My own worst enemy

I am my own worst critic. 
I have "junk in the trunk", baggage, or whatever you want to call it that no one knows about. (well maybe one or two people if that)
I have trust issues with everyone mainly because I have them within myself.
I often do not love myself so I believe that is why I don't feel that others love me even when they say they do.
I smile and say I'm good when I'm really not.
I keep busy and help others because that keeps me distracted from my own disappointments.
I do not ask for help.  
I do not ask why.  
I'm hard headed and selfish.
Why would anyone want to be friends with or love this?
I am my own worst enemy!


Hebrew 4:15 says "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin."
First of all...Wow! Only a perfect God could be tempted in ALL things that we are/have and not sin. I am not one to lash out at others in words or actions but the lashings are sometimes in my mind and that may be just as bad or worse than criticizing them to their face.  So sin is the natural human reaction when you're being beaten on by those around you.

So I have to dwell on 1 John 1:9 that says "But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins to cleanse us from all wickedness."

Again with the word ALL....cleanse us from ALL wickedness!
All the things that hang over my head...all the things that I carry on my back...all the wickedness that the devil has fed my brain that lingers every day. He forgives our sins and cleanses us from that...from ALL of that.

God has already forgiven every sin I have ever committed and ever will. He waits for us to gratefully choose to receive His amazing grace of forgiveness. I thank Jesus for paying my debt for my sin and for forgiving me and for loving me! I know He did and I know He does love me. I'm just not sure why. But sometimes we don't get to figure out all the whys in life. I just fall back on the fact that He continually says that He does love me, that He does forgive me, that He will never leave me.
Ephesians 1:5 says "God decided in advance to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. This is what He wanted to do, and it gave Him great pleasure."
Verses and songs that remind us that He chose us and has adopted us almost always make me cry. Why in the world would He want me in His family? Why in the world would this give Him great pleasure? Hello...why me? I'm not that great.
Then He throws John 16:33 at me saying "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world"
And Hebrews 12:7 that says "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?"
God has adopted me. God has overcome all trials and troubles. He disciplines us like his children. Sharpening us and encouraging us to be less like the world and more like Him. 

So today when the devil is speaking loud in my ear of the wickedness of my past and pointing out the flaws in my present state, I am trying to hard to lean on God. If I can trust anyone at all, I trust God. The rest is a work in progress but I am trying. Through Him all things are possible. So I look to Philippians 4:8 which exclaims "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. It is so hard to see things that are excellent on days that all the negative things are pouring in. But it's there. One true thing is my Savior. He's all I need to make it to tomorrow. Some days clinging to the cross as a tornado of the world passes through is what we have to do.  He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. ~ Isaiah 40:29-31