CBC, step out and get baptized as an adult, work at mission project camps, and crave to serve anyone and everyone I can that I have it all together.  I don't!  Quite far from that actually.  I do crave to grow and be better though because many days of my life I do feel like He is all I have...but He is all I need so I want to strive to be closer to Him. 


OMP this year didn't necessarily teach me any specific thing that wasn't already stirring in my heart.  The speakers were wonderful and encouraging and challenging though and I will forever carry their words with me through daily life.  The staff were great and our meetings and prayer sessions were such an amazing blessing.  The simple time spent and conversation with my sweet friends (the wonderful cooks) were so comforting.  I feel so relaxed and at home with them even when they are full of energy and silliness.  I love them so much and I can't even describe why.  God just put them in my path and I love them more every single day like they were my family.

I may not have come out of the week with an amazing new insight and mission but it sure was a wonderful time for me to be still and just be me.  To actually hear Him and to actually listen.  To be with Him and His people.  I'm so thankful for my amazing heavenly Father, His amazing people, and His grace filled days that He blesses us with.

Love...

God blessed me with the ability to love others easily.  Sometimes it is a good thing...sometimes a hurtful thing.  Unfortunately my ability to FEEL love myself is where the devil strikes hardest because he knows it's so important to me and my relationship with God and His people.
I read in the book The Vow....after a tragic accident this girl is in a coma. As she is in a wake stage of the coma, her husband tells her he loves her and she immediately responds back "I love you".  This girl has been in a coma for days and hasn't spoken, does not know what is going on, and is not alert...yet she spoke those words.  The doctors told him that it was her brain's natural reaction and she did not know what or even that she said that and it was not a sign of recovery but a simple sign that the brain is still working and responding.
I believe that sometimes out of an act of kindness or maybe just a simple natural reaction of the brain we say these things every day.  I hear the words and give the words mostly every day myself...words of love. They come so easy and sometimes make people feel better so why wouldn't people especially people of God say them often.  This makes an act of kindness, a natural reaction of the brain, and/or a real statement of love hard to distinguish though.
It only makes sense that the devil has been on full attack mode since I am seeking more boldly to have an even closer relationship with Christ.  It only makes sense for the devil to attack my heart and try to convince me that I am unlovable...incapable of true love...He's pretty good at convincing.  Mainly because I know a lot of people and a lot of people tell me they love me.  It's not my place to judge whether that is a true statement or act of kindness or a natural reaction to my love for them.  But...it makes it a more convincing argument when people who supposedly love you never show interest in wanting to be with you for more than a few moments and if I didn't initiate conversation or love first... days and even weeks would go by and I'm just not sure if anyone would miss that i was gone.  It's a believable argument bc it's true.  Sure they would miss me at work...bc the work wouldn't be getting done...but that would last a day or two and they would just find someone else to do it...anyone could do it.  They might miss me at Jazzercise bc I wouldn't be there to class manage but Judy would be there and she would just think i was working....anyone can enter names into a computer.  They wouldn't miss me at church...i'm just one person in a big crowd there...one person that sits on the back row.  I don't have any friends that call...I don't have any friends that text.....if i receive a call or text it is because someone needs something...they don't necessarily need me...they just need help with something and they know i will help no matter who or what it is.  I was really aware of this when I was sick a week ago.  No one was in the dorm...i got a few text messages but...if would have passed out (which I felt I was very near this at many occasions) or become unconscious, I probably would've gone days before someone realized i was unconscious.  It just became a scary thought.
It's funny that my love language is quality time...it's what i feel that i have the least of right now....that's why it's easy for the devil to convince me that i'm unlovable bc no one shows an interest in wanting to be with me.
The devil chose to first hit me hard with this on Good Friday.  It's funny that it proves that God already won this battle.  It's funny that no matter how much the devil yells this crap in my ears...God is still going to be right beside me never leaving me...always desiring to spend more time with Me.  Me?!
Jesus led a wonderfully amazing life to be brutally beaten, thrashed, skin ripped from his flesh, kicked, ridiculed, spit upon, humiliated...even when he carried his own cross they whipped him and continued to yell and torture him yet he kept going...when he would stumble and fall they would beat him more...yet he got up and went on.  When he could barely hold his head up...with a little help he got up and continued on...still being beat on and yelled at.  When he fell flat on his face after making it to Calvary...they yelled at him...kicked him...taunted him...told him how lousy he was...yet He got up and did what they asked of Him...only to be nailed to the cross and hung to die.  He didn't curse back at them...but He prayed for them!  He did this so that we can be saved from our sin.  He did this as a sacrifice for us...as a symbol for His absolute love for us.  He did this for you!  He did this for me!  Now that's love!  That's a love that will forever be with me.  That's a true love that the devil will never be able to convince me is not real.
The devil can bring tears to my eyes and sorrow in my heart because I'm a failure at earthly relationships but he will never get my full heart.  He doesn't win...God does!  It's only through God's word and the Holy Spirit that I feel comfort that He is with me holding me when I hurt and loving me the way I need to be loved.  He is there also reminding me that through Him I find comfort and that I should never seek love through the world for it is only through Jesus that true love is found.  If earthly relationships don't have a Christ center then they will most likely cause heartache and pain.
That's why when I start to feel the overwhelming loneliness and hurt of my heart...when it is evident that even those that voice their love don't really want to love...I reach to Him more.  I realize that hurt is most likely caused by the devils words.  Love is love...regardless.  I'll take whatever bc I know I've got God and that's enough and anything more than that is bonus...a blessing.

*Disclaimer* - I'm not saying that everyone in my life is doing the wrong things because they aren't.  I'm not trying to encourage others to change to make me feel better.  I am not trying to and don't want to force guilt on anyone!  I hope this does not give this message.  I'm just simply stating the facts of my life.  I'm just trying to make myself aware by releasing emotion and facts...by forcing myself to face truth and to reiterate to myself that no matter what awesome or crappy hand I'm dealt with that God gives me each day for a reason and it starts and ends with Him and that alone is a blessing!

Strategist

Definition: Strategist - an expert in strategy or planning

The way life has been going lately can only have been put together by a strategist...and that person is definitely not me.
God is pretty amazing how all the crazy things going on right now that among that and through that He is giving me peace and blessings that I just cannot explain.  At a very busy part of life, He led me to this Women on a Mission bible study and not only made it possible but twisted things around in my schedule to make it happen.  Wow!  At the time when my schedule was beginning to be twisted around, I did not understand.  I was actually angry.  Little did I know that I needed that change to take place to make room for this bible study.  God's hand was truly in that.  He is definitely present each week when I do the homework and attend the meeting.  Each week we are encouraged to dig deeper to find out more about ourselves, why God strategically placed some things in our lives, and where He is leading us through that.  I'm now so aware of my past, present, and all that God has done through it all....and it makes it so much easier to be open to the future He has for me not the one the world is pushing me to have.  My plan is unique...as is yours.  How great a strategist is God that the millions and millions of people in this world that He has a unique plan, path, journey for every single one of our lives and He takes time to love us to our core and bless us beyond comprehension.

On top of a busy lifestyle, a wonderful bible study, and God revealing Himself through and despite that, God was tugging at my heart to look more into baptism.  See I have never been baptized even saved as an eight year old...it just didn't happen.  Even becoming involved with a church when I was in senior high...it didn't happen.  Even five years ago when I rededicated my life to living for Him...it didn't cross my mind.  It was just recently that it really started to stir in my heart.  So I started to read in my bible and a lot online about it.  Articles and articles arguing whether it is part of truly being saved or not. Arguing the fact that God calls us to be baptized or that the Spirit washes over us when we accept Christ in our life symbolizing a Spirit baptism. I searched and searched the bible...Truthfully I was seeking a loop hole.  I was trying to avoid it if at all possible.  I didn't really care for the idea of getting on a stage in front of a room full of people and being dunked in water...have you ever seen a wet cat... hideous!  Well that's how I picture myself looking after this process.  But scripture kept on showing itself to prove that God calls us to make that declaration of faith publicly.  Then I kept hearing these proclamations that we are to be bold in our faith and should step out to lead a life for Him....It's not about us...It's not about me...It's about Him and that relationship!
The stirring only got stronger...and I knew what God was wanting me to do.  I sent an email to the pastor of my church asking some questions and telling him my concerns.  We even scheduled a chat session together to talk about this.  Before I even walked in the door I already knew that God was calling me to be baptized but I still wanted some questions and concerns answered.  My pastor, Ken, and I don't really know each other that well so I filled him in on me and some of my story and how I had ended up in his office at that very moment.  He confirmed that scripture even though it is sometimes confusing specifically states that God asks us to make the declaration of baptism to represent our lives changed through Him and by Him.  He confirmed that No...you don't have to be baptized to be saved and that many different people falsely interpret that from scripture.
As someone who has and is continually trying hard to change my life to be more like Christ and less like the world, I want nothing more than to be as obedient as I possibly can to Him and His word.  So I made sure that Ken knew that I was thankful for his knowledge and confirmations in what I believed deep down I already knew.  I told him that I wanted to be obedient to what ever God is calling me to do and that I knew He had placed this in my heart because it is important to Him.  I told Ken that I indeed wanted to be baptized.  We talked about a few other things and he placed an idea in my head to include some special people that have been a blessing in my walk with the Lord.  I totally agreed so he sent me on my way to confront those people to see if it would be something they would like to be a part of before we set any dates.
When I met with Paige and Alicia, I guess I expected there to be some hesitation.  I guess I was preparing myself for them to say no.  I didn't want them to feel like they were being pressured into something.  I didn't want to coax them into pleasing me...I really just wanted them to be there even if they were just in the audience.  It was so funny because they didn't even hesitate for a moment.  They were flattered and became just as excited as I was.  I can't explain how blessed I am to have these girls in my life and to have them be a part of something that I have been so hesitant about doing for a long time was even more of a blessing.  God sure has used them to help make me become stronger and more bold.  I still see His light shinning right through them every time I'm around them.

Well...today was the day!  The day I got baptized.

It is funny that it ended up that I would have a week of relaxation away from every day life before this event.  That strategist knew He wanted it this way.  He was working on me every day throughout the week...through the wind..the sound of the waves...through a book that clearly declared that we can all be loved no matter how unlovable we make ourselves feel.  God loves us and through Him is the greatest relationship we will ever have.  Being bold and going outside of our comfort zone is exactly what He wants.  The silence and lack of stress in my life made it such a perfect time for Him to speak and for there to be no distractions for me to listen.  And I did!
I just love people and relationships.  God knows that and uses it but I also use it to get in the way sometimes.  I abuse it.  I often make myself feel unlovable when I'm not helping someone...when I'm not constantly surrounded by people.  Even though I really have known this for a long time, God really reiterated to me this week that I have to make sure that I make some alone time (like what I was currently doing) with Him.  He knows that I don't like to be alone.  He proved that I'm never really alone and that it could be fun and really enjoyable just being with Him.  I even went on a hiking trip by myself after we returned back to Arkansas.  It was an awesome day!  An awesome day that I spent with Him.

It was hard to go to sleep last night because of the excitement the morning would bring.  I even woke up before my alarm sounded...even after staying up late the night before. (I like sleep so that is a big deal)  I went to the early service to assure that I got to catch the whole message because I knew I might miss some of the second service getting changed after being baptized and what not.  The service was awesome!  The music was awesome!  God was sure doing some talking....then the last song of the service before my baptism of course it was...Never once. The song proclaims that never once did we ever walk alone, never once did He leave us on our own.  Carried by His constant grace held within His perfect peace we never walk alone.  I guess He just wanted to make it even more clear that I'm not alone...not only has he strategically placed people in my life but that He is always right there whispering sweet things in my ears.  Tears were so near because many years I spent feeling so very much alone.  I am so thankful that He is with me...He always was but I just didn't acknowledge him before.  I'm glad that He is guiding me closer to Him and helping me fight off that loud obnoxious voice of the devil.
I changed clothes and then within minutes Ken approached to give me the run down of how the service would go.  He told me that He was going to try it a little different this time.  Something not traditional.  He said that he wanted to do the baptism during a song as the body sang and as the band played.  He said that he would introduce me and describe to the body what was going to happen then I would go up and be baptized as the body worshiped...the baptism was my worship.  (Only God could have used music that I so clearly relate most to Him through and Ken didn't know of this information about me - oh that strategist God and His unique plans).  I think the song they played was Christ is Risen...but to be honest I didn't hear it at all.  I was focused on the task.  I got up there and the stage didn't seem like a stage...and I didn't feel the presence of the audience.  I heard music but I wasn't listening to the words...I saw the sweet faces of my wonderful friends there beside me and Ken as he spoke some sweet words and baptized me in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit.  We prayed...then it was over.  I felt an immediate sense of relief...a sense of weight cast off my shoulders.  Alicia cryed...Paige jumped up and down and cheered with excitement.  I was simply content and calm with relief not that it was over but that the representation of washing away the sin made it feel so much more real...that whatever I was holding on to...I released it to Him.  An unexplainable feeling that just soothed my soul.  I was so thankful that Paige and Alicia got to share that experience with me!  Their emotions of joy and excitement were exactly how I felt inside but the only thing that was coming out was a calmness that I still can't even explain....oh and of course a grin that wouldn't go away.  Even though the devil really tried hard to steal my joy after church was over...it didn't happen.  God knew the devil was going to try though and God knew that even through my newly gained strength that I was going to need some extra help...and He had some amazing people around me at the right time.  It was no accident.  And that grin that God gave me...it's still there. :)  Ain't nobody stealing my joy!

Sometimes that strategist God does things we can't explain...sometimes He rocks our world to the core...sometimes He puts people in our lives because they need to be there for specific reasons...sometimes everything changes just so that our world turns to point directly to Him.  Sometimes He pushes us to do things we don't want to do...He pushes us to be bold and courageous. All we have to do is show up!  He really did all the work today....It wasn't about me...it was about Him!  It wasn't my day...it was His!  I am just so grateful that He called me to be a part of it.

Just remember...even in the hard times and even when you're angry at how something is going...stop and think...maybe this is the strategist God altering life so that you may glorify Him better!

New Year

It's a new year.  Each year brings new things.  It's a time for starting something new or just trying to refresh/restart the old normal things by spicing them up and trying different approaches on things.  Many people make new years resolutions.  I used to do that.  I still kinda do I guess.  I've never been good at keeping them though.  I never make a big deal about it probably because I know that I'm not likely to keep them.  I always say that I'll try to diet or loose weight or give up sodas or something along those lines.  It usually lasts about a month then I give up and all goes out the window.  They are always things that I know I need to do but I don't always have the want or excitement about doing them so it doesn't last.
This year I figure I can still attempt changing my eating habits but the real resolution/commitment I have made for 2012 is that I started January 1st is Read through the Bible in a year.  I am using my bible app on my phone which is super handy and has the plan laid out for me for every day of the year.  It even has an audio version that is awesome if i want to listen in the car or something.
I've never read through the entire Bible before so I am excited to accomplish this task.  I'm excited to see what God shows me through His word.  I'm excited to be spending 2012 learning more about Him!  I'm excited!  Did I mention that I'm excited? :)
I pray that God uses this experience to bring me even closer to Him and that through that He uses me to further His kingdom.
Please keep me in your prayers as I go on this journey. :)