Sleepless night

I'm thankful for all the people in my life. They remind me how good life is and how worse it could be.  They understand...mostly. I'm so thankful for what I do have even though many days it feels like nothing.

Lots on my mind lately.  This is night two of sleepless nights.
Watched two movies tonight that had a lot of tragedy in them. Lots of people losing loved ones. Ive lost a lot of love ones buy it makes me think mostly of my Granny!
Oh I ache that I miss her so much. And it's been 14 years since she went home to heaven.  It still hurts like yesterday. I watched her battle a long hard fight with cancer. In the end she was never afraid of death. I'm thankful she is no longer in pain and she is home safe with Papa.

I just finished watching a movie and at the end credits from a song I've never heard before it says this:

Stay strong, my little girl

Look up to heaven, they tell you it's alright

That everything's alright

Just lay down, little girl

Eyes up to heaven, they tell you it's alright

Everything's alright

Just a little message from heaven telling me to relax because its ok.

It's funny how God chooses to speak to us sometimes.

I can't wait to one day be in heaven worshiping my Lord and Savior at His feet alongside my sweet Granny.

shake me!

Literally some days I need someone to shake me and tell me
You is kind, you is smart, you is important... And that they love me.

Those simple words make a big difference when having a bad day...or week!

My own worst enemy

I am my own worst critic. 
I have "junk in the trunk", baggage, or whatever you want to call it that no one knows about. (well maybe one or two people if that)
I have trust issues with everyone mainly because I have them within myself.
I often do not love myself so I believe that is why I don't feel that others love me even when they say they do.
I smile and say I'm good when I'm really not.
I keep busy and help others because that keeps me distracted from my own disappointments.
I do not ask for help.  
I do not ask why.  
I'm hard headed and selfish.
Why would anyone want to be friends with or love this?
I am my own worst enemy!


Hebrew 4:15 says "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin."
First of all...Wow! Only a perfect God could be tempted in ALL things that we are/have and not sin. I am not one to lash out at others in words or actions but the lashings are sometimes in my mind and that may be just as bad or worse than criticizing them to their face.  So sin is the natural human reaction when you're being beaten on by those around you.

So I have to dwell on 1 John 1:9 that says "But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins to cleanse us from all wickedness."

Again with the word ALL....cleanse us from ALL wickedness!
All the things that hang over my head...all the things that I carry on my back...all the wickedness that the devil has fed my brain that lingers every day. He forgives our sins and cleanses us from that...from ALL of that.

God has already forgiven every sin I have ever committed and ever will. He waits for us to gratefully choose to receive His amazing grace of forgiveness. I thank Jesus for paying my debt for my sin and for forgiving me and for loving me! I know He did and I know He does love me. I'm just not sure why. But sometimes we don't get to figure out all the whys in life. I just fall back on the fact that He continually says that He does love me, that He does forgive me, that He will never leave me.
Ephesians 1:5 says "God decided in advance to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. This is what He wanted to do, and it gave Him great pleasure."
Verses and songs that remind us that He chose us and has adopted us almost always make me cry. Why in the world would He want me in His family? Why in the world would this give Him great pleasure? Hello...why me? I'm not that great.
Then He throws John 16:33 at me saying "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world"
And Hebrews 12:7 that says "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?"
God has adopted me. God has overcome all trials and troubles. He disciplines us like his children. Sharpening us and encouraging us to be less like the world and more like Him. 

So today when the devil is speaking loud in my ear of the wickedness of my past and pointing out the flaws in my present state, I am trying to hard to lean on God. If I can trust anyone at all, I trust God. The rest is a work in progress but I am trying. Through Him all things are possible. So I look to Philippians 4:8 which exclaims "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. It is so hard to see things that are excellent on days that all the negative things are pouring in. But it's there. One true thing is my Savior. He's all I need to make it to tomorrow. Some days clinging to the cross as a tornado of the world passes through is what we have to do.  He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. ~ Isaiah 40:29-31

Nicaragua

Nicaragua Spring Break 2013 trip Journal entries...
(This is basically just a log of what we did.)

Sunday, March 17th/Monday, March 18th 1:15am
The plane rides weren't as bad as I expected.  They seemed fairly quick and the turbulence wasn't bad either.  When we arrived in Managua everyone was tired.  We made it through security and through customs fairly quickly and headed out to meet our wonderful interpreters Chico, Melvin, Jessica, and Cairo...and our driver Franklin. They all seemed very nice and Ken, Tommy and the others who were returners to Nicaragua had met them before.  It was fun getting to listen to them reminisce and catch up since their last meeting.  We had a 2 hour van ride to get to Rivas from Managua and it was getting late so we were a pretty quiet group and many people were dozing.  We about had a hard attach when Franklin hit his breaks and swerved to avoid a man that was walking down the middle of the road.  That guy had to have been drunk or sprung out on something.  It was crazy but got us all alert for sure.  It was really dark so I didn't get to see much of the countryside on our drive to Rivas but it just seemed like the flatland country of eastern Arkansas to me.  The hotel is nice.  It has hammocks and rocking chairs everywhere.  The rooms weren't bad either.  It was way better conditions than I expected.  Char and I were given a room together and we went in got settled and ready for bed. We lost an hour because Nicaragua doesn't observe Daylight Savings Time.  We knew our 6:30am wake up call was going to come early.  I have enjoyed spending time with Char!  She is a great woman and I look forward to getting to know her better this trip.  
My prayer tonight is that God's will be done in whatever He has for us this trip.

Monday, March 18th 11:00pm
Day 1 of work in Nicaragua is about to be complete as I lay in bed.  The vegetation is simply amazing here!  Trees upon trees of fruit.  Papaya, lemons, avocados, bananas, star fruit, pineapples, coconuts, plantains...etc.  Anna has tons of fruit trees on her property and we have tons at our hotel as well.  The Papayas are starting to ripen and have been falling from the trees hitting the metal roof at the hotel all evening.  It is loud and scared several of us the first few times.
Poverty is the norm here for sure.  Small brick, stone, or metal scrap made buildings many without doors or windows made up their houses.  Many appears to be one room possibly two and many had several people outside them as if they all lived there.  We say many people washing their clothes in whatever water they had in a bucket and hanging them up to dry sometimes on a nearby barbed wire fence.  These barbed wire fences around their properties were what kept the big animals and help keep intruders out.  Anna said that she needed a barbed wire fence around her plants to keep the cows from destroying them.  She did not have cows.  Later today I noticed random herds of cows just roaming down the street not being herded by anyone.  This is what she is talking about I suppose.  The guys started  working on digging post holes for the fence and the rest of us began to clean up and get ready to paint.  Someone from our church picked out a beige color for us to paint the kids center.  We knew as soon as it was delivered that it did not fit in with the central american style.  We started painting anyways because we knew we could at least us it as a primer.  The room was clay bricks so it was really dark and had lots of deep crevices in between each brick.  It took us all day to finish up the one coat but I think we did a great job for the amount of time that we completed the task.  We didn't see much of Anna today. She was out and about busy gathering supplies for feeding for that afternoon.  She did stop in for a bit and she expressed her dislike as well of the beige color and explained that painting a few different colors would be good and brighten the place up.  "This place is for the kids" she said.  "They will like something bright and colorful".  So we plan to buy 3 different colors and make the place colorful tomorrow.  It was hot but breezy so it wasn't too awfully bad.  I was definitely sweaty and dirty though.
Several kids arrived in the afternoon and ran straight for the baseball gear.  It was fun to see them so passionate about something I know a lot about.  However they didn't pay much attention to us.  Since I don't speak Spanish, I just observed them and took a few pictures.  It was fun watching them rag on each other and cheer and even argue over a play.  They are just like any american country kids.  The few little kids were funny.  One little boy that lives there at the center with his family who are like the center caretakers, his name was Josua (translated to Joshua but said like Ho-s-weigh).  He was super cute and wasn't very friendly in the morning but was giggling and playing with us in the afternoon.  
As we drove home we noticed the lake so close to our hotel and in the distance a volcano on an island in the middle of the lake.  Franklin drove us down there and we took a few pictures from the van window.  Once we all got back and took showers, Ken wanted to walk down to the lake to see it.  The lake was beautiful and big with waves like an ocean.  The volcano was pretty cool too.  We waded a little and the water was nice.  We observed the beauties for a bit.  Ken told a few stories about past trips some good and one tragic.  Then we cam back and got ready to go to a restaurant and I ordered the grilled shrimp.  I thought I better play it safe to avoid any stomach issues and I figured the shrimp were probably good in a place like this. It was good too!  I had a great time fellowshiping with these wonderful people.  We got back around 8:30 and everyone was on their phones talking and emailing and facetiming.  We decided to switch up the room assignments since Char and I were working at different places each day and Char needed to communicate with Jessica about the slides and translation of her teachings for the next few days.  It didn't matter too much for me because I knew we would only be in the room to sleep and shower.  So we switched rooms and then relaxed.  I didn't really have anyone to facetime and I didn't really have anyone that I couldn't wait to tell about my day.  I relaxed though in a rocking chair for a while and a hammock for a while and then excused myself to bed.  I am now rooming with Loi but she was outside facetiming with what seemed to be like all of her friends and family.  She is nice and speaks fluent Spanish so it will be helpful to have a friend like her here.  So here I am tired and thankful to have had a full days work making a difference in a "place for the kids".  :) 
My prayer tonight is for God to break down my walls of fear and the walls of language barriers so that I may feel more comfortable loving on these kids.

Tuesday, March 19th 9:15pm
Today was a quick but good day of working!  We had plans to drive to the Pacific coast for dinner which was about a 45 minute drive from Rivas so we had to leave a little earlier than yesterday.  Today we painted the beautiful colors on the walls of the center.  The colors just lite up the place and you could tell that Anna and the kids were happy to have it.  The guys worked hard at digging more post holes and setting the posts and stringing barbed wire today.  The ground is so dry and rocky that it takes several of them taking turns to accomplish one post hole.  I was amazed again at the amount of work that we accomplished with this short work day.  It had to be God!  He was making all things fall together and work out just as He wanted.  We didn't see many kids today except for the few that live there.  Josua was cranky again this morning but after noon he came to life and played and giggled.  I would take him home if they would let me.  :)
We left early but apparently it wasn't early enough.  Loi was in the shower when Cairo came by explaining that we are leaving for the ocean in 15 minutes...WHAT???  I hadn't been in the shower yet and I was dirty and sweaty in desperate need of at least a little water and soap and definitely new pair of clothes.  By the time it was my turn to get in I had 5 minutes to shower and change.  That was the fastest I've ever gotten ready in my life!  The van ride to the beach was an easy 30 minute trip and Anna had joined us for the evening.  Once we arrived we were all in awe of the beauty of the ocean and beach.  The translators said that this was Gringo town because it is often a tourist town where Americans and Europeans come.  There were definitely many more white people and obviously more tourists here than in Rivas for sure.  However, besides the beautiful beach the buildings weren't at all impressive and the hotels appeared similar to ours in Rivas.  We walked down to the water and Colton and I got in for a bit.  He went all the way under and swam a bit but I never got my hair wet and just waded about chest deep.  The water was so cold but felt nice in the sunshine.  The other girls were prepared to get in but never did because the water was so cold.  I couldn't pass up the opportunity to swim in the Pacific ocean.  I may never get the chance again.  It was absolutely gorgeous!  We only stayed in for about 20 minutes and then decided to go clean up and join the rest of the crew.  After changing, us girls decided to take a look around so we took a stroll down the street.  There were many booths along side the street many with trinkets and things.  I wasn't impressed with the pricing of anything so I didn't buy anything.  When we got back I sat beside Anna and Melvin at the dinner table and got to interact with them a bit.  I found out that Anna is about to turn 30 and she is excited for a big party.  They are funny and great people.  They are such good examples of Christ driven people. It was a good night and great food.  The service was medicre but it made for great fellowship time.  I heard many army stories on our end of the table between Roger, Johnny, and the very knowledgeable Colton.  It was pretty interesting though.  The drive back seemed quick and we were back at Hotel Hammackas before I knew it.  Of course people went straight for the hammocks and the rocking chairs so I joined them.  I called Julie and Abby.  It was a little late but I got to talk to them for a few minutes.  It was good to talk to them.  Abby was asking me why i was in Nicaragua.  Then she told me about her Lamby (that I got her).  Now I lay here in bed tired from a wonderful day of work and sightseeing.  Praying for a great day tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 20th 8:45pm
Day 3 was a good one.  We had planned to clean up our paint mess and finish the final touches on that.  Also we planned to start working on planting the plants and grass that we had bought for the front fenced in areas.  We got to Anna's and there still was no water.  The guy was there waiting on us to help him try to work on the well.  So we all went back there to help.  They tied a rope to him and lowered him down in the well.  Then we pulled up the rope and lowered down a bucket of tools.  This well was probably 40 foot deep and maybe 3 foot around.  The guy wasn't down there but for about 5 minutes maybe less.  He spoke to Cheeko a few things in Spanish and Cheeko yelled for us to get him out quick that the guy couldn't breathe.  So all the guys grabbed the rope and pulled this guy out.  He was wet with sweat and water and exhausted yet accomplished nothing.  He said that there simply was no air circulation down there and it was so hot that it is suffocating and you just can't breathe.  I know I wouldn't want to be down there but this is a guy that specifically worked on wells...you would think that he knew how to work in these conditions.  He told us that he will have to wait until it rains or becomes cooler before he could accomplish anything in the well.  This is the start of summer for them...They can't go all summer without water!  Kind of disgusted at the lack of progress with the well, We all went back to the feeding center and the guys went to work more on the 
fence while the rest of us attempted to clean up spilled and splattered paint in the feeding center.  We didn't have water or many rags.  We had a water bottle with paint thinner so a couple got rags dabbed them in paint thinner and began to scrub the floor.  It needed more scratching than wiping and the paint thinner was strong so we decided that scraping it up and sweeping would be more logical.  Except we didn't have anything to scrap with.  One of the guys had a pocket knife so he was scraping with that.  I grabbed a plastic bottle top just to see if it would work and not scratch the tile real bad.  It worked!  It made a screeching noise and took a while to do one area but it worked.  Before I knew it there were three of us using bottle caps but it was getting that paint up good.  We scraped all morning.  It got it up though and it looked good.  Then we attempted to mop with the only water we could find and it was like smearing mud around but it did look better.  The colors on the walls kept your attention away from the floors anyways.  :)
The guys finished the fence mid morning and was waiting for dirt to be delivered to fill the area with dirt so we could plant the plants.  After lunch...we waited and waited...but nothing came.  We cleaned more and organized more and visited with each other...the dirt still didn't come.  A few of us wanted to walk down to the dump just to see what it was like so we walked down the dirt road about a 1/4 mile till we reached the edge of the dump.  It was just fields and fields of trash.  Piles that looked like hills in the landscape of just trash.  You could see in the distance several people out there moving around and there was a little family close to the edge where we were...A man working hard, a woman sorting with a baby on her hip and a small toddler following close behind her with plastic bottles in his hand.  I kinda wanted to continue walking to see more but the rest of the group stopped and some of them even started walking back.  I didnt take any pictures of the dump because the group kept saying how awkward it was to be watching these people rummage through trash.  Cheeko stood at the edge with his hands on his hips obviously heart broken for these people.  I stood beside him kindof hoping he wanted to walk more and maybe talk to some of these people.  Cheeko told me that the children in the dump and even children living nearby are always sick.  He said that a 10 year old child will sometimes only appear to be 5 years old because illness has taken over their body preventing them from growing properly.  That is sooo sad.  Cheeko has a 3 year old son so it was obvious that his heart was broken for these children.  He turned around as to walk back in disgust so I turned and went with him.  We walked back and not much conversation was had.  I took several photos of trees and flowers on the walk.  When we got back to the center, there was still no dirt.  
This was the day that we planned to stay later and help feed the kids and pass out our donated flip flops.  Some of the kids showed up and played baseball in the street.  Some of the kids were swinging.  Some were playing board and card games.  Some were attempting to play frisbee.  We all just played with the kids.  Anna went around to all the houses down her road and near the dump inviting people to come to the party.  She bought 2 pinatas and we filled them with candy.  We set up tons of chairs and benches back close to her house.  We organized the shoes by size.  And played with the kids more.  More kids and women started showing up.  Kids started moving their chairs really close to us.  It was funny.  They were all so cute!  One little boy was trying so hard to talk to me but I had no idea what he was saying.  Anna picked several kids out and they played a few games of tug-o-war.  They had a blast doing that and some of the adults joined in to help the losing team.  It was funny and we shared lots of laughs.  Then we strung up the pinatas and the girls had one then the boys had one.  The kids had a blast and boy did they attach that candy when it hit the ground.  I even saw a few of the adults down there scrambling for some.  Then we went inside to get ready to hand out flip flops.  Anna sent in four at a time so it wouldn't get too crazy and we took their current shoes off them if they had any and fitted them for the right size.  These kids were so grateful, thankful, excited, and precious.  They loved the gifts!  There were a lot of kids there so me and a few others continued fitting kids for shoes and all the others helped hand out bowls of food (the manna rice meals).  After the final kids had gotten their shoes, I walked out of the house and the 80 or so people that were there were all gone and the sun was beginning to set.  What seemed like a slow workday had so many little God moments!  
Of course we went back to the hotel, showered, then went downtown for dinner.  I got seafood again.  I enjoyed it though very much.  You could tell it was fresh and they don't add any crazy seasonings to it which I love.  Just straight grilled with olive oil and garlic. :)  Also The vegetables were simply amazing.  You can obviously tell they are fresh and these people probably just cut them up and cooked them just now.  It appeared to be carrots, squash, and zucchini.  But some of it was colored different and cut differently than in America so I just assumed what vegetable it was.  It was super yummy though!  It was fun to fellowship with the whole crew after a long but great day.  Then we went back to the hotel for hammock swinging and rocking chair rocking. That's where I'm at now.  Swinging in a hammock almost ready for bed.
Thankful for a great day!  It's so humbling that these kids with worn clothing, worn shoes (if any), living in shacks and poverty and how happy and full of life they are.  It's really a slap in the face at how good I have it and yet I complain all the time about things and what i don't have.

Thursday, March 21st 9:15pm
Last day in Revis...it was a short work day. Started with the usual breakfast of rice and beans. We had sweet plantane also which was yummy. Char did devotion and it was great! She talked about Jeremiah 1 and how we often make mistakes to avoid the things on our heart that the Lord calls us to and how she avoided Ken's invitation to teach with him in Nicaragua. She just really hit the nail on the head with topic for me. 
We knew it would be a short work day but how short depended on if the dirt would be delivered or not. We wanted to at least go say goodbye though and to see if there was anything else we could do for Anna. We prayed that the dirt would be delivered in time for us to complete the planting project that we prepared for but the way Anna talked it didnt look to hopeful. As we drove up to the feeding center there at the end of the drive was a very large pile of dirt. We were so happy! Anna told us that they normally dont make deliveries until after lunch but today they delivered our dirt at 7am. :) God again proves that He provides above and beyond what we expect and need! 
We all got to work. There were several kids there because they let school out for vacation and they wanted to help us. They brought more shovels and buckets of water which they played in. They were such a blessing. With everyone and the kids working, we were able to get the dirt moved and everything planted in less than 2 hours just in time before we had to leave. It was kind of surreal that we were leaving. We hugged a few necks and was rushed in the van to leave before much emotion could set in. What a wonderful place this is and the sweet people will always be in my heart. 
We stopped at the bible institute to eat lunch. It was a nice place and it was so good to see so many people there hearing the word of God and learning how to apply and teach others themselves. Charlotte went with us to check out of the hotel and get our bags. We then headed to the Market for shopping. This was Charlotte's favorite thing to do. Everyone else wasnt quite excited. We got there and it was kinda like what you see at Toad Suck under one roof like a flea market. They were all homemade products and some very unique. I enjoyed walking around and seeing it all. Charlotte found a lot of  deals and after 2 hours she was finally happy and done shopping. We then headed to Managua to meet the others at our hotel for the night since we our flight leaves at 6am tomorrow. The countryside was beautiful. Lots of farm land. I literally starred out the window the whole hour and half drive to Managua.  We got to the hotel and this hotel was like the Ritz compared to what we had been used to this week. It is gorgeous. There is a beautiful courtyard and pool with tons of trees. The rooms were super fancy too. We all cleaned up then went to dinner at this hole in the wall place that Ken loves. It was pretty good. The meats cooked on the grill were great but everything else was just ok. It was super cheap though. I paid like $5 with tip for my meal and i had way more than i needed. After dinner we went back to the hotel and hung out. We said goodbye to all the interpreters and now I'm sitting out by the pool reflecting on this wonderful trip and sad that the week was already over. All the others were excited to get home to their families but i know nobody is anticipating my return and i will go home to an empty dorm. I doubt I receive a single phone call assuring my safe return either But thats the life i have and I'm proud God has me where He does and glad He helped me out of the pit i dug and put myself in not so long ago. I have enjoyed being the hands and feet of Christ. I loved being a part  a team that loves the Lord and wants nothing more but to share that love and serve others. I hope to get this opportunity again soon and it makes me look forward to OMP even more.
Good night and God bless!

Friday, March 22nd 8:30pm
Made it home. Its cold here! The flights were good this morning. We went through security pretty fast. There were several other mission teams mostly youth group ages on our flight to Houston. They were all nice people. In Houston we went through customs and we were trying to rush to make our flight and lost Colton. He had been held back with customs for having alcohol in his bag. They did let him go and surprisingly they let him keep the alcohol. Charlotte had a little bit of a freak out moment and made sure someone stayed with him the rest of the trip. We all made it to the terminal to grab a sandwich and catch the plane to little rock. I dozed most of the trip and it seemed like minutes rather than hours. Landed in Arkansas and it was dreary and cold. Char and I stopped and got a Starbucks coffee when we got off then we proceeded to baggage claim where Emily's family were there waiting with my bags ready to go. So i hugged Char and Ken and then left with the Allison family.They are a sweet little family and i was appreciative of the ride. I made it home to my empty dorm and curled up on my couch to rest. I fell asleep and 4 1/2 hours later i woke up went and rented a few movies and now here i am. Is it possible to already miss Nicaragua and the team? I guess it is bc I do.

God is so good and as I finish typing up these journal entries from the Nicaragua the flood of faces and God's work are so fresh on my brain. I'm still humbled that people gave money so much money to make it possible for me to be able to go. I'm so thankful! I will never forget this trip and i hope to get to be able to go again some day. Praying for all of you out there and encouraging all of you to step out of your comfort zone to work a mission trip. All you have to do is prepare your heart and be prepared to work...God does the rest!