Give it all away

This song is my prayer today.

I've held on for all this time

To something that was never mine

I've kept Your love like there was none to spare

I've heard the call and seen the need

But I've been lost in apathy

When did I get to comfortable to care?

The world is crying out

So hungry for a change

Lord, let us be the ones to say

Take my heart

Lord I pray

That I can give it all away

Let me give it all away

Cause I long to feel compassion

For a world that needs Your grace

Take my heart

I want to give it all away

You have filled this empty soul

With mercy that has overflowed

The way You give to me seems so unfair

So here is my life it's all for the one

Who gave it all in the name of love

Now this hope You give to me

I've got to share

The world is crying out

So hungry for a change

Lord, let us be the ones to say

Take my heart

Lord, I pray

That I can give it all away

Let me give it all away

Cause I long to feel compassion

For a world that needs Your grace

Take my heart

I want to give it all away

Let us be the change

Let us be Your light

Let us be Your hope

And let us give it all away

Let us be the change

Let us be Your light

Let us be Your hope

I want to give it all...

So, take my heart

Lord, I pray

That I can give it all away

Let me give it all away

Cause I long to feel compassion

For a world that needs Your grace

Take my heart

I want to give it all away

Take my heart

I want to give it all away

Take my heart

I want to give...

I've held on for all this time

To something that was never mine.

"Give it all away" by Sidewalk Prophets

the little things

My prayers this week have been geared toward a couple of things but mostly geared toward the future. I have been praying for CBC, it's growth, how we are going to deal with the growth that is coming whether we like it or not, and that it grows for the glory of God. Also I have been praying for my place here at CBC and what's next for me.

I recently came to the conclusion that at work even at CBC I am so concentrated on what I am expected and required to do for my job and not what God needs me to do. A few months back I used my job as an excuse to not go on a mission trip. So now I'm putting aside me and even though my job is important, I'm going to do what God needs me to do and stop making excuses. With that conclusion brought on the prayer for my place at CBC. I love this place truly but am I helping? Is God using me here? I'm not sure...I can't really see it. I would never leave just to leave. I don't desire to leave CBC and hope God keeps me here but I am just not sure what he has in store for me or if He is using me here or if I'm just here because I'm comfortable here.

Listening to a song..."I Stand" by Idina Menzel it just described exactly what I feel right now.
Here are the lyrics:

When you ask me, who I am:
What is my vision? And do I have a plan?
Where is my strength? Have I nothing to say?
I hear the words in my head, but I push them away.

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

And I don't know
What tomorrow brings
The road less traveled
Will it set us free?
Cause we are taking it slow,
These tiny legacies.
I don't try and change the world;
But what will you make of me?

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

With the slightest of breezes
We fall just like leaves
As the rain washes us from the ground
We forget who we are
We can't see in the dark
And we quickly get lost in the crowd

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

I was reminded of this song on Thursday night and it has been on my mind. I don't know what's next. I don't have a plan. I do know God has a better place and he will be the hero that saves me and takes me to that better place one day.

Anywho, Friday night a friend in just casual conversation talks about how we as humans tend to forget that God uses us in not only the big ways but often in little bitty ways that we tend to forget about or that we may not even be aware of yet. - That is exactly what I needed to hear! See I was praying that God lead me to my big thing. That God show me where He needs me to work or serve to accomplish big things for Him. My friend reminded that The little things matter! The little things we do that we may not be aware that make a difference..they matter and are very important!

This world makes a big deal out of the big things..the big accomplishments...forgetting and not recognizing the little things that may be changing lives.. so naturally as humans we desire to be recognized for a big accomplishment(s) in our life. I had myself convinced that I need to do big things for God for Him to recognize it...to be working truly for Him that I needed to be doing big things. Serving in a Big way...So silly, I know, like God would love me less if I didn't do something big. I just know that I am capable of doing so much more than I am. I just don't feel God leading me to do anything different right now. But I've struggled with the thought of is God leading me and I am not accepting what he wants me to do bc I'm scared or does he have me where he needs me right now doing what he needs me to do.

Today in bible study as we discussed spiritual gifts we read
1 Corinthians 12:4-7
- There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.

Then Ephesians 1:11-12
- In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.

Then Ephesians 1:18 (Paul is praying)
- I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.

It was so funny because all these verses were touching home for me today...what has been on my mind about the ME part of my prayer this week I felt like God was telling me that I'm being used in small ways and that's ok. That's how He is working through me right now. He works out everything and I have been predestined to do works for Him even the little things that I may not see. Paul's prayer really did help enlighten the eyes of my heart to piece things together so that I may be reminded of God's grace.

Today after Beth Moore spoke of the many spiritual gifts, I was asking myself what is my true spiritual gift....I don't really know. I have never seen myself as gifted in one certain area. If someone was to ask me to write my one spiritual gift...i really don't think i could write anything.
Maybe others see it, but I just don't. I'm sure God is using qualities of my personality and heart for Him...I just can't name that one spiritual gift. Is that bad?

We often are trying to seek recognition and a pat on the back for our good works...
We've already received our gifts/our pat on the back...our gift was salvation through Jesus Christ..now we are just to serve in thanks to God for that. That's the least we can do.

But...after being reminded from scripture and my friend...God sees those little things. The little things that are working through me for Him to help people that I may never know that I helped. God sees it and that's all I needed to hear.

None of us are insignificant. Whether our gifts or actions big or small. God knows our true heart. We just have to keep our heart in the right place and don't let the evil one or this world convince us that we are anything less than significant in God's eyes.

Lord, you are so amazing how you present things to us right when we need to hear them. Thank you!


p.s.-....this blog is kind of all over the place at times and I apologize...I just reread it and decided that I'm just going to leave it and say....welcome to my mind :)

He out gives

Our God will always out give anything He takes.
- Beth Moore stated this in her 'The Inheritance' bible study.
For some reason this morning sitting in bible study, I really needed to hear this.

I've been thinking about my Granny Grace Gaines a lot lately. Just her name makes me cry.
She was such an AMAZING woman of God. Whenever I hear someone refer to God's grace, I immediately think of her...God's Grace. I know that is not what the preacher is talking about but it's always what comes to mind. Also whenever I hear the song Amazing Grace, I think of her....unending love, amazing Grace.

She really was amazing. Serving others was something she did her entire life until cancer hindered her from getting out of bed to do so. I remember her serving at church, at the nursing home, in so many organizations that I can't even remember them all. She was constantly serving the neighbors, and all her kids and grand kids even those that took advantage of her service and kindness. She did it anyway. She didn't want any recognition...she didn't want any money...she just did it bc that's who God made her to be. I looked up to her so much then and still now and love and miss her so very much!

I remember like it was yesterday when we were in the hospital and the doctor came out to tell us that the cancer had spread so much in her that there was no more they could do...it was a long hard battle for her and watching her die was so tough. Even though I knew she was going to die, it was still so hard to let go.

The day of her funeral I was holding back the tears as usual..trying to be strong. When a friend of mine started singing Amazing Grace as asked to do so by my uncle. I remember bursting into tears and sobbing uncontrollably before she got to the chorus. God's Amazing Grace..the sweet sound of her voice..who brought me to believe the love of God. I didn't want to say good bye to that. But I did what I had to do. I didn't go to church for a year after that and it was 3 years before I stepped foot in her church again. I can't remember why. I guess because I didn't want to be there without her. It wasnt that I was mad at God..I don't ever remember being mad. I know and knew she's in heaven with my Papa and Jesus right where she belongs. She lived a great life here on earth so I understood that God just called her home.

Someone told me the other day that I have many of the same qualities that Mrs. Grace Gaines did. I just smiled, shrugged off like I disagreed, and said thank you. It took everything in my power to not burst into tears. I am so far away from the amazing woman that she was. I can only pray that God blesses me with being half the woman she was.

so...back to that quote...Our God will always out give anything He takes.
He took a Godly woman out of my life 12 years ago....when at that time she was the only Godly influence in my life it seemed. Well even if it took 12 years for God to out give what He took from me even though He will never replace my granny...He has placed some Amazing Godly women in my life today...not just one...not just two...A LOT!
Just to name a few...Paige, Alicia, Rhonda, Betty, Deborah Grace, Danielle, Seana, Meagan East, Meagan Youngblood, Sancy.....I could keep listing because there are so many beautifully designed Godly women in my life that I admire and adore.
These women some young in their walk and some much more wise in faith are so awesome! God's light shines through them whether they know it or not. I see it daily. And the light that they hold has helped me walk through the darkest times...the light of God shone through a friend. Some of them don't even know how much they have helped me by just being themselves...by just being kind. Others, I've told a million times and are probably tired of me constantly reminding them. :)

In a previous blog I mentioned that sometimes I feel like the only support team I have is just God...well, I was totally wrong. It may not be the kind of support team that I want bc I'm not leading that team to control what it does or which direction it goes...God is! I know that it's the kind of support team that God wants me to have.

I am so thankful that God out gives...He has been so gracious to me!
I know I don't deserve all that He has given me but He has blessed me so very much.

Lord, thank you!!!

Kindness

Kindness is not a weakness, Sarah. Kindness is not a weakness.

It's funny that even weeks later after the Beth Moore simulcast that this is on my mind because I have to remind myself of this sometimes.

In a job interview once I actually listed being too kind as one of my weaknesses.

Why do I think this?
I guess because this world especially the business world displays kindness as a weakness most of the time. When something goes wrong, this world immediately wants to attach it..criticize it for it's action...condemn and punish. So if someone is kind to those people during that time some individuals see kindness as a weakness to not be able make right what was wrong. I just disagree with that approach to the problem. Often when something goes wrong or if someone or something seems like it is going bad or causing a stir, I often wonder what is going on in the heart of the problems source. As a person dealing with a lot of girls, I have found it true that often someone that is always in the middle of trouble or starting drama or leading most arguments are the ones that need loved the most. They are crying out. Often those actions are turning people away but really they are just needing love.

As Christians we (i'm talking to myself too) need to quit running away from the fire and the fight but instead run right into it and trust that God will equip us with what we need to do his work to love on others and to make it out of this challenge glorifying Him.

I'm not perfect by any means and sometimes even I am guilty of pushing people away and/or filling my life with more work and distractions during my hardest and toughest times just because my heart hurts too much to face reality. Sometimes we push people away when we really are just hoping that the people in our lives will pull us back..show us that we are needed and wanted and cared for. But when no one is pulling you back..when no one is showing you that you are needed, doesn't it break your heart...it does mine!
Personally it makes me feel as if I am not showing God's light enough that makes people need me or want me in their life and that is a painful truth. It also breaks my heart to learn that even though people voice their love and/or friendship with me publicly that when i reach out or need building up that they aren't even looking my direction to see that my cup is empty. God always fills it enough so I can make it through the days though.

God sends us to be support teams for each other. I often wonder, what if my team is just me and God...it sure does make life harder on earth but I can't complain about this kind of pain. God sent His only son to die for us! Jesus was beaten, tortured, spitted upon then nailed through each hand and feet and then he hung on those nails and bled and died for us...now that's pain...
why do we complain...i have no grounds for complaint bc mine does not compare to His.

He never said that this life would be easy. He just said He'd see us through it.

Beth Moore did say that kindness wears down when we do. I think this often happens to me. I can feel myself wearing down now and since I love building others up, encouraging, and helping whenever I can...i'm draining my cup...yet daily i still have enough to encourage someone else... And it's those times when no one is there to help me up that I cry out to God the most. He is the best support and encourager of all. I'm thankful He's on my team. :)

I often don't voice my hurts or troubles to people. I think mainly because I'm being too kind. I try to help and want everyone to be happy and have great days so I don't share my pain because I think why bother them with my troubles..that just makes the day gloomy. If I talk about my pain, it often brings tears (the joys of being a girl). As a youth my dad scolded me and scolded me that crying shows weakness and we should be strong. So I became this strong girl that kept my tears for my pillow after the lights go out at night for no one to know about. It really is a hard habit to break out of. I want to be more open with my emotions but it's a work in progress.

Kindness....do i believe that it's not a weakness...I'm working on it.

Pity Party

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry to if it happened to you.

As the tears continued to flow Friday evening, a friend reminded me of that song. It was so appropriate for my pity party. lol

Again I chose to listen when the devil whispered. Again I pleaded, WHY? Why am I alone? Why do none of my friends seem to care? Why...Why...Why?

-What a baby! What am I, 2 years old? So many questions and even when given the answer...even when I know the answer, I still ask why.

God reminded me...."Sarah, it's not about you. This world isn't here to help you fulfill your needs and wants. These people aren't here for You. It's about God. It's all here for Him because of Him. Sarah, you are here to serve Him and everything else is just to help you or strengthen you along the way." It was a nice smack in the face by God.

My friend told me that we are all allowed to have a pity party every once in a while...is it bad that mine has lasted a week.
I think it's over now. :)

He says serve!

God uses all kinds of things to speak to us. Like Mandisa's song God Speaking says - Who knows how He'll get ahold of us, get our attention to prove He is enough. He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to to tell us 'I Love You'. So as this song brought tears to my eyes this afternoon as I reflected on the morning service and music that the lyrics just dwelled in my heart and mind. He was pretty much telling me.."Hey, do you not see that I am speaking to you?"

Tonight I went to church for FAD and as many nights the music itself brings me to my knees as it speaks directly to my heart. After the music, we watched a video of a sermon that was preached the Sunday after 9/11..Run for Your Life. As humans we tend to run away from our problems..run away from everything we are afraid of...we should all be like many of the firemen and policemen during 9/11 that as everyone was running away they were running towards the chaos...running to help those in need.
This spoke so clearly... that we need to "Stop!" If we don't attempt to help the people that need it, then the building (or the devil) will come crashing down on them and kill them. Shouldn't we at least Try to help them.

God has really spoke to me today through songs..through the messages at Fellowship Bible Church both this morning and this evening...through that video...that it just clicked**God is speaking. He is telling me that I need to serve. I mean sure I serve some but not like He has called me to serve. I can think of a thousand excuses not to because heaven forbid my work schedule allow anything else to be added to my life but that is just not a good excuse to use to not serve.

I remember about a month ago one Sunday morning in service Bro. Ken spoke of going to Nicaragua on a mission trip and that they needed a few more people to come along not to teach but to just love on the kids and do arts and crafts and things. God started stirring in my heart then. He was telling me 'Hey Sarah, you can and should totally do that!". But knowing that it was mid-semester, I disregarded this rumbling in my heart and didn't think more about going on this trip. I didn't even ask about it.
Well... He is still rumbling in my heart. Maybe not to Nicaragua in October but He is calling me to as Galatians 5:13 says 'You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.'

So now that I finally get the message...what do I do now?

If you know me, I am not very outspoken...I'm not one to lead much conversation. It's not that I am unable or unwilling. It is just my nature to listen and take in, to comfort, and to love more than to speak. Yes, I need to be more outspoken because quietness does turn some people away. Anywho, my point is that clearly I am not called to minister the word to the nations...but it doesn't mean that I can't show them that God loves every one of us! The past few years He has really taught me how to love better and more willingly to love everyone that comes into my life. However, He is still helping and teaching me to love without expecting love in return (that's the hard part).
1 Peter 4:10-11 says "As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. Whoever speaks, let him speak, as it were, the utterances of God; whoever serves, let him do so as by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen."

I don't know what this means for me...or for my future. I don't know if He wants me to stay at CBC forever or if He will send me elsewhere. I am not going to say that I am definitely going on or not going on a mission trip. I chose to not take that opportunity when He stirred in my heart to go and who knows if He will give me that urge again. But there are people to serve everywhere in this world even just down the street, in this dorm, in this state, and even in our church. I do not know what He holds for my life but I know I will serve Him until the day I die and He takes me home.
Matthew 24:36 says - “However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows."

My response is that I can only try not to use my daily life as an excuse to not listen when God speaks and calls me. I must keep listening and be open to all possibilities to serve Him, for Him, and through Him.

The devil whispers

It's been a month...I am slacking on my blogging....I've had a few days here and there that I had a lot I wanted to share but never got the time to actually sit down to do it.

Work at CBC has really been life consuming this past month. Cramming to finish all the housing stuff in order to get ready for move in.. was stressful but we knew God would be there to make it all come together. Then the kick off of school and activities and clubs...lots of work.

God blessed me with an AMAZING staff of RAs though. They are wonderful people and great Godly women! Yes, many of them I knew pretty good going into RA training but I learned so much more about them that week...about their heart! It just amazes me these wonderful college students and their walk with God. I wasn't bad when I was in college but I was no where near where they are! They blessed me so much just in the first week...it's going to be a great year! God is definitely working through these students whether they know it or not. His light is shining through them so brightly.

After praying so much for this semester, the students, and our jobs...the first week of school 2 people were saved. It also reopened my eyes to the fact that everyone we encounter in our lives don't own a bible. The 2 girls that were saved didn't...many people on each floor doesn't personally own a bible. So I was for sure that as a group, our faculty and staff had bibles they could donate so I sent out an email. It's amazing the bibles that rolled in and that were purchased. With these we can start with our students and hopefully (if approved) we would like to take what is left out to the streets to people in need. One of our chapel speakers, Dustin Wisely, mentioned that we can only argue and/or tell about our beliefs with people to a certain extent but the best defense..the best tool to sharing God is to share His word..to share the Bible.

This past few weeks even though I am working for a Christian college and surrounded by God daily, I feel like I've dug myself in a rut it seems. Concentrating on work and activities and these kids...not on me...not on God! I mean I haven't just gone savage...I pray daily in many situations and for many people. I just haven't been living to seek Him and to always study and strive to become closer to Him...I feel like I've dug myself in a rut of comfort. I know He's there kinda thing....I know He's working...I see Him moving in these kids as they are growing here...a comfort rut as to why-change-a-good-thing attitude.

I have a bad habit of setting Me aside and helping and making sure everyone else around me is ok and help i like to help work on them. Then my own problems, worries, fears, thoughts just constantly start building up in my mind preventing me from getting good rest when I actually have down time. Then the devil starts whispering in my ear telling me that I'm not good enough..that my friends don't really care (I know they do. It's the silent times when I'm alone that the devil whispers these things in my ear)..that if i can't keep/get my friends to love me then why would a man want to love me...that no one cares that i enjoy doing things for people(if they don't respond with even acting grateful, is it worth it?)...that I shouldnt be at a job that I am totally not qualified to do.

So I know that I should do this more often than when I'm hurting but...I embedded myself in scripture. God spoke directly through His word (even some common scriptures jumped out) which is what has helped me work through what's dwelling in my heart.

Verses that stood out:
Phillipians 4:13(For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength)

...and Proverbs 3:5 (Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding)

...and Luke 6:35(...do good to them, and lend to them without expecting anything back...)

...and Isaiah 41:10(So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.)

...and of course Philippians 4:6-7(Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus!!)

...and we can't forget Romans 5:8(But God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.)

Now you know the troubles in my heart.
At least one week out of the month, I beat myself up more..I listen harder to that devil whispering in my ear..I cry because I feel unworthy.
It's going to be ok though...because deep down I know that God already won this fight for us. I'm not worthy but He sent His son anyways. I just need to try harder to seek Him and to study His word daily..not just for inspirational purposes.

As a sinner...as a person falling to the feet of Christ asking from forgiveness yet again...as a friend, I ask for prayers not just for me but for everyone around us that the devil seems to be whispering to. For those who may not turn to His word for uplifting reminders. For everyone to be reminded that God has got our back. :) That even though we are not worthy of His love...He loves us anyways!
Thanks, I love you!