a single girl's heart

I believe and am proud that God has a glorious plan for me. I also believe that He knows the desires of my heart.

I believe that I am living the life that God wants me to live. Living for Him in all that I am and striving to learn more about Him with each day in his word and through His people. As I continue every day to surrender my need to be in control of this life to what He has in store for me.

With each year, with each holiday, with each wedding, with each child I see...I begin to wonder if God's plan for me is to live a single life of service toward Him. Of course I would be grateful and proud to do this and will if that is God's plan. Is that the desire of my heart though? No.

My desire is to have a wonderful male companion to share this life with who lives for God and together as one we are made whole. I don't believe myself to be too picky. I just want a man to love me for me but love God first.

But anywho, I stumbled across this article and I wanted to share because it speaks directly to what I am struggling with right now and maybe there are some out there that need this message as well. So here ya go:

Single Woman – Is there any hope for marriage?
As a single woman, have you ever considered the married couples you know and thought to yourself "I’m just as pretty as she is. Why don’t I have a husband, too? What’s wrong with me?" If you have ever had a thought like this, I want to assure you that you are not alone.

The desire to be married and have a husband and home to care for is deeply ingrained in us as women. While the prospect of being a wife is wonderful, the continual longing to be changed from a single woman to a married woman can be a heart-wrenching and miserable emotional time. I know.

I was single myself until the age of 41. I hoped, prayed, struggled, looked around at other women who were married, and compared myself with them countless times, wondering why I hadn’t been chosen as a wife yet. Since I am a Christian, my main thought was "I am following You, God, not dating anyone, waiting for You to choose a husband for me. I’ve behaved myself. How come You haven’t given me a husband, God?"

You may be asking yourself the same question. As a single woman, desiring to be married, should you trust God to give you a husband? Is marriage a state of being He has in mind for you? Does God care how difficult it is for you to wait for marriage? Will God change His mind about marriage being a good thing? Does God have plans for your life as a wife?

Single Woman – The Tough Questions
As a single woman, these are tough questions. Let’s look at them together and find some answers:

• As a single woman, desiring to be married, should you trust God to give you a husband?
• Is marriage a state of being that He has in mind for you?

To answer these questions let’s start by looking into God’s Word. In the book of Genesis 2:18, 21-22, we read: "And the LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him’. . . . So the LORD God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep. He took one of Adam's ribs and closed up the place from which he had taken it. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib and brought her to Adam."

Isn’t that great?! God designed marriage! He is the One who decided that it was not good for man to be alone. It is absolutely right that you, as a single woman, desire to be married. God created you that way. You were made, by God, to be a companion to your husband!

Once again, we can turn to the Bible for solid answers. In the book of 1 Peter 5:7, we read: "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you."

Does God care how difficult it is for you to wait for marriage?

You can talk with God about your desire to be married. He cares about how you feel and He is waiting for you to talk with Him about it. You can give all your concerns to Him and trust that He has your very best in mind.

In James 1:17-18, we read: "Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heaven's lights. Unlike them, he never changes or casts shifting shadows.”

Will God change His mind about marriage being a good thing

And in the book of Numbers 23:19, we read: "God is not a man, that he should lie. He is not a human, that he should change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through?"

Does God have plans for your life as a wife?

Absolutely! In the book of Proverbs 31:10-12, we read: "Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life."

We can continue reading about God’s plan for us as wives in verses 26-30: "When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions. She carefully watches all that goes on in her household and does not have to bear the consequences of laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: ‘There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!’ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised."

Single Woman – God’s Plan
As a recently married woman, I look back on the time when I was single and I see that God was working things out the whole time -- even when I thought He wasn’t there, or didn’t care how miserable I felt. I learned to trust Him and to tell Him all the things I was concerned about. You can also learn to trust God for marriage. It was His idea in the first place!

Check out this article 'Single Woman' and other great articles on www.allaboutlifechallenges.org



This helps a lot by simply reminding me that God is working through every little thing. Even through this 28 year old single woman's life to form and mold me to the woman and wife that one certain man needs one day. Maybe this girl just needs a little more molding.
Am I complaining about my life? No because I do enjoy this time. Do I wish it was different? Yes, but it will be what it is suppose to be until whenever God sees fit to change it.

That's my prayer tonight...that God's will be done and that I don't let myself or my needs or wants get in the way of His plan.

Give it all away

This song is my prayer today.

I've held on for all this time

To something that was never mine

I've kept Your love like there was none to spare

I've heard the call and seen the need

But I've been lost in apathy

When did I get to comfortable to care?

The world is crying out

So hungry for a change

Lord, let us be the ones to say

Take my heart

Lord I pray

That I can give it all away

Let me give it all away

Cause I long to feel compassion

For a world that needs Your grace

Take my heart

I want to give it all away

You have filled this empty soul

With mercy that has overflowed

The way You give to me seems so unfair

So here is my life it's all for the one

Who gave it all in the name of love

Now this hope You give to me

I've got to share

The world is crying out

So hungry for a change

Lord, let us be the ones to say

Take my heart

Lord, I pray

That I can give it all away

Let me give it all away

Cause I long to feel compassion

For a world that needs Your grace

Take my heart

I want to give it all away

Let us be the change

Let us be Your light

Let us be Your hope

And let us give it all away

Let us be the change

Let us be Your light

Let us be Your hope

I want to give it all...

So, take my heart

Lord, I pray

That I can give it all away

Let me give it all away

Cause I long to feel compassion

For a world that needs Your grace

Take my heart

I want to give it all away

Take my heart

I want to give it all away

Take my heart

I want to give...

I've held on for all this time

To something that was never mine.

"Give it all away" by Sidewalk Prophets

the little things

My prayers this week have been geared toward a couple of things but mostly geared toward the future. I have been praying for CBC, it's growth, how we are going to deal with the growth that is coming whether we like it or not, and that it grows for the glory of God. Also I have been praying for my place here at CBC and what's next for me.

I recently came to the conclusion that at work even at CBC I am so concentrated on what I am expected and required to do for my job and not what God needs me to do. A few months back I used my job as an excuse to not go on a mission trip. So now I'm putting aside me and even though my job is important, I'm going to do what God needs me to do and stop making excuses. With that conclusion brought on the prayer for my place at CBC. I love this place truly but am I helping? Is God using me here? I'm not sure...I can't really see it. I would never leave just to leave. I don't desire to leave CBC and hope God keeps me here but I am just not sure what he has in store for me or if He is using me here or if I'm just here because I'm comfortable here.

Listening to a song..."I Stand" by Idina Menzel it just described exactly what I feel right now.
Here are the lyrics:

When you ask me, who I am:
What is my vision? And do I have a plan?
Where is my strength? Have I nothing to say?
I hear the words in my head, but I push them away.

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

And I don't know
What tomorrow brings
The road less traveled
Will it set us free?
Cause we are taking it slow,
These tiny legacies.
I don't try and change the world;
But what will you make of me?

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

With the slightest of breezes
We fall just like leaves
As the rain washes us from the ground
We forget who we are
We can't see in the dark
And we quickly get lost in the crowd

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

I was reminded of this song on Thursday night and it has been on my mind. I don't know what's next. I don't have a plan. I do know God has a better place and he will be the hero that saves me and takes me to that better place one day.

Anywho, Friday night a friend in just casual conversation talks about how we as humans tend to forget that God uses us in not only the big ways but often in little bitty ways that we tend to forget about or that we may not even be aware of yet. - That is exactly what I needed to hear! See I was praying that God lead me to my big thing. That God show me where He needs me to work or serve to accomplish big things for Him. My friend reminded that The little things matter! The little things we do that we may not be aware that make a difference..they matter and are very important!

This world makes a big deal out of the big things..the big accomplishments...forgetting and not recognizing the little things that may be changing lives.. so naturally as humans we desire to be recognized for a big accomplishment(s) in our life. I had myself convinced that I need to do big things for God for Him to recognize it...to be working truly for Him that I needed to be doing big things. Serving in a Big way...So silly, I know, like God would love me less if I didn't do something big. I just know that I am capable of doing so much more than I am. I just don't feel God leading me to do anything different right now. But I've struggled with the thought of is God leading me and I am not accepting what he wants me to do bc I'm scared or does he have me where he needs me right now doing what he needs me to do.

Today in bible study as we discussed spiritual gifts we read
1 Corinthians 12:4-7
- There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.

Then Ephesians 1:11-12
- In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.

Then Ephesians 1:18 (Paul is praying)
- I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.

It was so funny because all these verses were touching home for me today...what has been on my mind about the ME part of my prayer this week I felt like God was telling me that I'm being used in small ways and that's ok. That's how He is working through me right now. He works out everything and I have been predestined to do works for Him even the little things that I may not see. Paul's prayer really did help enlighten the eyes of my heart to piece things together so that I may be reminded of God's grace.

Today after Beth Moore spoke of the many spiritual gifts, I was asking myself what is my true spiritual gift....I don't really know. I have never seen myself as gifted in one certain area. If someone was to ask me to write my one spiritual gift...i really don't think i could write anything.
Maybe others see it, but I just don't. I'm sure God is using qualities of my personality and heart for Him...I just can't name that one spiritual gift. Is that bad?

We often are trying to seek recognition and a pat on the back for our good works...
We've already received our gifts/our pat on the back...our gift was salvation through Jesus Christ..now we are just to serve in thanks to God for that. That's the least we can do.

But...after being reminded from scripture and my friend...God sees those little things. The little things that are working through me for Him to help people that I may never know that I helped. God sees it and that's all I needed to hear.

None of us are insignificant. Whether our gifts or actions big or small. God knows our true heart. We just have to keep our heart in the right place and don't let the evil one or this world convince us that we are anything less than significant in God's eyes.

Lord, you are so amazing how you present things to us right when we need to hear them. Thank you!


p.s.-....this blog is kind of all over the place at times and I apologize...I just reread it and decided that I'm just going to leave it and say....welcome to my mind :)

He out gives

Our God will always out give anything He takes.
- Beth Moore stated this in her 'The Inheritance' bible study.
For some reason this morning sitting in bible study, I really needed to hear this.

I've been thinking about my Granny Grace Gaines a lot lately. Just her name makes me cry.
She was such an AMAZING woman of God. Whenever I hear someone refer to God's grace, I immediately think of her...God's Grace. I know that is not what the preacher is talking about but it's always what comes to mind. Also whenever I hear the song Amazing Grace, I think of her....unending love, amazing Grace.

She really was amazing. Serving others was something she did her entire life until cancer hindered her from getting out of bed to do so. I remember her serving at church, at the nursing home, in so many organizations that I can't even remember them all. She was constantly serving the neighbors, and all her kids and grand kids even those that took advantage of her service and kindness. She did it anyway. She didn't want any recognition...she didn't want any money...she just did it bc that's who God made her to be. I looked up to her so much then and still now and love and miss her so very much!

I remember like it was yesterday when we were in the hospital and the doctor came out to tell us that the cancer had spread so much in her that there was no more they could do...it was a long hard battle for her and watching her die was so tough. Even though I knew she was going to die, it was still so hard to let go.

The day of her funeral I was holding back the tears as usual..trying to be strong. When a friend of mine started singing Amazing Grace as asked to do so by my uncle. I remember bursting into tears and sobbing uncontrollably before she got to the chorus. God's Amazing Grace..the sweet sound of her voice..who brought me to believe the love of God. I didn't want to say good bye to that. But I did what I had to do. I didn't go to church for a year after that and it was 3 years before I stepped foot in her church again. I can't remember why. I guess because I didn't want to be there without her. It wasnt that I was mad at God..I don't ever remember being mad. I know and knew she's in heaven with my Papa and Jesus right where she belongs. She lived a great life here on earth so I understood that God just called her home.

Someone told me the other day that I have many of the same qualities that Mrs. Grace Gaines did. I just smiled, shrugged off like I disagreed, and said thank you. It took everything in my power to not burst into tears. I am so far away from the amazing woman that she was. I can only pray that God blesses me with being half the woman she was.

so...back to that quote...Our God will always out give anything He takes.
He took a Godly woman out of my life 12 years ago....when at that time she was the only Godly influence in my life it seemed. Well even if it took 12 years for God to out give what He took from me even though He will never replace my granny...He has placed some Amazing Godly women in my life today...not just one...not just two...A LOT!
Just to name a few...Paige, Alicia, Rhonda, Betty, Deborah Grace, Danielle, Seana, Meagan East, Meagan Youngblood, Sancy.....I could keep listing because there are so many beautifully designed Godly women in my life that I admire and adore.
These women some young in their walk and some much more wise in faith are so awesome! God's light shines through them whether they know it or not. I see it daily. And the light that they hold has helped me walk through the darkest times...the light of God shone through a friend. Some of them don't even know how much they have helped me by just being themselves...by just being kind. Others, I've told a million times and are probably tired of me constantly reminding them. :)

In a previous blog I mentioned that sometimes I feel like the only support team I have is just God...well, I was totally wrong. It may not be the kind of support team that I want bc I'm not leading that team to control what it does or which direction it goes...God is! I know that it's the kind of support team that God wants me to have.

I am so thankful that God out gives...He has been so gracious to me!
I know I don't deserve all that He has given me but He has blessed me so very much.

Lord, thank you!!!

Kindness

Kindness is not a weakness, Sarah. Kindness is not a weakness.

It's funny that even weeks later after the Beth Moore simulcast that this is on my mind because I have to remind myself of this sometimes.

In a job interview once I actually listed being too kind as one of my weaknesses.

Why do I think this?
I guess because this world especially the business world displays kindness as a weakness most of the time. When something goes wrong, this world immediately wants to attach it..criticize it for it's action...condemn and punish. So if someone is kind to those people during that time some individuals see kindness as a weakness to not be able make right what was wrong. I just disagree with that approach to the problem. Often when something goes wrong or if someone or something seems like it is going bad or causing a stir, I often wonder what is going on in the heart of the problems source. As a person dealing with a lot of girls, I have found it true that often someone that is always in the middle of trouble or starting drama or leading most arguments are the ones that need loved the most. They are crying out. Often those actions are turning people away but really they are just needing love.

As Christians we (i'm talking to myself too) need to quit running away from the fire and the fight but instead run right into it and trust that God will equip us with what we need to do his work to love on others and to make it out of this challenge glorifying Him.

I'm not perfect by any means and sometimes even I am guilty of pushing people away and/or filling my life with more work and distractions during my hardest and toughest times just because my heart hurts too much to face reality. Sometimes we push people away when we really are just hoping that the people in our lives will pull us back..show us that we are needed and wanted and cared for. But when no one is pulling you back..when no one is showing you that you are needed, doesn't it break your heart...it does mine!
Personally it makes me feel as if I am not showing God's light enough that makes people need me or want me in their life and that is a painful truth. It also breaks my heart to learn that even though people voice their love and/or friendship with me publicly that when i reach out or need building up that they aren't even looking my direction to see that my cup is empty. God always fills it enough so I can make it through the days though.

God sends us to be support teams for each other. I often wonder, what if my team is just me and God...it sure does make life harder on earth but I can't complain about this kind of pain. God sent His only son to die for us! Jesus was beaten, tortured, spitted upon then nailed through each hand and feet and then he hung on those nails and bled and died for us...now that's pain...
why do we complain...i have no grounds for complaint bc mine does not compare to His.

He never said that this life would be easy. He just said He'd see us through it.

Beth Moore did say that kindness wears down when we do. I think this often happens to me. I can feel myself wearing down now and since I love building others up, encouraging, and helping whenever I can...i'm draining my cup...yet daily i still have enough to encourage someone else... And it's those times when no one is there to help me up that I cry out to God the most. He is the best support and encourager of all. I'm thankful He's on my team. :)

I often don't voice my hurts or troubles to people. I think mainly because I'm being too kind. I try to help and want everyone to be happy and have great days so I don't share my pain because I think why bother them with my troubles..that just makes the day gloomy. If I talk about my pain, it often brings tears (the joys of being a girl). As a youth my dad scolded me and scolded me that crying shows weakness and we should be strong. So I became this strong girl that kept my tears for my pillow after the lights go out at night for no one to know about. It really is a hard habit to break out of. I want to be more open with my emotions but it's a work in progress.

Kindness....do i believe that it's not a weakness...I'm working on it.

Pity Party

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry to if it happened to you.

As the tears continued to flow Friday evening, a friend reminded me of that song. It was so appropriate for my pity party. lol

Again I chose to listen when the devil whispered. Again I pleaded, WHY? Why am I alone? Why do none of my friends seem to care? Why...Why...Why?

-What a baby! What am I, 2 years old? So many questions and even when given the answer...even when I know the answer, I still ask why.

God reminded me...."Sarah, it's not about you. This world isn't here to help you fulfill your needs and wants. These people aren't here for You. It's about God. It's all here for Him because of Him. Sarah, you are here to serve Him and everything else is just to help you or strengthen you along the way." It was a nice smack in the face by God.

My friend told me that we are all allowed to have a pity party every once in a while...is it bad that mine has lasted a week.
I think it's over now. :)

He says serve!

God uses all kinds of things to speak to us. Like Mandisa's song God Speaking says - Who knows how He'll get ahold of us, get our attention to prove He is enough. He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to to tell us 'I Love You'. So as this song brought tears to my eyes this afternoon as I reflected on the morning service and music that the lyrics just dwelled in my heart and mind. He was pretty much telling me.."Hey, do you not see that I am speaking to you?"

Tonight I went to church for FAD and as many nights the music itself brings me to my knees as it speaks directly to my heart. After the music, we watched a video of a sermon that was preached the Sunday after 9/11..Run for Your Life. As humans we tend to run away from our problems..run away from everything we are afraid of...we should all be like many of the firemen and policemen during 9/11 that as everyone was running away they were running towards the chaos...running to help those in need.
This spoke so clearly... that we need to "Stop!" If we don't attempt to help the people that need it, then the building (or the devil) will come crashing down on them and kill them. Shouldn't we at least Try to help them.

God has really spoke to me today through songs..through the messages at Fellowship Bible Church both this morning and this evening...through that video...that it just clicked**God is speaking. He is telling me that I need to serve. I mean sure I serve some but not like He has called me to serve. I can think of a thousand excuses not to because heaven forbid my work schedule allow anything else to be added to my life but that is just not a good excuse to use to not serve.

I remember about a month ago one Sunday morning in service Bro. Ken spoke of going to Nicaragua on a mission trip and that they needed a few more people to come along not to teach but to just love on the kids and do arts and crafts and things. God started stirring in my heart then. He was telling me 'Hey Sarah, you can and should totally do that!". But knowing that it was mid-semester, I disregarded this rumbling in my heart and didn't think more about going on this trip. I didn't even ask about it.
Well... He is still rumbling in my heart. Maybe not to Nicaragua in October but He is calling me to as Galatians 5:13 says 'You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.'

So now that I finally get the message...what do I do now?

If you know me, I am not very outspoken...I'm not one to lead much conversation. It's not that I am unable or unwilling. It is just my nature to listen and take in, to comfort, and to love more than to speak. Yes, I need to be more outspoken because quietness does turn some people away. Anywho, my point is that clearly I am not called to minister the word to the nations...but it doesn't mean that I can't show them that God loves every one of us! The past few years He has really taught me how to love better and more willingly to love everyone that comes into my life. However, He is still helping and teaching me to love without expecting love in return (that's the hard part).
1 Peter 4:10-11 says "As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. Whoever speaks, let him speak, as it were, the utterances of God; whoever serves, let him do so as by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen."

I don't know what this means for me...or for my future. I don't know if He wants me to stay at CBC forever or if He will send me elsewhere. I am not going to say that I am definitely going on or not going on a mission trip. I chose to not take that opportunity when He stirred in my heart to go and who knows if He will give me that urge again. But there are people to serve everywhere in this world even just down the street, in this dorm, in this state, and even in our church. I do not know what He holds for my life but I know I will serve Him until the day I die and He takes me home.
Matthew 24:36 says - “However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows."

My response is that I can only try not to use my daily life as an excuse to not listen when God speaks and calls me. I must keep listening and be open to all possibilities to serve Him, for Him, and through Him.

The devil whispers

It's been a month...I am slacking on my blogging....I've had a few days here and there that I had a lot I wanted to share but never got the time to actually sit down to do it.

Work at CBC has really been life consuming this past month. Cramming to finish all the housing stuff in order to get ready for move in.. was stressful but we knew God would be there to make it all come together. Then the kick off of school and activities and clubs...lots of work.

God blessed me with an AMAZING staff of RAs though. They are wonderful people and great Godly women! Yes, many of them I knew pretty good going into RA training but I learned so much more about them that week...about their heart! It just amazes me these wonderful college students and their walk with God. I wasn't bad when I was in college but I was no where near where they are! They blessed me so much just in the first week...it's going to be a great year! God is definitely working through these students whether they know it or not. His light is shining through them so brightly.

After praying so much for this semester, the students, and our jobs...the first week of school 2 people were saved. It also reopened my eyes to the fact that everyone we encounter in our lives don't own a bible. The 2 girls that were saved didn't...many people on each floor doesn't personally own a bible. So I was for sure that as a group, our faculty and staff had bibles they could donate so I sent out an email. It's amazing the bibles that rolled in and that were purchased. With these we can start with our students and hopefully (if approved) we would like to take what is left out to the streets to people in need. One of our chapel speakers, Dustin Wisely, mentioned that we can only argue and/or tell about our beliefs with people to a certain extent but the best defense..the best tool to sharing God is to share His word..to share the Bible.

This past few weeks even though I am working for a Christian college and surrounded by God daily, I feel like I've dug myself in a rut it seems. Concentrating on work and activities and these kids...not on me...not on God! I mean I haven't just gone savage...I pray daily in many situations and for many people. I just haven't been living to seek Him and to always study and strive to become closer to Him...I feel like I've dug myself in a rut of comfort. I know He's there kinda thing....I know He's working...I see Him moving in these kids as they are growing here...a comfort rut as to why-change-a-good-thing attitude.

I have a bad habit of setting Me aside and helping and making sure everyone else around me is ok and help i like to help work on them. Then my own problems, worries, fears, thoughts just constantly start building up in my mind preventing me from getting good rest when I actually have down time. Then the devil starts whispering in my ear telling me that I'm not good enough..that my friends don't really care (I know they do. It's the silent times when I'm alone that the devil whispers these things in my ear)..that if i can't keep/get my friends to love me then why would a man want to love me...that no one cares that i enjoy doing things for people(if they don't respond with even acting grateful, is it worth it?)...that I shouldnt be at a job that I am totally not qualified to do.

So I know that I should do this more often than when I'm hurting but...I embedded myself in scripture. God spoke directly through His word (even some common scriptures jumped out) which is what has helped me work through what's dwelling in my heart.

Verses that stood out:
Phillipians 4:13(For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength)

...and Proverbs 3:5 (Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding)

...and Luke 6:35(...do good to them, and lend to them without expecting anything back...)

...and Isaiah 41:10(So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.)

...and of course Philippians 4:6-7(Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus!!)

...and we can't forget Romans 5:8(But God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.)

Now you know the troubles in my heart.
At least one week out of the month, I beat myself up more..I listen harder to that devil whispering in my ear..I cry because I feel unworthy.
It's going to be ok though...because deep down I know that God already won this fight for us. I'm not worthy but He sent His son anyways. I just need to try harder to seek Him and to study His word daily..not just for inspirational purposes.

As a sinner...as a person falling to the feet of Christ asking from forgiveness yet again...as a friend, I ask for prayers not just for me but for everyone around us that the devil seems to be whispering to. For those who may not turn to His word for uplifting reminders. For everyone to be reminded that God has got our back. :) That even though we are not worthy of His love...He loves us anyways!
Thanks, I love you!

To Save A Life

So tonight I watched this movie...Wow the message it holds.
Not only does it make me want to reach out to others more but it made me realize by reviewing my own life that transformation is possible whether you believe it when times are bad or not.

The good, the bad, and the ugly..it doesn't matter. God loves you....you just have to quit holding on to the things that are holding you back...that are holding you down. Sometimes we do need a little help with kick starting this...sometimes we just need a stranger to say hello and let us know that our life is worth living...sometimes we just need a friend to introduce us to God.

At the end of the movie this is the message that spoke many words to me and is really what I meant when I named my blog Journey....
Life is a journey not so much to a destination but a transformation. Transformation is tough and we dont always end up where we think we will. But we have to remember that even when we struggle to believe in Him..He always believes in us! He fills our life with purpose and passion if we just let Him. The best part of the journey is that the God of the universe sometimes allows us to play a part in changing the world.

I pray that one day I may help to save a life of someone that needs saving like the people in my life helped save me.

My challenge to myself and to anyone who reads this is to:
Reach out to others ....help save a life...help change the world...for God!
<3

He Grew the Tree

A song I have never heard until today that someone quoted on facebook. The part she quoted really caught my attention because for some reason I have never thought about this.
The quote was
“He grew the tree, That He knew would be, Used to make the old rugged cross.”
I mean Wow! Sure The LORD created the heavens and the earth...
He knows all and He sent Jesus knowing that he would be crucified on the cross..a sacrifice for our sins and lives. I just never thought about God making that seed and growing that tree specifically...that one...that was made into the cross.
It is a great old hymn...I will attach all of the words for you to enjoy.

HE MOLDED AND BUILT A SMALL LONELY HILL THAT HE KNEW WOULD BE CALLED CALVARY.
THEN HE MADE THE SEED THAT WOULD GROW TO BE THORNS THAT WOULD MAKE HIS SON BLEED.
THEN HE MADE A GREEN STEM GAVE IT LEAVES AND THEN GAVE IT SUNSHINE AND RAIN AND SHELTERED IT WITH MOSS.
HE GREW THE TREE HE KNEW WOULD BE USED TO MAKE THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.
  
WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES GOD LOOKED DOWN THROUGH TIME SAW HIM SPAT UPON REJECTED AND MOCKED.
STILL HE GREW THE TREE HE KNEW WOULD BE USED TO MAKE THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.
      
NOTHING TOOK HIS LIFE WITH LOVE HE GAVE IT.
HE WAS CRUCIFIED ON A TREE THAT HE CREATED.
WITH GREAT LOVE FOR MAN GOD GAVE WITH HIS PLAN.
HE GREW THE TREE SO THAT WE MIGHT GO FREE.
STILL HE GREW THE TREE HE KNEW WOULD BE USED TO MAKE THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.

All I know to say is Thank You! Words can not express the pain you went through for to save us. That is why when I have a bad day or are going through trials, I remind myself that You never said this life was easy You just said that You would see us through it all.

I just wanted to blog as I dwell on the thought that God created every single thing. Not just me and you and the heavens and the earth..but every single thing in the heavens and the earth. He created that guy that hurt you...He created the bat that that child was beat with...He created vacation and beaches....He created the job that you lost...He created the deer that made you wreck your car...He created the guitar...He created beautiful birds...He created mosquitoes...He created all things...good and bad...sometimes, I believe, God takes us through the bad times and through a roller coaster ride in this life to make sure that we hold onto Him. To make sure that even in the bad times that we seek help in His word and His people to know that He will see us through and there is for sure a light at the end of that tunnel...the ride will one day come to an end...where all things are good and there is no pain. Until then...hold on and keep your head up looking to the heavens!

Yahweh...thank you for giving me life, for breathing breathe into me each day in which I can make it through another day. Thank you for songs like these and little reminders that you are the Almighty Creator Redeemer! ~ Amen

a quote

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

One thing I hate about myself is that I keep my mouth shut too much. It hurts so much to know that I may not be living my life to the fullest because of this. Bc I'm being silent. I just hate to think that I may not be doing all that i can to live the life God wants for me because I refuse to open and share and speak up.

It also bothers me that every time I have a headache, i am reminded that i may be avoiding treatment of something serious and may end up having an anourism in my brain and could die tomorrow. I really don't think it is that extreme. But what if it was. I hate the thought of leaving this world when I could do so much more to serve God on this earth and haven't. I hate the thought of leaving this world with not ever having true love and that my closed mouth may be part of the cause of this. My silence is truly a burden in my eyes and this quote intensifies it.

Sure it's easy to fret on something that can't easily be changed. It is part of who I am and yes this is just a quote (someone's opinion) and yes it's that time of month so my emotions are higher and i'm more sensitive...just caused a lot of emotions this morning and had to get it off my chest.

My OMP Story

I could write on this subject forever!
OMP = Ozark Mission Project
This camp/mission project was a big part of my renewal in Christ 3 years ago!
Where do I begin...
Ok...well to know how I stumbled upon OMP, I guess I better give you the background story and then I'll come back to OMP.

Just a little over 3 1/2 years ago I had decided to turn my life around after I felt like I was scraping rock bottom. I made a few friends that were old enough to be my mother that were more like angels sent from above. They helped me sooo much just by being who they were which was strong Godly women. I craved their presence often because the light of God shined through them so much that I wanted to be around that.

I thought to myself...Man, I want what they have...so I started off by trying out their church. They didn't invite me. I just had heard them talk of it and thought well maybe that's where they got their light. So I started to attending Fellowship Bible Church. I was so amazed by the atmosphere. I grew up a Southern Baptist girl and women didn't pray or rarely speak in church...just sang pretty much. What I had in my mind church was, I just didn't realize wasn't all churches (maybe I was in my own little box). I thought church was when the pastor stood up there and got all worked up and yelled and called us all sinners and made us feel like we are all worthless (which we are and I'm not saying this is wrong). This kind of preaching just scared me and didn't give me much hope as a child. Even saved as an 8 year old girl, I'm pretty sure I did it because I was scared not to.

Fellowship has taught me and is still teaching me sooo much. I feel like every time I go it is a learning experience. Our pastor is very smart and has a few degrees and used to teach Hebrew and other religious classes at a college. It is almost like Sunday school for adults (for me anyways). I love it and have truly grown in the Word of God because of this church.

sssscccceeert....ok back on track...
Sorry I'm new to blogging...I could've wrote a whole blog on church and a whole blog on my renewal then a blog on OMP but what fun is that. lol

Anywho, Paige and Alicia (the women I was talking about earlier) were always talking, laughing, and telling stories about OMP. I always thought it sounded like a fun experience even though I didn't really know what it really was. They kept mentioning that I should go. So I decided that I wanted to go. Fellowship, however, didn't need me as a Driver/adult camper. It was suppose to be one driver per 4 youth and Fellowship only had 8 youth interested in going to OMP. BUT I hooked up with a nearby church that was going to the same camp as Fellowship and was a driver for them. So when you get there everyone is split up and split into family groups..there is a Driver/Adult camper then they get 4 random youth that if things work out no one in your family already knows each other. This becomes your family for the week which you do everything with. As a family you are also given a mission project for the day/days/week. So here I am 25 years old responsible for 4 teenagers. It was an experience for sure leading these youth through a mission project. They were great though! We had a blast! It's where God was showing me how to be a leader for Him which was a great experience for me.

This camp taught me a lot and really opened my eyes! I was just AMAZED to see sooo many teenagers filled with the Spirit and freely talk about God. I just don't remember seeing that EVER in my youth. My youth wasn't bad. I just wasn't surrounded by a lot of Godly people. My Granny Grace Gaines was pretty much the only true Godly person that was in my life as I was growing up. My friends even the ones that went to church didn't speak of it outside of church.
So I was just baffled by this. The nightly sharing sessions and then worship just brought tears to my eyes. At that camp 3 years ago I rededicated my life to Christ. I confessed to Him that as a sinner I have brought Him into and out of my life whenever I felt it to be convenient and depending on who I was hanging out with at the time. I asked Him to take it all away and just fill the hole that had been in my heart. It was awesome and the week only got better. :)

After leaving that camp, I was changed. I had decided that I was changing my life for Him. I wanted to live a life that was what He wanted me to do. I didn't want the only social part of my life to consist of sinning. I didn't want to dred going home from a job I hated to a house full of sin where I barely felt safe in the confinments of my own room with the door closed. I didn't want friends that only wanted to hang out with me if it consisted of some sort of sinning. I knew it was going to be hard to change all of these things but I was determined to do it.
So, I took a second job at CBC, bought a house and moved, pretty much removed all my friends from my life, and worked hard at becoming closer to Christ because after all of that it seemed like He was all that was left. It was hard! I kept learning and kept growing closer to Him though. I was exhausted working 2 jobs but I loved CBC and the parks job I hated it but it paid the bills. A lot of change took place in my life and I made a lot of new wonderful friends. Time flew by.

Last year after not knowing if I would be able to go to OMP or not, I thought that I would just sign up to be on the volunteer staff because I really wanted OMP to be a part of my life from now on and wanted to assure that I could go. When Nancy (the head OMP lady) called to see if I was still interested in working with OMP, I told her my situation was that I really wanted to work at the same camp that Fellowship was attending just so I could still share the experience with my wonderful friends and the youth of my church. She gladly agreed that it was a good idea and signed me up for Activities Director. That was conveniently appropriate since activities directing is really where I feel my passion has been work-wise. So I took a week of vacation and went. It was a lot of work! I felt like I was running around everywhere and not getting the same spiritual experience that I did the year before. BUT it was just different. I didn't just get to see how my little family experienced God throughout the day. I got to see it in many families. I didn't have my own bc I was on staff so I got to travel around and help out lots of families with their mission projects and got to hang out with all the kids. :) It was another good experience! I was also grateful that we had a hard working fun and intelligent staff as well. I really enjoyed working for them and the director of the camp (Bud) even asked me to join his crew the next summer. I agreed bc I knew I'd be working with another great staff if he was directing.

God continued to work in my life...changes in me and my life constantly took place. After camp in 2009, I was asked to be the new Resident Director for CBC's girls dorm. I mean sure my first instinct was wow that would be fun. I always loved working with residence life when I lived on campus in college. But seeing that I hadn't even been in my new house for an entire year yet, I declined. 3 weeks went by and they came to me again asking me to consider this position. They even told me to take a few weeks or a month and think about it. So I prayed..and prayed..and prayed. I really felt like God was telling me to take it. If I took it that would get me out of the job I hated, but would take me away from the house I just bought. I just couldnt deny how I felt God leading me to work at Central Baptist College. So I did it. God has used me and changed me and developed me and strenghtened me even more since I have taken the job. I am so pleased to be working for Him every day. :)

This summer at OMP...WOW! God, I tell you what...You never cease to amaze me!
Yes, I was on staff again as the Activities Director for the camp that Mr. Bud was directing and that my wonderful Fellowship buddies were attending. I guess I had learned how to juggle work and still get a good experience a little better than the previous year. First of all I knew it was going to be a great week after meeting the college staff and other volunteer staff. They were all so pleasant, easy going, and filled with Christ's love. I felt so at home with them. It took a few days for them to grow on me more and I to them I'm sure. I can't even explain how amazingly wonderful prayer warriors these people are. At night we would have bible studies and prayer circle and everyone prayed from the deepest part of their heart! They made me a better pray-er. Usually I tend to just say my silent prayer and signal the person next to me to go ahead and pray aloud. As something I knew I need to work on and confront and change, I prayed out loud with my fellow staffers every night and even though it wasn't strong like their prayers seemed to be; it came from my heart. There were tears, hugs, and smiles in those nightly meetings. I truly enjoyed it and miss it.
Not only was the staff great but the campers were as well. It was so fun to see God working in them. Even the adult campers! The every day challenges, conflicts, and things brought them together. They were opening up more the first day than I had seen at either of the other camps I had been to. God started to move in them. Tuesday, we had a few come to Christ and accept Him in their lives. Then, the next night we had many renewed in their faith....adults, campers, heck even me. :) GOD USED ME to renew a camper that night. I didn't know/think that I was ready to witness to anyone because I still feel like I am learning and changing in Him but it didn't matter what I thought. That's what he wanted me to do and it was like I knew that's what I had to do. So I did it. Right before that I really felt God moving in me through the music and after listening to my new friend who had given her testimony that night I was holding back tears. It was overwhelming..then God used me to help that camper overcome her struggles and become renewed in Christ. Afterwards I just needed a hug. So I went straight to Paige and just hugged her and didn't let go for a while. She has truly been a blessing in my life. She helped lead me back to Christ. She helped, listened, and counseled me through some of my hard times and helped me celebrate the good. That's why sometimes I tend to run to her when something happens. She's a very good friend and has truly been an angel sent from God!
Anywho, the week only got better and I watched God move in one of the young adult campers as well that I knew He was changing and renewing like He renewed me a few years ago. I regret not telling her that.
By the end of the week, I had made some amazing new friends and was overflowing with joy of the change God had brought to us. He had truly showed up and showed off for sure!
I was sad to go to face the world and I questioned myself why I only did just one of these wonderful camps each summer. I can't wait for next year! Until then I am trying to keep my momentum of change in my life and encouraging it in others.

I am thankful God has transformed me from the Inside Out!
Maybe you're next....
;)

1st blog

This blog I intend to share my journey through this life. I want to share some memories that I remember and the life that God has blessed me with.
I have so so sooo many blessings in my life. It wouldn't be right if I didn't share these with someone. Maybe what I share about the blessing in my life will help you see the blessings in yours.
God Bless! See you soon when I feel more inspired to write. :)