Sunday, July 10, 2011
Attack
Usually once a month when my hormones are more excessive than usual is the prime time for attack. It's when it is easy for satan to convince me that I'm worthless. Or when I am super stressed dealing with work stuff to the point of major exhaustion...physically and emotionally. Well guess what...that time is now. So the pity party begins...
Right now he is saying...you are leaving no legacy, Sarah! You have ZERO close friends...how can someone with no close friends and no boyfriend be leaving a legacy. You are a failure at relationships!
That is all mostly true so that's why it's hard for me to swallow. So that's what my pity party is about...so I'm praying...
God please use me so that I may leave a legacy for You!...God, can that be done through a person who sucks at relationships? I'm good at loving but not good at relationships. I am quiet and often blend into a crowd almost invisible...how can I be leaving a legacy when i'm invisible sometimes even to my friends?...
I know God has great things in store for me. I know God is, has, and will continue to use me to glorify His name and grow His kingdom. I know He wins and Satan is defeated in the end! I know this life is not about me...it's definetly about Him and His glory through His creation!
Am I being too hard on myself...probably. Do I need to seek Him more and spend more time in the word and praying during these times...Yes.
He is all I need! With Him I am given everything I need to survive. He allows us to have a new day each morning. I am thankful for that even on days when I am feeling attacked and weak and emotions flying everywhere. I am thankful that He reminds me He is there even when it seems no one else is. Satan continues to attack...but as long as we cling to God...God will always win!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Show up
I've always heard and even used the saying "God showed up and showed off!". One of the speakers this week pointed out that God is always here. He is already there and been there and knows the outcome. It is us that has to show up in order for God to use us in a way that shows Him off...It is us that has to be open to His word and His greatness to be moved in and by the Spirit.
This really has been working on me. I have been living my life waiting for moments that God will show up and show off. Sure He does some times...but it's the times that I let myself go and am open to let Him work in and through me that it actually happens. Stupid Sarah....He's right here just waiting on you to actually show up every moment of every day.
This past week our group at OMP did almost 40 projects. I may not have been a driver working directly with the neighbors but I got to see a little piece of several of the projects and neighbors. It was enough to leave a mark on my heart. Mrs Jumper praising God constantly even though she had a huge hole in her roof from a fallen tree. Little Terry who could not even speak but was more concerned about us workers getting enough water than he was about himself basting in the heat of the sun. Another lady thankful to have a place to live after theft, fire, and flood only to praise God that this is only our temporary home. These people even with hardly anything to their name, living in rough conditions, and some with severe illnesses praise God for all that they have.
How many times do I myself cry and weep and whine about my situation in this life when really it's not that bad. It's actually pretty darn good.
God is really working on me to quit being selfish in my wants and desires and to put it all I have, all I want, and all I desire back into glorifying and exalting Him. He continues to use people and things in my life whether it be through a speaker at OMP or a friend just giving wise advise or a book that gives a detailed observation of the trinity or maybe a song or a devotional booklet or whatever it may be. God is there working and each day from here on out I refuse to sit in the shadows and watch as God moves around me. I chose to Show Up and let Him move in me and through me each and every day!
i dont want to go
- I don't want to go by Avalon
This song really speaks to me. Because i personally have stopped walking down some roads because I know that He won't be glorified there but rather condemned. Sometimes that means distancing friendships to almost an end.
It's not that I don't care because I do. It's just that I need to stop trying to force my love on people who don't want it. I would give it to them in 10 years if they asked for it even though they have forsaken me. I'd still give it to them. I would!
I'd rather walk closer to Him than go down a path away from Him just to be someone's friend.
I've been reading Radical by David Platt. He encourages us to lead a life pursuing and growing God's kingdom and not to live our lives wanting to fit into the American Dream. The American dream is selfish always wanting more for yourself and to be comfortable. David Platt points out that Jesus' life was not comfortable. He did not have everything. If we are all called to be like Him then why do we so strongly desire all these worldly things.
I know this blog is titled i don't want to go....but the song that it's referring to says "I don't want to go somewhere if you're not there". The more I think about it...we don't go anywhere that He is not already there. He is always with us. Of course steering away from people and things that ask us to leave God behind and pursue sin first is probably smart. However, isn't that what God is asking of us...to take Him to those places...the dangerous places...the lost people...if they do not know Him then they will always be dangerous and lost and He is calling us to ALL nations, tribes and tongues.
As easy as it is to stay at home and to take the easy road of the American dream...what will we get from that? Will God be satisfied that we just bathed in His creation but didn't share it with others? Maybe you are...maybe you don't feel called (like me) to go to the nations. What about just with love? There is always a way to share God's love even if our gift isn't teaching or preaching. How about sharing God's love by simply loving others....down the street....in the next town....in the next state...in another country. Love on others by sharing the gospel...by sharing the American wealth..by simply caring enough to show up when God calls.
I'm not saying God is calling me to sell everything and move to a different country. But He may one day. I'm just making a point that we have to at least care enough for those around us who are less fortunate than us or lost to love them the way that God has called us to. Love on your neighbors!
I don't want to go...without You, Oh Lord!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
imprint on my heart
Anywho, it has been a great semester regardless of internet issues. Challenging but great!
Every year I'm here at CBC I meet some amazing people. Amazing people that I hope to have in my life for a long time preferably forever!
Even though I knew for a while that the group of newcomers this year was a good one, it wasn't until toward mid-spring semester that I realized that sure enough it's another really amazing group! The semester was a lot of fun but there were also many days that simply put an imprint on my heart.
I know I'm suppose to be here to mentor these kids and help them grow and make them feel at home. I love this job! Every year it's the students that force me to continue to grow...even though they may not even know it. I'm still growing just like they are but some of them are simply amazing. I can see God flowing inside and out of them.
God uses us in ways that we don't understand sometimes. He definitely keeps pushing me to step outside of my little comfort zone almost as soon as I get settled into it...Constantly He keeps doing this. :) Not only was I blessed with great students who I look up to in their walk with God but this semester He called me to disciple one of them. Me?...really? Ok?!. (It's hard to say No to God). Well... I'm pretty sure I failed. But I bought her a good book if that counts for anything. We ran out of semester and she isn't coming back to school here. So I'm a failure at discipleship because I use the world to fill my time leaving no time for such things. AWFUL!!! I hope He gives me another chance.
He also has forced me to cut ties that I wasn't really ready to cut. I know it is for the best. It's still hard sometimes. He has greater things in store and more great people for me to meet.
I have a lot of emotions about this semester from the sadness of possibly not ever seeing some of these students again, the gladness that all their drama is not in my life and in my dorm for the summer, and the emotion of not really having much of a life outside of this place.
I'm really looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me this summer. I don't really have much planned but with a willing servant heart who knows what will happen. :)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
God knows!
God is developing muscle in us to hang on, to defend what He gives us. He gives but we have to go get it. Take what we've been given. The enemy often plays "Chicken" with us. Hold straight. Trust the path. Do not look left or right. Stay straight and trust.
I typed this up several weeks ago in the midst of doing "The Inheritance" Beth Moore bible study. It obviously means a lot. Beth Moore is amazing. I read this again today and I laughed. Oh God...He is a funny guy! What Beth Moore shared with me a few months ago means so much now.
God not only gives us gifts and asks us to get off our lazy butts and go get them. But He does it again and again. It's funny after you crawl through a period of life and then stand with bloody elbows and dirt on your face...it's pretty great to realize that God got me through that!!...I'm too reserved, uneducated, and self conscious to have done that just by myself bc just by myself I wouldn't have done a thing. It was all Him.
Everyone has ups and downs...yes some of those ups are amazing for some people and for some it's just good times of wonderful contentment and yes some of those downs are harder on some people than others to an extent we may not understand.
"The will of God will never take you to where the grace of God will not protect you" is a quote I always reflect on. God rescues and protects me(us) from all harm. Psalm 91:9,10 If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling.
So no matter what crap we go through or what happiest of happy moments we get. God is the only thing that never changes. So even when we are searching for who we really are and who we are suppose to be in this world. God knows! We may think we do and sometimes we get real comfortable and confident about our path...sometimes when things are good and our heads get too big to get in the door...He throws in a kink to the plan...makes this life hard again. Well guess what...life is hard! It's going to be hard! Like Beth said...We have to exercise our faith. Keep building that muscle. Deflate that swollen head and come back to reality...it hurts a little less when we get slapped in the face if we have a God formed strong willed head on our shoulders.
We can't control what God or the world throws us. Sure we can hide from it. I do that sometimes. But even hiding doesn't change anything. God is still giving us gifts that we need to step up and take responsibility for. And the world always seeps into the cracks and finds us too. God placed us here to be a part of this place. There is a reason we are here now. Sometimes in the world the bad stands out and pull at us more than the good...but we got to stay strong, got to stay on that path, we can't look left or right and dwell on the bad, we have to stay straight on that path God lays for us each day!
1 Corinthians 2:9-10 says No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him...but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.
I say all this because I question my own path often. I'm not criticizing you for your life or your choices. I'm talking to myself mostly and maybe it will help you too.
But I get unsure because I still feel so new and I'm not this super Christian who breathes out scriptures (i have to research and look stuff up and then the next day I may have to look it up again) and I'm not real outspoken and still working on be comfortable with praying aloud. Yet God placed me in a situation that I have to speak up. That I have to help others in ways that I don't really know how. God has me here for a reason...His reasons not my own. Sometimes I see it...sometimes it takes a good friend to tell me what I can't see. But I'm on the path! I'm building muscle and holding tight. It's pretty scary at times! But He is working through me...ME. I don't feel like I deserve to be used to help others when I still have so much to work on myself...but it's not my choice. He knows what we are capable of. He gives those gifts and if we step up and take it He will use us when and where He needs us. He will reveal it to us by his Spirit!
Sorry if this is a little jumbled and confusing at times...I'm not a writer. I'm just a girl sharing a journey.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
a single girl's heart
I believe and am proud that God has a glorious plan for me. I also believe that He knows the desires of my heart.
With each year, with each holiday, with each wedding, with each child I see...I begin to wonder if God's plan for me is to live a single life of service toward Him. Of course I would be grateful and proud to do this and will if that is God's plan. Is that the desire of my heart though? No.
My desire is to have a wonderful male companion to share this life with who lives for God and together as one we are made whole. I don't believe myself to be too picky. I just want a man to love me for me but love God first.
But anywho, I stumbled across this article and I wanted to share because it speaks directly to what I am struggling with right now and maybe there are some out there that need this message as well. So here ya go:
Single Woman – Is there any hope for marriage?
As a single woman, have you ever considered the married couples you know and thought to yourself "I’m just as pretty as she is. Why don’t I have a husband, too? What’s wrong with me?" If you have ever had a thought like this, I want to assure you that you are not alone.
The desire to be married and have a husband and home to care for is deeply ingrained in us as women. While the prospect of being a wife is wonderful, the continual longing to be changed from a single woman to a married woman can be a heart-wrenching and miserable emotional time. I know.
I was single myself until the age of 41. I hoped, prayed, struggled, looked around at other women who were married, and compared myself with them countless times, wondering why I hadn’t been chosen as a wife yet. Since I am a Christian, my main thought was "I am following You, God, not dating anyone, waiting for You to choose a husband for me. I’ve behaved myself. How come You haven’t given me a husband, God?"
You may be asking yourself the same question. As a single woman, desiring to be married, should you trust God to give you a husband? Is marriage a state of being He has in mind for you? Does God care how difficult it is for you to wait for marriage? Will God change His mind about marriage being a good thing? Does God have plans for your life as a wife?
Single Woman – The Tough Questions
As a single woman, these are tough questions. Let’s look at them together and find some answers:
- As a single woman, desiring to be married, should you trust God to give you a husband?
- Is marriage a state of being that He has in mind for you?
Isn’t that great?! God designed marriage! He is the One who decided that it was not good for man to be alone. It is absolutely right that you, as a single woman, desire to be married. God created you that way. You were made, by God, to be a companion to your husband!
You can talk with God about your desire to be married. He cares about how you feel and He is waiting for you to talk with Him about it. You can give all your concerns to Him and trust that He has your very best in mind.
And in the book of Numbers 23:19, we read: "God is not a man, that he should lie. He is not a human, that he should change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through?"
We can continue reading about God’s plan for us as wives in verses 26-30: "When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions. She carefully watches all that goes on in her household and does not have to bear the consequences of laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: ‘There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!’ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised."
Single Woman – God’s Plan
As a recently married woman, I look back on the time when I was single and I see that God was working things out the whole time -- even when I thought He wasn’t there, or didn’t care how miserable I felt. I learned to trust Him and to tell Him all the things I was concerned about. You can also learn to trust God for marriage. It was His idea in the first place!
This helps a lot by simply reminding me that God is working through every little thing. Even through this 28 year old single woman's life to form and mold me to the woman and wife that one certain man needs one day. Maybe this girl just needs a little more molding.
Am I complaining about my life? No because I do enjoy this time. Do I wish it was different? Yes, but it will be what it is suppose to be until whenever God sees fit to change it.
That's my prayer tonight...that God's will be done and that I don't let myself or my needs or wants get in the way of His plan.