imprint on my heart

I haven't blogged in FOREVER! Sorry. It's not that I haven't felt lead to..it's just that when I get time to I've been way too exhausted. Plus we had some major internet issues in the dorm. I still don't get internet in my bedroom and that's where I normally no my best blogging. ;)
Anywho, it has been a great semester regardless of internet issues. Challenging but great!

Every year I'm here at CBC I meet some amazing people. Amazing people that I hope to have in my life for a long time preferably forever!
Even though I knew for a while that the group of newcomers this year was a good one, it wasn't until toward mid-spring semester that I realized that sure enough it's another really amazing group! The semester was a lot of fun but there were also many days that simply put an imprint on my heart.

I know I'm suppose to be here to mentor these kids and help them grow and make them feel at home. I love this job! Every year it's the students that force me to continue to grow...even though they may not even know it. I'm still growing just like they are but some of them are simply amazing. I can see God flowing inside and out of them.

God uses us in ways that we don't understand sometimes. He definitely keeps pushing me to step outside of my little comfort zone almost as soon as I get settled into it...Constantly He keeps doing this. :) Not only was I blessed with great students who I look up to in their walk with God but this semester He called me to disciple one of them. Me?...really? Ok?!. (It's hard to say No to God). Well... I'm pretty sure I failed. But I bought her a good book if that counts for anything. We ran out of semester and she isn't coming back to school here. So I'm a failure at discipleship because I use the world to fill my time leaving no time for such things. AWFUL!!! I hope He gives me another chance.

He also has forced me to cut ties that I wasn't really ready to cut. I know it is for the best. It's still hard sometimes. He has greater things in store and more great people for me to meet.

I have a lot of emotions about this semester from the sadness of possibly not ever seeing some of these students again, the gladness that all their drama is not in my life and in my dorm for the summer, and the emotion of not really having much of a life outside of this place.

I'm really looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me this summer. I don't really have much planned but with a willing servant heart who knows what will happen. :)

God knows!

Beth Moore said In His sovereign wisdom, God requires His children to exercise the will and action to deliberately take what He graciously gives. - He often lays out gifts but He wants us to push ourselves through the fear of ourselves..through the fear of failing...He will make sure that we get the gifts but we have to reach for it..we sometimes have to crawl through the fear and pain to get to it.
God is developing muscle in us to hang on, to defend what He gives us. He gives but we have to go get it. Take what we've been given. The enemy often plays "Chicken" with us. Hold straight. Trust the path. Do not look left or right. Stay straight and trust.

I typed this up several weeks ago in the midst of doing "The Inheritance" Beth Moore bible study. It obviously means a lot. Beth Moore is amazing. I read this again today and I laughed. Oh God...He is a funny guy! What Beth Moore shared with me a few months ago means so much now.
God not only gives us gifts and asks us to get off our lazy butts and go get them. But He does it again and again. It's funny after you crawl through a period of life and then stand with bloody elbows and dirt on your face...it's pretty great to realize that God got me through that!!...I'm too reserved, uneducated, and self conscious to have done that just by myself bc just by myself I wouldn't have done a thing. It was all Him.

Everyone has ups and downs...yes some of those ups are amazing for some people and for some it's just good times of wonderful contentment and yes some of those downs are harder on some people than others to an extent we may not understand.
"The will of God will never take you to where the grace of God will not protect you" is a quote I always reflect on. God rescues and protects me(us) from all harm. Psalm 91:9,10 If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling.
So no matter what crap we go through or what happiest of happy moments we get. God is the only thing that never changes. So even when we are searching for who we really are and who we are suppose to be in this world. God knows! We may think we do and sometimes we get real comfortable and confident about our path...sometimes when things are good and our heads get too big to get in the door...He throws in a kink to the plan...makes this life hard again. Well guess what...life is hard! It's going to be hard! Like Beth said...We have to exercise our faith. Keep building that muscle. Deflate that swollen head and come back to reality...it hurts a little less when we get slapped in the face if we have a God formed strong willed head on our shoulders.
We can't control what God or the world throws us. Sure we can hide from it. I do that sometimes. But even hiding doesn't change anything. God is still giving us gifts that we need to step up and take responsibility for. And the world always seeps into the cracks and finds us too. God placed us here to be a part of this place. There is a reason we are here now. Sometimes in the world the bad stands out and pull at us more than the good...but we got to stay strong, got to stay on that path, we can't look left or right and dwell on the bad, we have to stay straight on that path God lays for us each day!
1 Corinthians 2:9-10 says No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him...but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.

I say all this because I question my own path often. I'm not criticizing you for your life or your choices. I'm talking to myself mostly and maybe it will help you too.
But I get unsure because I still feel so new and I'm not this super Christian who breathes out scriptures (i have to research and look stuff up and then the next day I may have to look it up again) and I'm not real outspoken and still working on be comfortable with praying aloud. Yet God placed me in a situation that I have to speak up. That I have to help others in ways that I don't really know how. God has me here for a reason...His reasons not my own. Sometimes I see it...sometimes it takes a good friend to tell me what I can't see. But I'm on the path! I'm building muscle and holding tight. It's pretty scary at times! But He is working through me...ME. I don't feel like I deserve to be used to help others when I still have so much to work on myself...but it's not my choice. He knows what we are capable of. He gives those gifts and if we step up and take it He will use us when and where He needs us. He will reveal it to us by his Spirit!

Sorry if this is a little jumbled and confusing at times...I'm not a writer. I'm just a girl sharing a journey.

a single girl's heart

I believe and am proud that God has a glorious plan for me. I also believe that He knows the desires of my heart.

I believe that I am living the life that God wants me to live. Living for Him in all that I am and striving to learn more about Him with each day in his word and through His people. As I continue every day to surrender my need to be in control of this life to what He has in store for me.

With each year, with each holiday, with each wedding, with each child I see...I begin to wonder if God's plan for me is to live a single life of service toward Him. Of course I would be grateful and proud to do this and will if that is God's plan. Is that the desire of my heart though? No.

My desire is to have a wonderful male companion to share this life with who lives for God and together as one we are made whole. I don't believe myself to be too picky. I just want a man to love me for me but love God first.

But anywho, I stumbled across this article and I wanted to share because it speaks directly to what I am struggling with right now and maybe there are some out there that need this message as well. So here ya go:

Single Woman – Is there any hope for marriage?
As a single woman, have you ever considered the married couples you know and thought to yourself "I’m just as pretty as she is. Why don’t I have a husband, too? What’s wrong with me?" If you have ever had a thought like this, I want to assure you that you are not alone.

The desire to be married and have a husband and home to care for is deeply ingrained in us as women. While the prospect of being a wife is wonderful, the continual longing to be changed from a single woman to a married woman can be a heart-wrenching and miserable emotional time. I know.

I was single myself until the age of 41. I hoped, prayed, struggled, looked around at other women who were married, and compared myself with them countless times, wondering why I hadn’t been chosen as a wife yet. Since I am a Christian, my main thought was "I am following You, God, not dating anyone, waiting for You to choose a husband for me. I’ve behaved myself. How come You haven’t given me a husband, God?"

You may be asking yourself the same question. As a single woman, desiring to be married, should you trust God to give you a husband? Is marriage a state of being He has in mind for you? Does God care how difficult it is for you to wait for marriage? Will God change His mind about marriage being a good thing? Does God have plans for your life as a wife?

Single Woman – The Tough Questions
As a single woman, these are tough questions. Let’s look at them together and find some answers:

• As a single woman, desiring to be married, should you trust God to give you a husband?
• Is marriage a state of being that He has in mind for you?

To answer these questions let’s start by looking into God’s Word. In the book of Genesis 2:18, 21-22, we read: "And the LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him’. . . . So the LORD God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep. He took one of Adam's ribs and closed up the place from which he had taken it. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib and brought her to Adam."

Isn’t that great?! God designed marriage! He is the One who decided that it was not good for man to be alone. It is absolutely right that you, as a single woman, desire to be married. God created you that way. You were made, by God, to be a companion to your husband!

Once again, we can turn to the Bible for solid answers. In the book of 1 Peter 5:7, we read: "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you."

Does God care how difficult it is for you to wait for marriage?

You can talk with God about your desire to be married. He cares about how you feel and He is waiting for you to talk with Him about it. You can give all your concerns to Him and trust that He has your very best in mind.

In James 1:17-18, we read: "Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heaven's lights. Unlike them, he never changes or casts shifting shadows.”

Will God change His mind about marriage being a good thing

And in the book of Numbers 23:19, we read: "God is not a man, that he should lie. He is not a human, that he should change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through?"

Does God have plans for your life as a wife?

Absolutely! In the book of Proverbs 31:10-12, we read: "Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life."

We can continue reading about God’s plan for us as wives in verses 26-30: "When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions. She carefully watches all that goes on in her household and does not have to bear the consequences of laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: ‘There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!’ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised."

Single Woman – God’s Plan
As a recently married woman, I look back on the time when I was single and I see that God was working things out the whole time -- even when I thought He wasn’t there, or didn’t care how miserable I felt. I learned to trust Him and to tell Him all the things I was concerned about. You can also learn to trust God for marriage. It was His idea in the first place!

Check out this article 'Single Woman' and other great articles on www.allaboutlifechallenges.org



This helps a lot by simply reminding me that God is working through every little thing. Even through this 28 year old single woman's life to form and mold me to the woman and wife that one certain man needs one day. Maybe this girl just needs a little more molding.
Am I complaining about my life? No because I do enjoy this time. Do I wish it was different? Yes, but it will be what it is suppose to be until whenever God sees fit to change it.

That's my prayer tonight...that God's will be done and that I don't let myself or my needs or wants get in the way of His plan.

Give it all away

This song is my prayer today.

I've held on for all this time

To something that was never mine

I've kept Your love like there was none to spare

I've heard the call and seen the need

But I've been lost in apathy

When did I get to comfortable to care?

The world is crying out

So hungry for a change

Lord, let us be the ones to say

Take my heart

Lord I pray

That I can give it all away

Let me give it all away

Cause I long to feel compassion

For a world that needs Your grace

Take my heart

I want to give it all away

You have filled this empty soul

With mercy that has overflowed

The way You give to me seems so unfair

So here is my life it's all for the one

Who gave it all in the name of love

Now this hope You give to me

I've got to share

The world is crying out

So hungry for a change

Lord, let us be the ones to say

Take my heart

Lord, I pray

That I can give it all away

Let me give it all away

Cause I long to feel compassion

For a world that needs Your grace

Take my heart

I want to give it all away

Let us be the change

Let us be Your light

Let us be Your hope

And let us give it all away

Let us be the change

Let us be Your light

Let us be Your hope

I want to give it all...

So, take my heart

Lord, I pray

That I can give it all away

Let me give it all away

Cause I long to feel compassion

For a world that needs Your grace

Take my heart

I want to give it all away

Take my heart

I want to give it all away

Take my heart

I want to give...

I've held on for all this time

To something that was never mine.

"Give it all away" by Sidewalk Prophets

the little things

My prayers this week have been geared toward a couple of things but mostly geared toward the future. I have been praying for CBC, it's growth, how we are going to deal with the growth that is coming whether we like it or not, and that it grows for the glory of God. Also I have been praying for my place here at CBC and what's next for me.

I recently came to the conclusion that at work even at CBC I am so concentrated on what I am expected and required to do for my job and not what God needs me to do. A few months back I used my job as an excuse to not go on a mission trip. So now I'm putting aside me and even though my job is important, I'm going to do what God needs me to do and stop making excuses. With that conclusion brought on the prayer for my place at CBC. I love this place truly but am I helping? Is God using me here? I'm not sure...I can't really see it. I would never leave just to leave. I don't desire to leave CBC and hope God keeps me here but I am just not sure what he has in store for me or if He is using me here or if I'm just here because I'm comfortable here.

Listening to a song..."I Stand" by Idina Menzel it just described exactly what I feel right now.
Here are the lyrics:

When you ask me, who I am:
What is my vision? And do I have a plan?
Where is my strength? Have I nothing to say?
I hear the words in my head, but I push them away.

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

And I don't know
What tomorrow brings
The road less traveled
Will it set us free?
Cause we are taking it slow,
These tiny legacies.
I don't try and change the world;
But what will you make of me?

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

With the slightest of breezes
We fall just like leaves
As the rain washes us from the ground
We forget who we are
We can't see in the dark
And we quickly get lost in the crowd

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

I was reminded of this song on Thursday night and it has been on my mind. I don't know what's next. I don't have a plan. I do know God has a better place and he will be the hero that saves me and takes me to that better place one day.

Anywho, Friday night a friend in just casual conversation talks about how we as humans tend to forget that God uses us in not only the big ways but often in little bitty ways that we tend to forget about or that we may not even be aware of yet. - That is exactly what I needed to hear! See I was praying that God lead me to my big thing. That God show me where He needs me to work or serve to accomplish big things for Him. My friend reminded that The little things matter! The little things we do that we may not be aware that make a difference..they matter and are very important!

This world makes a big deal out of the big things..the big accomplishments...forgetting and not recognizing the little things that may be changing lives.. so naturally as humans we desire to be recognized for a big accomplishment(s) in our life. I had myself convinced that I need to do big things for God for Him to recognize it...to be working truly for Him that I needed to be doing big things. Serving in a Big way...So silly, I know, like God would love me less if I didn't do something big. I just know that I am capable of doing so much more than I am. I just don't feel God leading me to do anything different right now. But I've struggled with the thought of is God leading me and I am not accepting what he wants me to do bc I'm scared or does he have me where he needs me right now doing what he needs me to do.

Today in bible study as we discussed spiritual gifts we read
1 Corinthians 12:4-7
- There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.

Then Ephesians 1:11-12
- In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.

Then Ephesians 1:18 (Paul is praying)
- I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.

It was so funny because all these verses were touching home for me today...what has been on my mind about the ME part of my prayer this week I felt like God was telling me that I'm being used in small ways and that's ok. That's how He is working through me right now. He works out everything and I have been predestined to do works for Him even the little things that I may not see. Paul's prayer really did help enlighten the eyes of my heart to piece things together so that I may be reminded of God's grace.

Today after Beth Moore spoke of the many spiritual gifts, I was asking myself what is my true spiritual gift....I don't really know. I have never seen myself as gifted in one certain area. If someone was to ask me to write my one spiritual gift...i really don't think i could write anything.
Maybe others see it, but I just don't. I'm sure God is using qualities of my personality and heart for Him...I just can't name that one spiritual gift. Is that bad?

We often are trying to seek recognition and a pat on the back for our good works...
We've already received our gifts/our pat on the back...our gift was salvation through Jesus Christ..now we are just to serve in thanks to God for that. That's the least we can do.

But...after being reminded from scripture and my friend...God sees those little things. The little things that are working through me for Him to help people that I may never know that I helped. God sees it and that's all I needed to hear.

None of us are insignificant. Whether our gifts or actions big or small. God knows our true heart. We just have to keep our heart in the right place and don't let the evil one or this world convince us that we are anything less than significant in God's eyes.

Lord, you are so amazing how you present things to us right when we need to hear them. Thank you!


p.s.-....this blog is kind of all over the place at times and I apologize...I just reread it and decided that I'm just going to leave it and say....welcome to my mind :)

He out gives

Our God will always out give anything He takes.
- Beth Moore stated this in her 'The Inheritance' bible study.
For some reason this morning sitting in bible study, I really needed to hear this.

I've been thinking about my Granny Grace Gaines a lot lately. Just her name makes me cry.
She was such an AMAZING woman of God. Whenever I hear someone refer to God's grace, I immediately think of her...God's Grace. I know that is not what the preacher is talking about but it's always what comes to mind. Also whenever I hear the song Amazing Grace, I think of her....unending love, amazing Grace.

She really was amazing. Serving others was something she did her entire life until cancer hindered her from getting out of bed to do so. I remember her serving at church, at the nursing home, in so many organizations that I can't even remember them all. She was constantly serving the neighbors, and all her kids and grand kids even those that took advantage of her service and kindness. She did it anyway. She didn't want any recognition...she didn't want any money...she just did it bc that's who God made her to be. I looked up to her so much then and still now and love and miss her so very much!

I remember like it was yesterday when we were in the hospital and the doctor came out to tell us that the cancer had spread so much in her that there was no more they could do...it was a long hard battle for her and watching her die was so tough. Even though I knew she was going to die, it was still so hard to let go.

The day of her funeral I was holding back the tears as usual..trying to be strong. When a friend of mine started singing Amazing Grace as asked to do so by my uncle. I remember bursting into tears and sobbing uncontrollably before she got to the chorus. God's Amazing Grace..the sweet sound of her voice..who brought me to believe the love of God. I didn't want to say good bye to that. But I did what I had to do. I didn't go to church for a year after that and it was 3 years before I stepped foot in her church again. I can't remember why. I guess because I didn't want to be there without her. It wasnt that I was mad at God..I don't ever remember being mad. I know and knew she's in heaven with my Papa and Jesus right where she belongs. She lived a great life here on earth so I understood that God just called her home.

Someone told me the other day that I have many of the same qualities that Mrs. Grace Gaines did. I just smiled, shrugged off like I disagreed, and said thank you. It took everything in my power to not burst into tears. I am so far away from the amazing woman that she was. I can only pray that God blesses me with being half the woman she was.

so...back to that quote...Our God will always out give anything He takes.
He took a Godly woman out of my life 12 years ago....when at that time she was the only Godly influence in my life it seemed. Well even if it took 12 years for God to out give what He took from me even though He will never replace my granny...He has placed some Amazing Godly women in my life today...not just one...not just two...A LOT!
Just to name a few...Paige, Alicia, Rhonda, Betty, Deborah Grace, Danielle, Seana, Meagan East, Meagan Youngblood, Sancy.....I could keep listing because there are so many beautifully designed Godly women in my life that I admire and adore.
These women some young in their walk and some much more wise in faith are so awesome! God's light shines through them whether they know it or not. I see it daily. And the light that they hold has helped me walk through the darkest times...the light of God shone through a friend. Some of them don't even know how much they have helped me by just being themselves...by just being kind. Others, I've told a million times and are probably tired of me constantly reminding them. :)

In a previous blog I mentioned that sometimes I feel like the only support team I have is just God...well, I was totally wrong. It may not be the kind of support team that I want bc I'm not leading that team to control what it does or which direction it goes...God is! I know that it's the kind of support team that God wants me to have.

I am so thankful that God out gives...He has been so gracious to me!
I know I don't deserve all that He has given me but He has blessed me so very much.

Lord, thank you!!!

Kindness

Kindness is not a weakness, Sarah. Kindness is not a weakness.

It's funny that even weeks later after the Beth Moore simulcast that this is on my mind because I have to remind myself of this sometimes.

In a job interview once I actually listed being too kind as one of my weaknesses.

Why do I think this?
I guess because this world especially the business world displays kindness as a weakness most of the time. When something goes wrong, this world immediately wants to attach it..criticize it for it's action...condemn and punish. So if someone is kind to those people during that time some individuals see kindness as a weakness to not be able make right what was wrong. I just disagree with that approach to the problem. Often when something goes wrong or if someone or something seems like it is going bad or causing a stir, I often wonder what is going on in the heart of the problems source. As a person dealing with a lot of girls, I have found it true that often someone that is always in the middle of trouble or starting drama or leading most arguments are the ones that need loved the most. They are crying out. Often those actions are turning people away but really they are just needing love.

As Christians we (i'm talking to myself too) need to quit running away from the fire and the fight but instead run right into it and trust that God will equip us with what we need to do his work to love on others and to make it out of this challenge glorifying Him.

I'm not perfect by any means and sometimes even I am guilty of pushing people away and/or filling my life with more work and distractions during my hardest and toughest times just because my heart hurts too much to face reality. Sometimes we push people away when we really are just hoping that the people in our lives will pull us back..show us that we are needed and wanted and cared for. But when no one is pulling you back..when no one is showing you that you are needed, doesn't it break your heart...it does mine!
Personally it makes me feel as if I am not showing God's light enough that makes people need me or want me in their life and that is a painful truth. It also breaks my heart to learn that even though people voice their love and/or friendship with me publicly that when i reach out or need building up that they aren't even looking my direction to see that my cup is empty. God always fills it enough so I can make it through the days though.

God sends us to be support teams for each other. I often wonder, what if my team is just me and God...it sure does make life harder on earth but I can't complain about this kind of pain. God sent His only son to die for us! Jesus was beaten, tortured, spitted upon then nailed through each hand and feet and then he hung on those nails and bled and died for us...now that's pain...
why do we complain...i have no grounds for complaint bc mine does not compare to His.

He never said that this life would be easy. He just said He'd see us through it.

Beth Moore did say that kindness wears down when we do. I think this often happens to me. I can feel myself wearing down now and since I love building others up, encouraging, and helping whenever I can...i'm draining my cup...yet daily i still have enough to encourage someone else... And it's those times when no one is there to help me up that I cry out to God the most. He is the best support and encourager of all. I'm thankful He's on my team. :)

I often don't voice my hurts or troubles to people. I think mainly because I'm being too kind. I try to help and want everyone to be happy and have great days so I don't share my pain because I think why bother them with my troubles..that just makes the day gloomy. If I talk about my pain, it often brings tears (the joys of being a girl). As a youth my dad scolded me and scolded me that crying shows weakness and we should be strong. So I became this strong girl that kept my tears for my pillow after the lights go out at night for no one to know about. It really is a hard habit to break out of. I want to be more open with my emotions but it's a work in progress.

Kindness....do i believe that it's not a weakness...I'm working on it.